Is This A Good Prologue? (Really Short)..10 Points!?

Prologue

“911 emergency, how may I help you?” the cold female voice spoke. On the other end of the line came a deep panting, like a dog after a long jog. “Excuse me, what’s your emergency?” the girl said into the phone again.

“There’s…” the panting woman on the other end began. “There’s someone in my house….”

“Ma’am, ma’am…I’m going to need you to calm down and tell me where exactly you are.”

“Their coming!” she whispered loudly. “Their outside watching me…please...”

“Ma’am, where are you?” the woman suddenly jumped in fright as she heard a loud piercing scream on the other line. “Ma’am are you alright? Ma’am!” She suddenly heard someone running, and then a door shut. She could faintly make out the sound of someone running, dead leaves crunching under their sneakers.

“Their coming!” she screamed. Suddenly there came a loud thud, as the phone fell to the ground. On the other end of the line, the call woman could barely here the woman scream. “They’ve got axes….Oh my….No! Stop! No, nooooooo!!!...OHMYGOD!”

“Ma’am! Are you OK? Oh my god.” the call woman muttered as a low masculine voice replied:

“We’re all fine here…..Daddy’s Home.” Then a click and the other line disconnected.

8 Answers

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  • Willow
    Lv 4
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I am saying this as best as i can.... It is fairly poorly written. Its a great start, but you need some major editing for instance: “Their outside watching me…please...” You used the wrong word here. Its They're not their.

    You completely lost me in the middle. You need another way to refer to each women. Like, the operator, or make one a man. I could honestly not tell who was who.

    The phrase "Someone running" was over-used.

    At the beginning you used the word panting twice. change it to something like "On the other end of the line came rough gasps, as if the person had just run a marathon and was struggling to find their breath again,"

    At the end "The call woman," sounds quite bad and you should probably change it. Aside from that it's actually really good. Just give it a bit of editing and you'll be fine.

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  • L
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    I also like it, although there are some grammar errors:

    You used the wrong "there"--you say "their coming" when it should be "they're" because it's short for "they are." Don't worry, a lot of people make this mistake. Just remember if you're ever confused "their" is used in a belonging like "That's their cat" and they're is short for "they are."

    You also type up the dialogue wrong.

    A sentence should end with a comma instead of a period like this:

    "Hi," said Bob.

    Instead of:

    "Hi." said Bob.

    In writing you should never use !!! Or ???

    That's only for comic books.

    Well, that's about it. The rest is fine and intriguing.

    Happy writing!

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  • 9 years ago

    It's effective as a prologue only inasmuch as it relates to how Chapter One begins. There has to be some reason why this isn't part of Ch.1 - it's nicely written, lots of action, good dialogue (except for 'their coming' which should be 'they're coming') but I'm curious as to why it isn't the beginning of your book, rather than a prologue

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  • I personally think this is such a great prolouge.

    I honestly want to learn more to find out what the heck was going on.

    I liked how you used most dialouge, because you can't really explain what is happening without giving everything away.

    Good Job!

    Happy Writing!

    - WritingLikeAlways:)

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  • 9 years ago

    It's pretty good, it really makes me want to read on and find out what happens next! -smiles-

    I only noticed on thing, you repeat a phrase; "someone running". In the second sentence, I'd say "fleeing footsteps" instead.

    I hope this helps, and keep up the suspenseful writing! :D

    Answer mine?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index;_ylt=ArPUTjHweB...

    Source(s): I'm a writer and a Creative-Writing Tutor
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  • 9 years ago

    oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.

    i NEEED to read your book! I'm in total seriousness here, that was fantastic and so professional. It pulls the reader in and it did a great job at that! oh boy now i kinda wanna read your book >.< =P

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  • 9 years ago

    lol,I like it very much!

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  • YES!!!! I LOVE IT!

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