What do you think of this?

I was bored during health class again and wrote a bit..what do you think?

"He walked with purpose down the darkening street. His black trench coat trailed behind him flapping viciously in the wind. Sweat dripped from his face, his thick black hair became plastered to his pale narrow face. Something was trailing behind him, watching, waiting, with an intent to kill. In the distance a deep snarling echoed off the apartment complexes towering overhead, it was getting closer. He pulled the silver brief case to his chest hugging it. He broke out into a run, he ran under a blinking street lamp. As he quickly passed by it illuminated his pale green eyes. Fear. Fear was all that was shone. The brief case needed to get to the Magistrate. He turned down an alley, he ran all the way down until he realized there was no where else left to run. He clutched the brief case tighter and started to whisper words inaudible to anyone in Greek. A hiss sounded at the mouth of the alley. All he could see was the pale whiteness of the creatures eyes.

"A Skief," he gasped and trembled. The Skief advanced forward, its long forked orange tongued flicked out as it stalked toward the man and growled..."

That's all I have so far. Well what do ya'll think?

3 Answers

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  • Favorite Answer

    It's got good potential :)

    1. "His black trench coat trailed behind him flapping viciously in the wind."

    You needed a comma in this sentence, between him and flapping.

    "His black trench coat trailed behind him, flapping viciously in the wind."

    2. "Sweat dripped from his face, this thick black hair became plastered to his pale narrow face."

    This sentence obstructs the flow of the paragraph in some ways. I suggest changing it so it's more like this...

    "Beads of sweat dotted his face, plastering his thick black hair to his pale, narrow face."

    And I think you could work on description a little bit. Saying things like, "onyx" instead of black, or "alabaster" instead of pale.

    3. "Something was trailing behind him, watching, waiting, with an intent to kill."

    Call this nit-picky, but I don't like when people use the same words (or a variation of the same word) twice between as many sentences. I think you need to change the word "trailing" to something else. What about this?

    "Something was lingering in his wake, watching eagerly, its mind clouded with an intent to kill."

    4. "In the distance a deep snarling echoed off the apartment complexes towering ahead, it was getting closer."

    You've misued commas and semi-colons in this sentence. It should have looked like this:

    "In the distance, a deep snarling echoed off the apartment complexes towering ahead; it was getting closer."

    Although, I think it could be made slightly better if you rearranged the words a little bit.

    "A deep snarling slice through the night, echoing off the towering apartment complexes in the distance. It was getting closer."

    5. "He pulled the silver brief case to his chest hugging it."

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there's a space between briefcase. You also needed a comma.

    "He pulled the silver briefcase to his chest, hugging it."

    6. "He broke out into a run, he ran under a blinking street lamp."

    I don't like this sentence at all.

    What about:

    "He broke out into a run, the blinking street lamps the only witnesses to his panic."

    7. "As he quickly passed by it illuminated his pale green eyes."

    Eh.... It could be better.

    "The orange glow illuminated his pale green eyes, rich with fear."

    8. Again, "brief case" needs to be "briefcase".

    9. "He turned down an alley, he ran all the way down until he realized there was no where else left to run."

    Again, this needs more description.

    "In his desperation, he veered off course into the malicious gloom of a nearby alleyway. Garbage tins and dumpsters lined each wall, and as he neared the end, he realised in horror that it was fenced off."

    10. "He clutched the brief case tigher and started to whisper words inaudible to anyone in Greek."

    This kind of implies that anyone "in Greek" wouldn't be able to hear him.

    "He clutched the briefcase tighter to his chest, and began to whisper faint words in Greek, inaudible to human ears."

    The rest is *okay*. You could work on description a little bit, as well as grammar and sentence structure. But you're onto something interesting there, so good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think that it sounds like an amazing prologue to something, but it needs some editing... and that's what you have me for! Well, not really, but if you want me to ask :D

  • 1 decade ago

    shone - shown.

    It's okay. Very descriptive but it wasn't amazing.

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