Why do the courts give in to deadbeat dads.?

My child’s father was kicked out of my house again after he went on another party/cheating phase and after supporting him, and his other children during their every other weekend visits, for over three years. When he was unemployed he didn't even watch our child when I worked....my grandmother came from an hour away to help watch her. For the first few months after I kicked him out he didn't take our daughter at all but now that he has a new girlfriend he's fighting me on everything. This happens every time he gets a new one which he stays with when he has the kids and then when they break up he goes back his old ways.

He called the police to my house when I let him take her for extra time. He doesn't pay child support consistently and is 1000's behind. He lies to the court about where he stays with our daughter when he does take her. I have full legal and physical custody of her and do all the supporting (i.e. medical, schooling, and day to day expenses) He does not even own his own car or have his own living arrangements. After the police incident which was mortifying because I live in a very conservative and religious neighborhood and the police officer felt there was no need to be there he recommended I get an actual detailed visitation order added to our court paper. My ex had also been doing things like not taking her on his time and then wanting time with her when I had something planned on my time and also showing up late to drop off’s and pick up’s.

We were sent to Mediation where we sat for 5 hours arguing because we would work things out and then he would refuse them. I was told we had to sign something for me to take the next steps with friend of the court. (i now know that was not the case) so I signed the paperwork because I was so emotional drained and wanted to take the next steps. The "agreement" was nothing of the sort so I was penalized severely which was even pointed out when we went to the referee by the referee. When I appealed it I froze in court again, and again he was given more time. Several times he has not even taken her on the extra time he asked for. Now I don't know what to do, every time I appeal the decision he gets awarded more time and yet he doesn't use it or pay child support. He is telling my child to keep secrets from me and I have no idea where she is when he has her. I don't trust the courts anymore and don't know what my rights are a this point. I spent years supporting him while working 2-3 jobs, taking care of my home and making sure our daughter was well feed, insured and homework was done, had everything she needed and had a parent that spent quality time cuddling with her and helping her learn. She has always been very close to me and he hates me for that. Can anyone tell me how to fight this and why the courts keep awarding him more time when he's a deadbeat that only wants to fight and save face in front of the current girlfriend. He is getting more visitation than in his other custody case and yet they keep giving him more. I love my child with all my heart and it tears me apart to have to send her with daddy more and more when she cries and screams every time I do it. I feel like she thinks I don't want her home because i keep sending her more. She complains that she wants to stay with mommy because daddy doesn't pay any attention to her. Are the courts doing what’s right? The only thing I can think of is I'm freezing up and not saying enough at the hearings. He can be very charming when he wants to be and talks a good talk when needed. I’m more apt to freeze up and get frustrated.

I don’t want to refuse him visitation and I have never refused him any even when he doesn’t help with anything or pay his support. I have even given him extra time on several occasions if its for something important or if he asks. My daughter's schedule is non existent right now with what the court has ordered. She's 4 and needs some regularity.

Why am I getting penalized every time we go into court. All I wanted was a detailed order to protect us from his irresponsibility. Does anyone have any advice as to what to do next. I’m at my wits end. from his irresponsibility.


Ok lets get something straight. As I said this man can be very charming and for the first year of our 6 year relationship he kept a good front on. I fully accept that I feel for it. It wasn't until we were already married and with child when this all happened. If someone can't leave a productive answer why answer at all. I didn't ask how this happened....or for the opportunity to psychoanalyze the fact that I did not see through this man. I asked what advice someone might have about the current situation now that I am struggling with the courts. I have already come to terms with being a poor judge of character back then, that is irrelevant. I stayed in the situation because I have a child to protect and set an example for to counteract his behavior. If you feel the need to be viscous and vindictive against some personal issue you have take it out on someone else. I was only hoping to get advice from someone that may have dealt with this before. If its not constructive don't answer.

Update 2:

Ok men, in our court order it stated a visitation order that has always been in place. Unfortunately for me it was not detailed enough and he has decided to play games with it. Forgive me if you feel I'm an idiot but I have been through many divorces so apparently I'm uneducated enough to think that when we weren't arguing the courts would set a reasonable schedule that would work in both parties favor. As to the constructive answer, thank you very much. I have contacted a lawyer and will be meeting him in a few hours actually. I feel like it will help with me freezing up in court and fighting my case by having someone else speak for me. If anyone has experience with this first hand or with someone close to you, I would appreciate hearing what you went through.

3 Answers

  • mejaki
    Lv 7
    9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Now, I know you don't actually NEED a lawyer in family court, and I know it costs a bit of money, but I think going back to court with an attorney may be in your best interest. You say here that you think part of the issue may be that you "freeze up" when in court, and that could indeed be the case. Check around locally for an attorney who may help you pro bono, or one who will work out a payment plan you can afford; in the long run, it will be better for you to incur this expense and get the matter settled, than to continue to suffer.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Some of the irresponsibility was on your side as well, for failing to get this ironed out at the time of the divorce. Thats the way visitation is normally done.

  • 9 years ago

    Well, your first paragraph says it all. He was a loser when you met him. Then you made a child with him, anyway. How did you really think this would work out? If you want a better result, have children with a better man. Like one you don't have to support (along with his kids).

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