How can I improve this story?
I am not alive. But I am not dead. I do not know what I am. I am not human, nor animal. People may call be a creature of destruction or terror. They are right. I am not peaceful. I kill to live, I live to kill. If I do not kill, I go mad. In a week, I kill at least ten people throughout the world. Why do I kill? My murderous instincts have no rhyme or reason.
Right now, I am stalking my next victim. Her name is Susan Parks. She has three children, and is a math teacher. But this doesn’t matter. I wait outside the school for Susan. It is dismissal for the children. They don’t see me. I do not harm the children, they are too innocent, their souls too happy. They run past to their buses, and I wait. The buses finally pull away, and I prepare myself. I know that Susan stays until dark on these fall nights, her husband caring for the children.
The sun starts to set. I wait. Other teachers leave the building. I ignore them; I have interest only in Susan. At last, the sun is hidden. Night has come. I watch, and finally, Susan leaves. I smile and run to her car to hide. Susan parks in the lower lots, away from the street lights. She comes closer. As she unlocks her car, I attack.
I use no weapons. I do not use my hands, I use my mind. I watch as Susan drops to her knees, then rolls onto her back. She suffers and writhes on the ground. Her papers are now splattered in her own blood. The windows of her car break and the glass shards pierce her skin. She is not yet dead, oh no, I drag out the death. I show no mercy.
The silence of her pain is deafening. Her eyes roll back in her head, and her mouth is open in a silent scream. Susan blinked and her eyes returned to normal but still had pain. She looked around for her attacker, and saw none. I laughed, and her heart finally burst. She died with fear frozen on her face. Susan was fun to kill, usually they die on impact. I like when they suffer.
But now, I must go to her family. I do not kill one person. If they have a family, I kill them too. I go to Susan’s home. I step inside, carefully, quietly. The husband and children are asleep upstairs, I can feel them. I go upstairs and watch them sleep. I decide to leave the children be. But I destroy the husband. He dies on impact, unlike his stronger wife. His body becomes nothing more than limbs. I arrange them in a pile, and go for the children. I do not harm them. I lift them gently and place them around their father’s body. They are still asleep. They will wake to find their dead father.
I leave, and return to retrieve Susan. She has not yet been found. I take her to a nearby river and place her carelessly on the bank. Then I flee into the night- a silent killer, untraced.
I am calling it Silent Killer. And I am not crazy, it's just for English. I am not disturbed, I don't usually write this stuff. It's the first scary story I have ever written.
The sentence structure is supposed to be choppy, it's how the killer thinks and speaks.
Um... I realize it is a repost... but I changed it a bit... I'm not trying to be annoying, I just want help. Sorry. If you think it's annoying then just ignore it. I just need constructive criticisim. Not to be hammered at how annoying it is.
- BrendaLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
Well, for an inhuman...thing that's going to be killing people/families, you might want to consider how you used Susan Parks' name. Calling her by her first name over and over makes the death more personal and humane and lessens the impact of the horrible thing happening to her. To increase the evil creepiness of your character, you might want to take out as many uses of her name as possible and use either her last name or have another word (victim, prey, lunch, etc.) that your character uses. Describing her body as the murder occurs (in a gritty, critical way) will also enhance the inhumanity of the character.
Why or how Susan Parks was chosen isn't communicated. It might not matter, except that you mention early in the piece how innocent children aren't interesting. And speaking of children...there's an inconsistancy in saying that the character kills whole families, and then *doesn't* kill the children. Leaving the children to find their dead father is an unspeakably wicked thing to do, but you might want to communicate their intended destruction. Finding Dad dead will destroy their innocence and (presumably) open them up as potential future victims, and anticipation can be an emotion for your character to express. Moving the kids, however, is odd. Why do that, if the character isn't going to watch the double confusion of waking up *not* in bed and finding Dad dead? Especially since Mom is going to be found later. The kids'll be destroyed, so they won't react much when they hear the news.
Writing horror so that readers want to keep turning the page isn't an easy thing. Or healthy, in some cases. I don't think that's an issue for you. I would call this horror, not scary, because I associate that more with "thrillers." Where a significant point of the story is to tighten the reader's nerves and anticipation over what *might* happen, rather than disturb them over what *did* happen. This is more of a vignette than a short story, because there's no conflict. Yes, really. (basic forms of conflict: man v. man, man v. nature, man v. God, man v. himself, man v. society) The character doesn't have to overcome anything to destroy Susan Parks' family. He/It just has to act out in a comfortable, normal (for him/it) pattern. There's no conflict to resolve. With a character like this, creating one would be hard for a writer. You might not need to. If you give the character a conflict, then there must be an antagonist. Or a protagonist, if the character loses the conflict. Or is he/it still the good guy? You give the reader things to think about the way this is, so again a conflict might not be necessary, as the lack of an official plot structure might be a good move on your part.
- Anonymous5 years ago
First of all, recollect to respire. I recognize that sounds foolish, however I'll guess you do not do it so much! Make severe eye touch, one after the other, across the room and to exclusive humans at exclusive instances, to hold them engaged. It additionally engages the leisure of the celebration. Remember the fundamentals of any well tale, whether or not in a newspaper, ebook, or in individual. one million. Who two. Why three. Where four. What five. When 6. How Be lively and excited approximately the tale and recover from one of the vital worry by means of working towards it first. Then, whether or not in entrance of one million or one million,000, you, for your brain, are telling this tale on your fine pal and nobody else. Don't be afraid to rise up or use gestures to explain what you noticed. Make faces, if it really works within the tale. People will like it. And remember to respire!
- 1 decade ago
Um that is awful... I honestly think that is too dark for a simple english story.. The visual imagery is awful, I mean, kids waking up around their dad fathers body? Not my cup of tea at all... Though if you want constructive critiscm, I'd say stick with the killer, though make out its a spirit or something? Dont say it uses its mind, say it uses its body, and descrive its gnarled, clawed hands, the hump in its back, the close set midnight black eyes... :)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I swear...I've seen this like 5 times now...
EDIT: oh sorry, I didn't see the edits, well I read it over and it seems amusing.
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- ☭Pαtcɦ Cipriαηo☭Lv 61 decade ago
thanks for BA http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aht4f...