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Anything wrong with this essay?

it's for a scholarship...tell me if you see any grammatical errors..also tell me what you think of it! :)

I would like to take this opportunity to share with the selection committee the reason why I deserve this prestigious scholarship. I have dedicated every fiber of my being to improving myself academically, mentally, and physically over the past several years solely to achieve perfection. I work hard not as a means to an end, but because it’s who I am. I have earned the Park Scholarship through leadership, scholarship, hard work, and dedication to education.

High school was a tough transition for me, and my grades during my first year at Apex High School reflect that struggle. However, my grades also reflect how I’ve benefited myself through hard work and dedication to academics. During my freshman year, I spent every day of every week of every month in pursuit of the elusive “A”. As a result, my sophomore year was a breeze. I made straight A’s the entire year. Even after the massive undertaking of five Advanced Placement courses during my junior year, this trend remained constant. My first AP experience last year was rough. As a result, I earned relatively low grades (A’s and B’s). But as the year progressed, I worked harder and dedicated myself to attaining perfect grades under the strain of college-level courses. By the end of junior year, I finally earned straight A’s. Thanks to junior year, I’m still earning straight A’s in my senior year AP courses.

I’ve shown this process of improvement in almost every challenge I’ve engaged in. When I first created Science Club and Math Club, I had no clue what I was doing. My leadership, hard work, and dedication are what allowed me to finally understand science and math and eventually become the president of STEM (Science Technology Engineering and Math) Club. When I first started volunteering, I was limited to only a few hours a year in a couple locations. After years of dedication to my community, I now volunteer hundreds of hours a year in countless service jobs across the state.

I’m looking forward to my next challenge: college. I see it as another way to further improve myself. The transition to college is likely to be rough (like my freshman and junior years). However, I take solace in knowing that my hard work and dedication has always come through for me in the past. In every task I have undertaken thus far (Science Club, Math Club, STEM Club, Apex High School, etc…) I have struggled, improved, and succeeded. Each one of these undertakings has taught me one universal truth: the sky is the limit as long as I work hard and dedicate myself to the task at hand. I have struggled and improved myself in the weeks leading up to this scholarship opportunity. In order to succeed, I must ultimately earn it. I hope these words in conjunction with my previous essays and academic merit have compelled you to consider me for the Park Scholarship and allow me to succeed.

1 Answer

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your confidence is good, but I personally think you sound quite melodramatic at some points in your essay. The whole "every fiber of my being" is incredibly over the top, and sounds more like sucking up than a realistic statement. The same goes for "every day of every week of every month": there are much better ways to illustrate your dedication than that. Saying "the sky is the limit" is incredibly cliche and very amateur, and it undermines the overall quality of your writing. At the beginning, your choice of "scholarship" as one of your quality just sounds awkward, especially when you talk about THE scholarship earlier in the same sentence. Also, you probably don't want to call your sophmore year a "breeze", since it implies taking things easy and not applying yourself: if you had no trouble with your classes, then why wouldn't you be finding some other way to demonstrate the virtues you mentioned?

    When you talk about how you became president of STEM, you probably shouldn't use the acronym as it just takes up space, and the parantheses you use to explain it make it seem ungainly. Just write out the full name of the club (with commas?).

    While your dedication is commendable, you also use the word 5 times in just 4 paragraphs, so you should probably find some synonyms. The same goes for improvement, since I count four variations of the word. Even worse, you you some form of the word "work" 7 times throughout the essay, 2 uses in every paragraph but one. On the whole, your diction could use improvement (due to the aforementioned examples), though you don't want to go so far you lose your "voice". The closing sentence ("and allow me to succeed") is awkward, implying you will fail if they don't choose you, which is definitely NOT an idea you want to convey.

    Whew. Sorry this was such a doozy, but it sounds like you deserve the scholarship. I wish you the best of luck, and hope this helps :)

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