B&A: School Days - Excerpt - Critique please?
I feel a bit bad, I've not actually been talking about books or authors recently, so forgive me on that one, I'll be back on myself :) So, this is asking for some constructive criticism. I have a short introduction to the story, before I let you read them, my thoughts behind it:
It takes on a deliberate route of being cliche - it's a stereotypical high school (although no artificial characters in the sense of them being without depth), and so I made it follow that way.
If you think it's too much, or it isn't your cup of tea, feel free to say so, and I'll write a more casual, realistic piece. I'll try not to ask too often for criticism just yet, as I'm only writing the first draft, but since it's a group project, you're input is important :) Also, before I continue, I need to know which route you find is best - reasons why will help support your opinion
I'll set up a little page on my site and update regularly so you can check it out and comment or just read - I'll post up a link on my profile, so please be on the lookout. All comments are appreciated
Note: \\word// means the word is in italics
Oh and once Jen is free to write the prophecy as a poem, I'll insert that bit in where it's most suited
The tree stood in the corner of the school woods, and under the canopy of leaves was a white cross marked on the shadowed grounds. \\The// white cross.
She buried herself further into her winter coat, her dark hair was now hiding under her hood, but her anxious eyes took a look around the field, hoping she wasn't being followed. When her feet stood over the mark, she rubbed her hands together, amusing herself with the foggy white breath that escaped her mouth as she waited patiently for The Oracle.
He emerged from what seemed like nothing but darkness, his hands already shuffling the tarot cards, mumbling a few incoherent words of tradition. A black cloak hid his pale skinned body, but his wand was poking out from beneath. The girl noticed it, but managed not to comment.
"Thanks for coming," she said.
He dismissed her greeting. "What is your question?"
"What does the year bring for us in BA High?"
He stopped shuffling with a hard smack, after which he drew the very top card and flipped it over. His eyes grazed over the picture, and a slight smug smile tugged at the corner of his small lips.
"The Wheel of Fortune," he said, and upon a blank face of confusion as a reply, he elaborated. “This signifies change, and to some extent, revolution. It can bring either good or bad luck, there is no telling just yet, but things aren’t going to be the same out here.”
"Why, those who have been oppressed, of course.”
A series of short images flashed through her mind; she knew who he was talking about.
The school bell rang, though it was barely audible to where they stood. The girl’s head turned to the building, and by the time she looked back, The Oracle had gone.
She sighed and made her way to her class after break.
I've made the girl have no name just yet, for the purpose of mystery - personally, I've made that person myself - for some role in the story - and shortly after, I'll introduce the other characters one by one. I must say however, just a thought - this story is ...well, what genre to place it as? But basically, it's the people that have been put down that step up into the story - what about minor plots - a little comedy? A little sob-story? A little romance? - Which one(s) out of these do you think you'll like, if any?
Oh, and just a little poll. I was just wondering...well, of course as you know, my username is Just Like That, but I always sign off and am addressed as JLT (which I love), but do you think Jay is better? For the story?
Thank you all so much - as for what I'd like - great detailed critique isn't really necessary just yet - just things that work, and things that don't, and things I can improve on as a whole, and things that I've got the hang of (if any!)
Thanks for the stars guys, but I would really, really love more answers (a little more stars won't hurt! But yeah, I'm mainly looking for some feedback)
Thanks for your answer, Piccalily Potter - very helpful, and I agree completely
Thanks for your answer too, Little Blue Lamb, glad you like!