HELP! what do you think so far?
This Time Around, It is forever
Grayson County, Virginia
“Ms. Underwood?” The school nurse Melinda Carver said as she caught the 9th grade Art teacher Skye Lynn Underwood walking the halls. “Yes?” Skye said when she heard her name.
“You’ve got a new student,” She said.
“Thanks Melinda, Uh Ms. Carver” Skye smiled as she headed towards the front office of the high school.
“Here she is” Assistant Princeple Carrie Smith said when Skye entered the front office.
“Ms. Underwood this is Kelly Turner and her father Aidan Turner,” Assistant Princeple Carrie Smith Said.
“Aidan?” She whispered
“Skye?” He whispered
Spring of, 1986
“You Didn‘t go home?” Aidan Lee Turner asked, as he walked over to his truck, and saw his girlfriend of 3 months waiting for him. “I’ll always wait for you,” Skye Lynn Underwood replied, as she hopped down from his truck, and into his waiting arms, as she asked, “What did the coach say?”
“If I don’t bring my grades back up, I’ll be kicked off the team, and I’ll lose my one way ticket out of this town,” sighed Seventeen-year-old Aidan, as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, as they walked down to the football field. “I’ll help you study” smiled Skye, as she laid her on his shoulder. “Aidan?” Skye asked after a few minutes of silence. “You want some food?” He asked
“Yeah, I’m starving,” she said, as she laughs
“Well we can’t have that now can we? Aidan said, as he smiles
“Oh look there’s Jennifer Weatherwood” Sixteen-year-old Melinda Carver replied, as she and her boyfriend Scott Brown sat in the back of Aidan’s truck along with Skye, as they waited for Aidan to return with their order of food. “How does Aidan get so lucky?” Scott replied, as they saw Jennifer slipped Aidan, a piece of paper, I mean the guy has girls falling all over him. “Scott” snapped Melinda.
“Oh I’m sorry Skye,” Scott quickly said
“It’s ok Scott,” Skye said, as she jump off the back of Aidan’s truck
“Hey, Skye” Aidan yelled, as he quickly ran after her and said one order, of fries and milkshake at your service. “Hey now” Aidan said as he gentle touched her chin, and stared deep within her green eyes and, whispered you have nothing to worry about, I only have eyes for you as he gave her a smile.
Skye quickly stuck inside, and closed the door behind her, as her mother turned on the lights. “Where have you been?” I was at the drive inn with Melinda and Scott Skye replied as her father came down the stairs. “Doing only God knows what,” sighed her mother Cindy Underwood. “Mama we were just talking” Skye said. “This has got to stop,” her father James Underwood said “you are only fifteen-years-old” If you keep behaving this way, your father and I will have no other choice but to send, you away to boarding school her mother said.
“You can’t do that,” Skye cried
“We can, and we will,” her father said
“Go to bed, we’ve got church in the morning” her mother said
Having inherited her mother’s light red hair, and her’s father presicing green eyes Skye Underwood was sure to catch the attention of every person in town, but as they walked inside of the church early the next morning, she had eyes only for one person. “Aidan Turner” she smiled as she quietly searched the row of pews for his family, and finally found him sitting at the very end of the pew holding his baby brother Jason.
“Come along now dear service is about to start” her mother said as they took their seats in the front row of the pew. Wearing her flowered color dress, standing at a height of only 5 foot tall Cindy Underwood was a very well mannered woman, and as she removed her white hat and gloves, she vowed that her daughter was going to well behaved
The Underwood’s sure had money, thanks to the hard work that Mr. James Underwood did for his family. Standing at 6 foot and 2 inches tall, with his dark colored hair neat, in place he smoothed down his gray suit as he thought, about much money he was going to be making the next morning while at work. He owned and ran the local coal mining busniss in town while his wife of Twenty-Five-years was a housewive.
Its not done yet
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
It's better than last time. At least I can tell who's who now. Keep going and you'll get better and better. However, I'm still going to be honest and say that it's not good.
First off, is the story set in the present, when Skye's an Art Teacher, or in the past, when she's a fifteen year old girl? If it's in the present, then is the past really so important that you have to write it like that?
Maybe instead of going into a flashback after the meeting in the present, you can start with the flashback. Then afterward you can show Skye as an art teacher, staring at Aidan with his daughter right next to him. Just an idea. Just make sure that this flashback is super important, and not just to show how "oh so in love" they were. I'm guessing the flashback ends in heartbreak, which I suppose is a good enough reason.
One thing you MUST note. You don't have to introduce a character with their full name. If it's a main character, go ahead, but since "Assistant Principal Carrie Smith" only appears in one scene, just call her Mrs Smith, the assistant principal. And once we know someones name, we don't usually need a reminder as to who they are. There should only be one person named Skye, and Melinda, and Aidan, so giving their last names are pointless.
If you do introduce someone by their full name, then make sure there is a reason for it. In reality, the Assistant Principal of the school wouldn't care who the father of the student is. Her introduction should go more like this:
"Ms. Underwood, this is Miss Kelly Turner, and her father." And then let Skye's reaction introduce Aiden. And don't introduce Aiden Lee Turner..because there isn't much point in it.
Skye is a teacher, so she will be commonly referred to by her last name. Aiden is a jock, so I don't see any point in giving his last name; not to mention he is Kelly's father. So common sense says that his last name might just be Turner.
So, pretty much. CALM DOWN ON THE LAST NAMES!
Next issue. Dialogue. A whole quarter or so of the dialogue in here isn't in quotations. EVERY PIECE OF DIALOGUE BELONGS IN QUOTATION MARKS! Not just some dialogue...ALL of it.
Next: One person should be doing the talking per paragraph. TWO PEOPLE SHOULD NOT SPEAK IN ONE PARAGRAPH.
Okay, besides that this is a fairly small mistake. You don't have to use "he said, she said" kind of words so much. Most of the time the way the dialogue is placed in the paragraphs will let the reader know who is doing to talking. Most of the time, but not always. So with parts like:
“Aidan?” She whispered
“Skye?” He whispered
The "She/He whisper" part should go. Who's talking is obvious.
Okay. That's all I got. I hope that made sense. And I hope I didn't crush your writing spirit any. I'm trying to help you get better. You have to make mistakes to do that. Keep writing.
- cheshirecatLv 61 decade ago
Discover grammar, it is your friend.
You need more commas in some sentences, they're too much to read otherwise.
Don't say "as". Think of new words to use sometimes.
There are some random words in there that are capitalised for no reason.
Numbers, like in "3 months", should be spelt out.
I didn't really get what happened with that girl, Jennifer Weatherwood, and whether it was her or Melinda sat in the truck.
Don't have more than one person talking in one paragraph.
What's with the ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~s, is the text chucks from a story, or is that how the story is supposed to flow? If so you might want to fill the story out a bit and give it some depth
You don't need to give someone's full name/title whenever they talk
Some commas in in strange places and disrupt the flow of reading and are confusing
Spell check your work
I don't know how eyes can be "presicing", although I guess you could mean "piercing"
Ms. makes me think of old women. I'm assuming they're not that old (under forty), Miss is more commonly used for women that age
I hope that helped, if I were you I'd keep adjusting it until you get it right, and there's no limit to how many times you post things on here is there? =)