I'm not sure... I think people are uncomfortable with adoption in general so they overcompensate either by being so for it that they become patronizing or they will be so disturbed by it that they simply become cruel.
I can't explain why people act like that, but I have definitely felt both ends. I think at the beginning I felt so alone when I made my decision. Both of my parents questioned me... my ex who thought getting me pregnant would make me stay with him would guilt trip me.. his parents threatened to cut him off financially (they pay for everything school, living expenses, apartment) and he basically said he'd support me, but not marry me... I felt SO alone because everyone was telling me what I thought was right for my precious child and a decision that had taken so much pain to make was a terrible idea and that I was being heartless.
I will never forget overhearing my mom ask my aunt "Do you think she's just cold hearted?". She was trying to be quiet, but I heard it. My mom is basically my only parent because my dad and I have never been close because of his abuse and controlling nature. I literally ran to the back yard and started to sob.
I will never forget having to sit there and have my father yell at me at me and say that I was a selfish, heartless b*tch that was throwing her baby away. Or the way he would make comments every single day about how my life is ruined and I'm never going to be able to make it.
I will never forget having to deal with my ex who constantly would question my decision even though he was involved and I let him be involved. He was very immature and wouldn't even tell his parents for months because he was scared.
I will never forget sobbing and wondering if I could ever be loved again with my stretch marks and bodily changes and now on top of all my other issues, I had a little girl who I couldn't even keep or raise.
I will never forget what a horribly sad way she will come into the world. It's all wrong... this is really not how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be one of the most joyous and happy moments of my life and yet while that's true, it's also leads to only a couple of days of pretending to be a "real mother" and then it will become probably the hardest time in my entire life. I will NEVER regret her, but I feel so awful that this is the way she will come into the world. It's not how it's supposed to be.
I will never forget how strangers all assumed I was keeping her and talked about how nice it would be to have a baby and would give me parenting advice not knowing that it broke my heart that I would never be able to do those things for her...
But when I found out... and my heart sank because I knew that everything had changed.. I never once... not once thought about aborting her or doing anything other than bringing her into life. Maybe it's still not a perfect situation... but I never ever could think of anything more than seeing her face and knowing that even if she couldn't be with me, she could be in a stable, loving home and that her life is so much more precious than mine and any pain or discomfort would be tiny in comparison to her being alive and being able to have a childhood that wasn't as painful or scary or oppressive as mine.
So I think that even though people might say I'm selfish and stupid, I know that there will be a little girl out there who will be beautiful and worth all of it. I'm not sure how it will work out, because she's still not here (but will be soon.. by Monday) but I always wanted her to not feel as though she needed me... I want her to feel as though she has a real family and as much as it is hard... even in an open adoption, I think I would rather be like a distant relative or a close family friend. I know that I can't be her mother and I don't want to confuse her or take away that gift.. so in that sense I can understand why people would say that she shouldn't find me. Because I don't want her to have that feeling.. but I know that many adopted kids have that feeling and that curiosity and I would NEVER ever deny her a relationship with me if she wanted it. Every adoptee wants something different and I think every involved... birth mother and AP, should do everything they can for the child, and not what they want themselves. The whole point is for the child...