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What do you think of my opening?

Please read my opening, and tell me what you think :D its about half a page long, it will only take you a minute!! x

I’ve always been petrified of the dark; a spine tingling, blood pounding, heart freezing phobia that’s so deeply wired into my instincts it’s as natural as breathing. I can’t remember when I started fearing the dark, or why, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not talking about scenery dappled in moonlight, or street lamps illuminating empty high streets. I’m only paralysed with terror by the pitch black, strikes you blind darkness, the lurking shadows just beyond your comprehension.

I know it’s stupid to be afraid of something that doesn’t exist- I know full well that darkness is just an absence of light. Unfortunately, however, I cannot control my fears.

The darkness swirls around me; I blink and blink, trying to get my eyes to adjust, but only vague shapes are available to me. Twigs tear at my dark shoulder blade length hair, and scratch at my face, but I remain crouching in the darkness, swathed in the blackness.

The only sound in the silent park is Charlotte’s deep, frightened breathing. She’s one of the few people who knows my fear of the dark, as she’s been my best friend in the world since we were just toddlers in nursery.

“I think we should go back, Diana,” her whispers like a gunshot in the silence. I glance over to the grave yard adjoined to the park, and shiver.

“Char, I can’t!” I whisper back, wincing with how silence magnifies your voice... “I can’t go back home!”

4 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Overall, I like your writing style. However, you didn't set the stage for me as to where you were until nearly the end of the opening. I think the order of the paragraph needs to be revamped to give the reader a clearer picture. For instance:

    The darkness swirls around me as I crouch amongst the trees of the park. I blink and blink, trying to get my eyes to adjust, but only vague shapes are available to me. I’ve always been petrified of the dark; a spine tingling, blood pounding, heart freezing phobia that’s so deeply wired into my instincts it’s as natural as breathing. I can’t remember when I started fearing the dark, or why, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not talking about scenery dappled in moonlight, or street lamps illuminating empty high streets. I’m only paralysed with terror by the pitch black, strikes you blind darkness, the lurking shadows just beyond your comprehension. I know full well that darkness is just an absence of light. Unfortunately, however, I cannot control my fears.

    The only sound in the silent park is Charlotte’s deep, frightened breathing. She’s one of the few people who knows my fear of the dark, as she’s been my best friend in the world since we were just toddlers in nursery. “I think we should go back, Diana,” her whisper like a gunshot in the silence.

    I glance over to the grave yard adjoined to the park, and shiver. “Char, I can’t!” I whisper back, wincing with how silence magnifies your voice... “I can’t go back home!”

    This, to me, sets the stage of where you are, your fear, and moves to Charlotte suggesting you go back. I didn't rewrite, so much as re-arrange. That being said, the information on your fear is a little much. If I were you, I'd try to edit that down a little. Also, as the first poster said, you can't say that you're afraid of something that doesn't exist since darkness does exist. Finally, a nitpicky thing, "the only sound in the silent park" --- if the park is silent, there is no sound; if there is sound then the park isn't silent....

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  • 10 years ago

    The first sentence is just too much.

    " I know it’s stupid to be afraid of something that doesn’t exist" but darkness does exist???

    "...darkness is just an absence of light" we all know that too. So no need to tell the reader.

    You've mentioned that she has a fear of the darkness about five times.

    good luck

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  • 10 years ago

    For goodness sakes! She's describing her deepest fear! Don't make her tell the reader how long and what colour her hair is! It's distracting and ridiculous and sullies an otherwise very intriguing opening.

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  • 10 years ago

    It sounds amazing and I really want to read on.

    I dont see any mistakes but I never do haha. Its great!

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