I got an A* for this, but, is it really as good as the mark scheme thinks?

This is my opening for my GCSE original writing. I got full marks, yet I've always wondered if that truly means its any good. Please tell me your opinions :D

Do you ever wake up suddenly to the strange falling sensation just after you have fallen asleep? Apparently, it is common in humans, and over seventy percent of people experience it throughout their lifetime. However, I do not think you would of ever of heard of someone being stuck in between a dream and reality. Literally. As I am telling you now of this strange phenomena, all I can see is total darkness. And all I can hear are my own repetitive, whiny words echoing distantly through my mundane mind.

God has induced me into my own personal purgatory.

To say the least, it differs not from my life in the real world. Everything stays one colour; my life is inactive, colourless and overall insignificant to anyone or anything around me.

You would think there would be something to distract me from my abysmal life. However, I’ve never been much of a thinker, my physical form is, well, terrible, and I have as much logic as a dung beetle. There is clearly been no path for me drawn. I will sit on the same post forever. Period.

However, a close friend of mine did reluctantly offer me a job in one of his offices. I had to accept, money was tight- but minimum wage and forty-two hours a week? Hahahahaha- no thank you.

So for the past eleven years I’ve been stuck, sat in my cubicle, surrounded by other low-lives answering pointless questions about ‘why hasn’t my Solicitor been in touch?’ and then, almost automatically, I reply in an angelic sort of way, ‘I apologise for the inconvenience, Mrs Smith; we shall make sure he rings in you in the next few hours. Please await their call.’ I then quietly put the phone down, place my head directly over the desk and beat it against the cheap plywood. ‘Is this what my life has come to?’ playing repeatedly through my mind like an old, trapped record.

Update:

Lamb S.. no I really didnt. I'm not trying to impress you because I don't even know you. If I wanted to brag I'd go ask all my family and friends. But I won't, because I don't do that :) I was just wondering whether the mark scheme really coincided with an outside audience...

7 Answers

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  • Doug
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Right, this isn't a bad excerpt but to me it is evidence that exams are getting easier. I mean no offence, but when I took my English GCSE 13 years ago I wrote a piece that was of roughly the same quality as this and I got a C for it. Personally I would say this is borderline B/C; there's simply too many things that, while not really errors, are inaccurate. For example:

    The first sentence is a bit jumbled; it could flow better with some rearranging

    "you would of ever of heard of someone" is wrong. It should be "would have ever heard of someone". This is a common mistake and stems from the way speech tends to meld words together. However it is not an acceptable mistake to make on A* work.

    "Everything stays one colour" is contradicted by the next line stating everything is colourless.

    There are also some technically-not-perfect uses of commas.

    All in all, I appreciate your imagination and this is not a bad piece, but I really don't think it's worthy of an A*.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's pretty good, but there does seem to be a little to much emphasis on adjectives. Overly descriptive, if you will. BUT, you cannot judge a piece of writing like this unless you have more to go on; you would have to know where the story is going. There's not enough to really know whether this is a serious story or a comedy, so in light of that, I would just have to say that it has potential.

  • 1 decade ago

    I actually checked Google for what GCSE meant. I mean, you might be old already for all I know, so this good writing would more or less not be counted as fresh talent but as writing from experience or something like that XDD. But gee you are young, so more points for that :)

    I like it, it's pretty good, although I did find this one (I believe it is a typo though):

    "...I do not think you would of ever of heard of someone..."

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    You need to chill you have almost a month to do all you're studying you will finish it just be strict on yourself and study like mad. My exam is in a week and I was extremely stressed until I realised that's not gonna help SO I put my head on and studied and remember to take quick breaks but unlike me do not spend them on yahoo answers answering people's questions Good luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think that your writing is very good and you did deserve your grade but I don't know what it's about yet but i would like to know because clearly you had it fixed in your mind and this opener is building up to something great. Well done on your success, you deserve it. :) Any one answer my question please????

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201009...

  • 1 decade ago

    Dude, did you ask this question to boast?

    How pretentious of you.

  • 1 decade ago

    Its good but REALLY depressing...

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