e asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 10 years ago

would you read my story?

I walked home on a gloomy December day. My ugly maroon and mustard colored uniform swaying with the wind. I looked around, I had that weird feeling you get get when someone is following you. I laughed nervously, it was probably just my bestie Melonie's ka-razy talk about ghosts getting to me. I walked faster, because it looked like it was going to snow. The wind started to pick up and my scarf that was around my neck whipped away with the wind. I shivered, because I was suddenly freezing. I wrapped my arms around my chest and looked around nervously, something just didn't feel right. I ran my fingers through my thick curly chestnut hair.

"Hey", a cold finger poked me in the back, "Is this your scarf?" I turned around to to see a pretty asian girl with long black hair and dark brown eyes holding my channel cream scarf.

"Yeah, thanks." I said with out enthusiasm, ripped the scarf from her dainty hands, and spun on my heels and continued walking home. I wanted to get to my house before what looked like a big snowstorm came in. But the asian girl didn't get the hint. She just walked faster to catch up with me.

"Hi, my names Mai-Leigh, whats yours?"

I rolled my aqua colored eyes. "Uh my names Tiffany, is there anything else ya wanna know?" I asked sarcastically.

But Mai-Leigh took that as an invitation to ask as many questions as she could. "So how old are you?" she asked

"Uh I'm 15."

"So do you live around here?"

"Um your kinda making me uncomfortable, can you like go away?"

She just ignored me "So is your hair naturally that shade of brown?

I snorted, "UH my hair is nawt brown! Its chestnut and I'm naturally that color, and my hair is naturally curly. Omg, is there anymore questions? You are seriously freaking me out!" I got ready to run in case she tried to grab me or something.

Just as I got ready to sprint, she gripped my shoulder with surprising strength and turned me around. Mai-Leigh caught my eye and her black/brown eyes turned a fiery red and I couldn't take my eyes away from them

I suddenly felt like I was falling down a dark hole. Spiraling down and down, only seeing her eyes. They hypnotized me: I would do anything they said. They whispered to me to take them to my house. I stumbled along the rode, eager to please them. When I got to my red brick mansion, i fumbled with my keys, but the eyes were so kind they took them and opened the door for me. They told me to go and lay in my parent's bed. I half ran, half fell up the stairs and collapsed in my parent's bed. Then I lay in there, and drifted off to sleep.

I woke feeling a sharp tingling on the side of my neck. It felt so good. My lips parted and I moaned in pleasure. My head was spinning and I felt like I felt like I took 1 too many sleeping pills. The tingling stopped and I fell back on my pillow exhausted, and fell asleep immediately

that was just an expert from my new book im writing, its just a rough draft, so would you read this book?


@at olive gawd your mean

Update 2:

@lily white, you dont get it, ka-razy and 1 too many are how she thinks, its in first person, so the reader is inside her mind, and thats really rude to say my writing is terrible i asked you if you would read it, not what you think of my spelling

5 Answers

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    If that is how things will be spelled when its published then no I would not read it, one or two quirky words is OK but to have a bunch of them just makes you seem like a little kid writing a book.

    Besides the spelling though there are a few things I picked up on:

    1. There is way too much descriptive stuff (gloomy December day. My ugly maroon and mustard colored uniform swaying with the wind.....my channel cream scarf....I rolled my aqua colored eyes)

    Just shorten it too much description make reading difficult.

    2. Don't be so obvious and blunt. You don't have to say she had a feeling like she was being watched. Just say she had an uncomfortable feeling on her back like how she feels when people stare at her, not those exact words but something of that nature. And don;t say she was Hypnotized by her eyes, just say... and suddenly she couldn't move, couldn't think she only knew that she would do what ever these eyes wanted her to do.

    3. It jumps around a little. Like first she was freaked out by this girl then she was annoyed then freaked out again... and the when she went home it seems like there should have been more to that part.

    At this point no I would not read the book but with some changes I might.

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  • 10 years ago

    It's very childish. Aqua colored eyes? OMG? ya? There are a lot of punctuation and grammar mistakes in this small portion of writing. You sound around 13 years old. Oh and vampires? Really? They are such a cliche? I wouldn't read it. It has too many mistakes and you rush through it. So to answer your question:


    Also, you're being immature. Take criticism like an author. Which means get thicker skin or quit while you're ahead!

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  • 10 years ago

    People are sometimes driven off by merely the use of a single word. Like "ka-razy". I lost interest the second I saw it, and other words I saw scrolling down like "nawt" and "1 too many". Fix those mistakes, or else no one will like it.

    @e -- You asked this question. Olive answered. You don't like it, get off the site. That's how Y!A works. You aren't going to hear many compliments with your writing.

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  • 10 years ago

    Now, now, the other answers are just telling their opinion, and they are right; They're just offering you some advices to improve your story.Otherwise, you got to know how to keep your readers to keep reading. Here are my opinions: It wouldn't hurt to make sure your spellings are correct, otherwise, the incorrect spellings will turn readers off away from your story and it's fine to use 'ka-razy' since your character's telling from a point of view, but that's it.

    I would read it, but again, check your spellings, and go over it to make sure you're satisfied.

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  • 10 years ago

    There's many grammar issues. You know there's a spell check?

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