Critique on a small piece of writing? :)?

Shiloh touched her palm to the moleskine sketchbook on her lap and frowned, pursing her lips. The teen's freckled hand pushes away the mass of red hair on her head, and she rubbed her temples. Would they like her? Would they stare? Would she forever be known as...that girl? The questions swirled around her head like vaporized breath in winter. She rested her chin on her palm, deciding it wasn't important anyway. She was who she was, just like her mom always reminded her.

Glaring out the car window, she sighed, and snapped her now stale flavored gum. Shiloh had done that a lot in the past four hour drive, unconciously of course, but her little sister was starting to get very annoyed by the sound.

"Shi-loh!" She whined, her big brown eyes forming into slits as she glared. Shiloh whipped her head around and stared at the child. She snapped her gum again, and Shiloh's red haired look alike cringed.

"What Marie?!"

"You are snapping your gum! It's annoying!" Marie sqealed, covering her ears. Rolling her eyes, Shiloh threw her gum out the window, and turned around to face the sketchbook in her hands. She really didn't know why she had it on her lap. She hadn't opened it in three whole years; Not to look at her past drawings, or draw new ones. She wasn't feeling up to it since her father left. But, the way her mother smiled when she picked it up, made her feel almost guilty. It had been a long time. Shiloh knew that. Only, her wounds hadn't healed yet. Despite those facts, she brought it for her mother's sake.

Shiloh's mother, Grace, watched as her duaghter practically glared at her half empty (or half full, as both her children thought about it) drawing book. She knew that Shiloh had to get over what happened before ever going back to her old self, but, when would that be?

Please and Thanks,

Kitten <3

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hello :)

    I think you have some talent! I like how you're already showing us your main characters' quirks, with Shiloh's unconscious gum snapping and Marie's very funny and typical little sister attitude ("Shi-loh!"). That made me smile. At the same time, you have me wondering exactly what happened with the girls' dad and why Shiloh is worried about being known as "that girl." I would read on, if you provided more. It's interesting so far. I'm wondering about your POV choice, though. Is this piece of writing going to focus mainly on Shiloh and her journey, rather than on her sister and her mom? If so, I might suggest making a few simple changes and writing in the 3rd person limited viewpoint, rather than 3rd person omniscient. I think it would be effective if we only knew Shiloh's thoughts and feelings. You have done enough in this passage to take out the thoughts and feelings of the other two just by telling us their actions. For example, when Marie whines at her sister and glares at her, we know she is irritated without you having to tell us that Marie was "starting to get very annoyed." You know what I mean? POV is a little confusing to me at times so I'll leave it at that for you to decide. The only other critique I have is that you changed tense in the second sentence. Otherwise, I like this. I want to know what the story is going to turn into! Good luck with your writing.

    If you would like, I would so much appreciate it if you could critique my plot:

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201008...

  • 1 decade ago

    Okay - let's take a look at the first paragraph.You are jumping back and forth between the present tense and the past tense. Why are you doing this?

    You are doing too much 'glaring' - when you overuse a word, it loses its impact.

    I'm a little confused about what's going on here. It seems Shiloh has been somehow traumatized and there are wounds involved - but surely they would have healed in three years? Or are we talking about psychic wounds?

    Sorry, you need to do little clarification on a couple of points.

    I like the name Shiloh.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It was too much and not enough. That's confusing, so I'll explain it.

    You gave away all of the plot points in only a few short paragraphs. This makes me feel like I know exactly what's going to happen, even if that isn't the case. It's kind of like meeting a new person, and five minutes after telling them your name, they have already told you their life story.

    When I say "not enough" I mean that you don't have enough description about the setting, or the the points that you've already brought up. For example, "She was who she was, just like her mom always reminded her" doesn't give me a visual of how her mom says this to her, or how she feels about, or if her mom's forehead crinkles while she says it as though she's worried... catch my drift?

    Hope I helped! Good luck writing.

  • 1 decade ago

    Quite good. Now if you write a book, I might read it. go for it!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    incredible! you should continue who knows it sound good enough to be published. just correct those little grammar errors and your incredibly unbeatable!

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