Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 9 years ago

Serious question Serious advice only?

Okay so I debated on even asking this question due to the amount of drama going on here but here goes. I went into foster care at 15 after reporting the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from my father. My mother while I won't call her slow I will say that she was taught everything she knew by my father. He met her at 18 he was 17 years older and took advantage of her weaknesses. She chose him over me. For 12 years I have moved on had children and now suddenly she started face-booking me. I have spoke with her and have to admit it is nice. Last month on a visit to my home town I met with her, she brought my father who is now 65 and sat at a different booth away from me. While I have forgiven my mother and my father I still hate him, I still can't wait for the day he passes and my mom doesn't suffer through what she has for so many years anymore. I have many questions for my mother but know if I ask she will recluse back to how it has been for the last 12 years. Rationally I know I do not need her in my life, but after not having a family for so long part of me wants to ignore it all and just move on. Does anyone have any advise to how I can make this transition easier with or with out my mother?

Update:

No chance of her meeting without him he won't allow her. Second please no one give me crap about the bible and forgiving, try saying that after being raped for 10 years! I have forgiven as much as I will while he's still alive! As for my mom she has already been forgivin

Update 2:

I did press charges. he got one year!

10 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Thanks for being so candid, it can be hard (even on the internet). I would say that you probably should not get your hopes up too high. Unfortunately your expectations have to be low since you know that your mother will never leave your father or be completely free of him. I am glad you have come to accept your mother's situation. I am not saying what she did is not wrong, I am saying that it is GOOD that you have come to understand her side of the situation. Furthermore, I am glad you were able to meet with your mother but I think you would have enjoyed it more if your father had not been in another booth. Do you think your mother would be willing to meet with you without your father present. If not, you might want to stick with emailing for now. It would probably be best to take it very slow. I think you are right when you talked about not bringing up the past since it would make her retreat. Right now, you should probably just talk about your kids and stuff like that. Even if your father passed away tomorrow, that does not guarentee that your mother will want to talk all about what happened in your childhood. I am sure she feels at least a little bit of guilt, although your father did the abusing. So in summary, don't get your hopes up, take it slow, and in the end, if you believe that you are better off without your parents, do not feel guilty about it. It is your choice and you have every right to do what is best for you.

    ETA: Wow! I am amazed that you pressed charges! Good for you! It is very rare for a 15 year-old to have the huge amount of courage it takes to press charges against someone that victimized you for so long! You are a strong person.

  • 9 years ago

    Where the hell was your Mom when you needed her to protect you?!?! I respect the fact you have forgiven her - you are a stronger person than I am, I'd never forgive my parent in that sort of situation!

    My personal opinion aside, try calling her, or emails. Find some way of communication where your 'Dad' can't hover over her. Take it one day at a time. But also, protect yourself from disappointment, and know in the back of your mind you may lose her again. But ya know what? You were fine for 12 years without her, you'll be fine for 12 more if need be :-)

  • 9 years ago

    You need to put yourself first and your family. It is a shame that you can't have contact with your mother without your father being about. Your situation is exactly why a child should always be put first. I feel sad for your mother and for you that you couldn't have the relationship that you in particular deserved. Your father may be your father but he hasn't behaved like one. I love my dad simply because he was such a good dad and any decent father will protect his child.

  • Done
    Lv 5
    9 years ago

    You have a lot of questions for your mother but feel she won't answer due to the hold that your father has on her. Okay, well I know it would be difficult but maybe put those questions on the back burner. And just build a relationship with your mother as things are now/ You made it sound like you have been a part for awhile. See her when you can/ I know it must be very hard to see the man who hurt you/ But it sounds like you did it without having to interact with him/ Perhaps, he will grow tired of accompany your mother. I think your mother will like not being put in the middle even if she is wrong to take his side over yours. Battered woman syndrome can be very hard to overcome/ I don't know if he hurt her like he did you but it sounds like she had that sort of fear issue going on/ Take it slow and see how handle that, and then revisit weather or not to cut her out of your life in 3 to 6 months. Good luck

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  • 9 years ago

    Take it one step at a time.....and go with your heart. I dont blame you for not wanting your father around, I wouldnt forgive him either and I definately wouldnt allow him anywhere near my kids. Ask the questions you want answered, if your mum refuses to answer then there is nothing lost, she is still putting hers and your fathers needs before your own and you will know where you stand. Your mum, no matter what her mental status, made choices that suited her and you were the one who had to suffer for them, stand strong in the way you feel, it is now your turn to be able to make the choices that you need to make for yourself.

    @Conneticut's finest: Oh ffs!! When you have walked even a few feet in this girls shoes then you have the right to prate on about the bible and forgiveness........no one should feel obliged to forgive the unforgivable!!

  • 9 years ago

    I'm so very sorry. :-(

    I just can't believe she brought him. Honey, she doesn't 'get it'. She really doesn't, or she never would have brought him along.

    You don't have to earn your time with her by putting up with the presence of that monster. You deserve, and are owed, much more than that. If she is going to stay with him, I just don't know how you could possibly make that work. It is a horrible and bitter pill to swallow when your abusers are enabled and placated by the same person who really should have been protecting you.

    Again, I'm so sorry. Surround yourself with good, kind people with integrity. You need to create your own family now, and she may not be able to be a part of it.

    Be well.

    Source(s): Foster/Adoptive Mom of 2
  • Linny
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    There's always drama when people start attacking. The attackers will go away and it will be calm again.

    It must be really difficult to be in this position. You have to do what is right for YOU and your children, though.

    Is there any way you can just tell her that while you are happy that the two of you are communicating again that you will not tolerate your father being near you?

    She obviously has issues if she is still with the man who abused her children. You did not deserve it then, nor should you be uncomfortable because he is around you now. If your mother cannot understand that, then maybe it is best to limit your contact to just facebook.

    Im sorry you are in this position. Its not right that he showed up.

    Source(s): being adopted
  • Sunny
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I say you dump her.

    The only way I would meet with her at all is if she would do it without HIM. If she won't, she is a weak enabler who doesn't really care about you in an authentic way, and is a toxic presence in you life. Hell, I wish you could press charges against him.

    He's evil, and she threw you under the bus for him, and she will do it again eventually. I am so very sorry.

    xx

  • 9 years ago

    There is an old saying that says: you can't help others without also helping yourself. If you could help your mom gain her independence, I think it could turn out well for both of you.

    Source(s): adult adoptee
  • 9 years ago

    I think you should forgive your father because in the bible it says to forgive and give both of them a second chance because every one deserves a second chance

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