Sisters and brothers here on Yahoo Answers, can you please give me some helpful advice?

Okay, so I can hardly believe that I'm even thinking this way, but the truth is... I am... and I need some advice from my spiritual family here on Yahoo Answers (I have also sought the advice of certain ones in my home congregation) as I want to come to a well rounded spiritual decision.

Okay, soooo I can clearly remember a time (not too long ago really) when all I THOUGHT about was landing a awesome spiritual man (a dedicated and baptized brother) and lo and behold, I have found out that there is this brother (goes to a different congregation than I do) who wants to get to "know me better" and wants me to accompany him with a group of the friends at an amusement park for a day of fun and relaxation.

Anyway, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the brother is absolutely gorgeous, is well liked and spoken of (he's a Ministerial Servant) and seems to be a really cool brother.

The problem is, in my heart, my goals have changed DRAMATICALLY from the time BEFORE I was dedicated and baptized and started to seriously study God's Word intensely.

I feel as though I have stepped into literally a NEW world that I never knew existed within the one that I came out of (I know my spiritual family can understand exactly what I mean). I am beyond amazed by all that I am learning and discovering. My heart is filled and flowing over with happiness that I never thought possible.

At this time I don't want to pursue looking for a potential marriage partner (which is the purpose of dating), I want to get to know God, His awesome organization and His Word better. It's as if there is an sexual "off switch" that I never knew existed within me that God has triggered and don't feel the crippling sexual urges that I use to get.

Don't get me wrong, I do think that it would be awesome to have a man to call my own, rock his world (and him rock mine), I just think that I want to take things slow in that regard and explore the "spiritual paradise" that I have been granted to find and enter.

How do I express these thoughts to a wonderfully sincere brother who has interest in me, without hurting his feelings and or causing him to feel that I am "rejecting" him?

Sincere answers only please... don't be rude.


22 Answers

  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Don't jump into a relationship so soon after 'gaining life'! Develop yourself, and explore ALL of you options in service to Jehovah. Perhaps there is something you will REALLY want to do, that being married would not make easy, or even allow. You can never count on someone else remaining true to Jehovah. In fact, you can never be entirely sure of yourself. As a married J.W., if the one you are linked to decides to take a false step, and continue taking more, the situation is heartbreaking. FIRST, make sure that YOUR relationship with Jehovah is STRONG and growing stronger day by day.

    “Keep on, then, seeking *first* the kingdom and his righteousness,

    and all these other things will be added to You."---Matthew 6:33

    Right now, you are still pretty new in the Truth, and the initial feelings (which are often over-exuberance) can cloud one's ability to reason soundly & realistically. I suggest waiting, as you seem to want to do anyway. If this brother is as spiritual as you seem to think, your wanting to wait before deciding whether you want to date ANYone should be a plus with him! A truly mature person wants another truly mature person for their mate & prospective children's parent! Anyone who rushes into things --to me-- is quite apparently lacking the qualities of true maturity. Intelligence does NOT indicate maturity. Ongoing wise actions & decisions made by the person themself, mainly to please Jehovah God, is quite indicative of maturity.

    We have as a suggestion a goal of a two year engagement period, but this is AFTER having gotten to know each other beforehand, enough to think we'd make a good team. The best way to get to know a person is in groups, watching them from afar, how they interact with others in various situations. Also, attending the same meetings, and listening to one another's comments before, during, & after them. When dating, people often behave less like themselves than at other times, sometimes unwittingly trying to impress the other person. What you both should want to see, is how each other is, without the temptation to do that.

    Without dating, you could let each other know when there is going to be a gathering of friends from one of your congregations that the other would be welcome to attend. Watch how he is toward older people, as well as children, and even animals (when the opportunity arises).

    Did you ever see the following set of articles?

    I think it would help you to read it, especially the last one:

    "What Has Happened to Love?" :

    - The desire to be loved

    - Why True Love Is Hard to Find

    > How You Can Find True Love

    You might also want to look up 'singleness' on the 'w' CD, and review those articles & experiences.

    When you speak to the brother, just make it clear that AT *THIS* TIME you are not accepting invitations to date, because you simply are not ready to consider getting married, right now. Wanting to focus your concentration on Spiritual matters is likely to endear you to him, whether as just a friend, or a future prospective mate. (If it doesn't, I doubt that you would want to get to know him better, anyway.)

    "... The Christian apostle Paul wrote that those who marry will have 'tribulation in their flesh'—or as The New English Bible renders it, 'pain and grief in this bodily life.'—1 Corinthians 7:28. ... Paul ... was simply urging those considering marriage to be realists. The euphoric feeling of being attracted to someone is not an accurate gauge of what married life will be like in the months and years following the wedding day. Each marriage has its own unique challenges and problems. The question is not whether they will arise but how to face them when they do."

    What Is Needed for a Successful Marriage?"

    Do not consider dating, until you are SURE that you would LIKE to be 'saddled' with those kinds of problems, INSTEAD OF the comparative 'freedom' of singleness...

    "...The shrewd one considers his steps." --Proverbs 14:15

    "Be wise, my [daughter], and make my heart rejoice..." --Proverbs 27:11

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 10 years ago

    Mindy you have had a life altering experience with your recent change of your whole world, it's a little overwhelming and can get a whole lot of confusion going on. Remember that for those new in the truth are under attack from Satan in ways we can't understand.

    Your emotional makeup has not changed it's just been altered.

    Your answers here are so spiritual with an over whelming proof of scriptures I sometimes pass on answering because of your answers, which is a good thing and though I have never met you I feel proud for you and your family weather physical or spiritual.

    There would be nothing wrong with going with the group on this outing, it will help keep your views balanced, serving Jehovah does not mean stop living, we serve no matter what station of life we are in.

    We should be careful we don't close doors that at some time we may regret we never explored.

    If you choose to not get involved with someone that is not a rejection, but don't stop living just because you have change your goals.

    I would go and see how I felt, you are not entering into a contract just by going with the group and it may be a good opportunity to explain to the whole group your new goals you have now when it comes to serving Jehovah.

    You know this site will bring the scoffers but keep in mind what was Jehovah's intent for mankind when he created the Garden of Eden.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 10 years ago

    Hi sis. I do not know how long you have been baptized but from what I have seen from your answers before, you are relatively new. I love your zeal and we are told to have that quality no matter how long we have been in His Organization.

    I do notice that you have mixed feelings on this subject of finding a mate. On one hand, you say your goals have dramatically changed and you are not looking for a marriage partner. Then the next paragraph you say it would be awesome to have a man to call your own...rock each others world.

    Believe me, I do understand those feelings you are having. I have been married and single in the truth. By all means keep praying on your feelings and be specific. It would be good to express your feelings to others and perhaps this brother as well. If you think it could work into something in the future, why not just take it slow and be friends for a while. Let him know that. In the meantime, put it in Jehovah's hands and do not give up your spiritual goals.

    Remember: "Keep on, then, seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you. So, never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Mt. 6:33, 34

    This can apply to anything that is weighing heavy on our minds. We need to take each day as it comes. Not always easy but very necessary!

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Rick G
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    Since marriage is for life, and with our understanding of the life before us, that means forever. I think you are wise in deciding that you want to gain some maturity, especially spiritually before making a choice to marry.

    While the brother you describe is a very 'desirable' man, if he feels the same way about spiritual interests, he would understand. In fact, a single MS (ie, not captured and tied down yet!) would indicate that he does have that value.

    In the group settings that you get to meet with him, bring up the concept of spiritual growth and maturity. Get the group to discuss how they view making a choice to expand one's spiritual life over that of letting physical things dominate their lives.

    You will get to see his reaction and his expressions.

    And remember, while he may look 'perfect' from the outside, maybe he has things he has decided that HE needs to work on to be a better man, one that will truly be what you are looking for.

    Plus, when we have forever, it is never "too late" to find the perfect mate.

    Your brother, Rick.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 10 years ago

    Hello sister,

    I think you should have an honest discussion with him, and if his christian walk is as close to God as yours, then he will understand fully (he may not find your decision easy to accept). He may have been praying concerning his feelings for you, and you still feel as you do, so tell him how you want to place the Lord first. It's always a great idea to pray together. The place to pray is important too, as in a private room there can be a difficult situation develop.

    Perhaps you are not certain as to his degree of commitment to God. It sounds as if he wants to provide a place that is public with friends present, and that's a good sign. I think your perspective of God first is wonderful, and most unusual today in many circles.

    Just explain to him that timing is very important to you, and ask him to be completely open with you - would he be prepared to wait?

    God bless you, and may He reveal to you the direction you must take, and may The Holy Spirit provide the right words for you to say. leave the worry about his feelings to God.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 10 years ago

    Hello: Sis

    Slow is good. This is especially the case if you have not been baptized for at least one year. Let the brother know that you want to get to know Jehovah better, and you want to get to know yourself as a spiritual person and consider spiritual goals.

    Share with him your thoughts.

    "There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk, but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment." Proverbs 15:22

    Speak to him at a most appropriate time and share with him some of the thoughts that you have with others. You may not want to mention any of those flattering thoughts with him, though.

    "A man [or woman] has rejoicing in the answer of his mouth, and a word at its right time is O how good!" Proverbs 15:23

    Put yourself in his shoes in order to try and understand what would be a tactful and loving way to tell him that you have, at this particular time, different goals. Perhaps, without leading him on you could simply tell him that you are flattered by his interest in you and that you would love to remain friends.

    "Keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest [his feelings] upon those of the others." Philippians 2:4

    You have plenty of time for marriage in the future. Stay concentrated on the urgency of the preaching work and the spiritual opportunities available to you.

    "Preach the word, be at it urgently in favorable season, reprove, reprimand, exhort, with all long-suffering and art of teaching." 2 Timothy 4:2

    Formerly you lacked spiritual opportunities but now you have many. Continue giving thought to your new found spiritual opportunities, as Paul rejoiced in that of the Philippian congregations.

    "I do rejoice greatly in the Lord that now at last you have revived your thinking in my behalf, to which you were really giving thought, but you lacked opportunity." Philippians 4:10

    EDIT: To Sister Grandall

    That on and off of inordinate sexual desire is called the "holy spirit"

    "for if you live in accord with the flesh you are sure to die; but if you put the practices of the body to death by the spirit, you will live." Romans 8:12, 13

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 10 years ago

    Why not tell him basically what you've told us and see how he reacts. He may feel the same way, and want to take things slowly, spending much time in study and service. The kind of outing he is suggesting with other brothers and sisters sounds like a good way to relax and get to know if he is "on the same page" as you or is willing to wait some time before developing a relationship.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    I love your way of thinking. You are in fact putting spiritual things first, Jehovah will never forget that. Simply "copy and paste" this question into an e-mail, click send, and call it good. Don't worry about hurting feelings or any of that silly stuff, and don't lead him on. If he loves Jehovah, he will understand and respect your wishes. You seem like a "good catch", so don't be surprised if he checks in from time to time. On the other hand, don't be upset with him or yourself if he finds someone else.

    I know, there are seldom simple answers about relationships. Again, I love your way of thinking on the matter.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Hi sis,

    Please explain it to him exactly as you have done here & get to know him as a brother & friend. You can help each other spiritually without any burdens of trying to impress each other. That is the good thing about being in the truth, those pressures are removed. Be honest with him & explain it to him the way you have done to us

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 10 years ago

    Sis this is totally normal to feel this way. You want to learn more and give you're all to God, and you have some feelings for this brother. As a wife we need to also see to our husbands needs. There is nothing wrong in putting spiritual goals first right now. But this is a decision that you'll need to make. If this brother is as spiritually minded as you are, then that can be be a help to you both.

    • Login to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.