? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 10 years ago

Good or bad? (please answer:)?

I'll just come out and admit it: asking people their thoughts on my writing is a guilty pleasure of mine. So here it goes (I litteraly just wrote this so excuse some of the spelling/gramatical errors I am positive are up in there somewhere:

My alarm went off and I groggily sat up. The light from the sun shined through the window and I decided it was a good day for a morning jog. It had been a week since the coffee shop and I hadn’t talk to, or seen James--or Sempory for that matter--since. It was if they had all ran away with the circus or something. I may've been over thinking it, but it had been two weeks, plus James said that he would see me the fallowing day. He had texted me once though, I didn’t answer, but he still texted me. I hadn’t even opened it, and I didn’t plan on it.

I wasn’t worried about them. Or at least I shouldn't have been.

Sempory was a jerk, a two faced weirdo with only "one thing" on his mind--whether it was given to him freely or not. While James was, well, sort of different. He wore dark colors, had a piercing or two, gave off an arrogant air, and I was pretty sure he had some sort of tattoo on the palm of his hand. He was totally not right for me, he was opposite of me and my open feelings and cheeriness, and yet I felt myself being drawn to him. Like a fly to a lamp in the middle of a pitch-black night.

That day I wore a pair of plain white tennis shoes that I had had for a few months. They weren’t really, but a dirty off white color that said, "Yes I used to be cute and clean but now I'm a dirty mess." I like them just the same and was unwilling to get another pair until I ran the sole of the shoes out of them.

When I walked out he air hit me like a brick of ice. It was freezing. I almost went back inside but there was something so inviting about the cold air and warm sun. It was early yet, so I decided to just bear through the cold for a little while. The air would warm and I would have a good run.

There wasn’t too much traffic because it had been just after four-o-clock. I liked to run early in the morning because it helped me to think. I always planned out my day while I was running. Where I would go, who I would see, what movie I would watch with my twin brother, how much popcorn the two of us would eat, etcetera, etcetera.

I turned a corner and admired the small but cute café type things that lined the road. I stopped and got a muffin in one of them and kept running. It was getting warmer, just like I thought. I was beggining to sweat--mother would correct me and say perspire--and became short of breath. I would have worried about taking a brake for a while, but a hand clamped over my mouth and pulled me into a car. I couldn’t see anything for some reason so I had one of my famous panic attacks that end with me passing out.

Good, bad, awful? I'm too hard onmyself and everytime I add something to this story i get the image of me stabbing my eyes out LOL Please tell me what you honestly think about it....Even if you are going to tell me that you hate it. Try to point out gramatical errors and such out as well! Thanks lots ;D

Update:

no, this wasn't the beginning of the story. i have revised this since so it's not awful any longer lol. explained the two guys because they weren't really described before. This is reletively early in the story so it wasn't as if i waited twenty chapter to actually introduce them... Basically this was a normal morning for her: get up, get ready go for a run. Also i could not explain the car she was pulled into because she could not see it. I did add A LOT of detail to it. I can so relate to being frustrated when an only an excert is presented to read though....it's like o_O "oh no they didn't!" LOL thanks so much (:

3 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's not bad, but the whole "alarm clock ringing to start the day" intro is pretty cliched, and the writing could use a lot more detail. It seems dry, like a police report, only in first person: "I woke up. And then I did this. And then this happened at 13:00. Then I stopped for a muffin. Then I kept going." This style means that the ending totally lacks suspense. She just got pulled into a car, for chrissakes! Shouldn't there be some emotion? This is basically what she says:

    "I couldn't see anything. It was weird. Whatever. And then I had to go and have a panic attack. Ugh. So annoying."

    She just got kidnapped! We need to feel the urgency! Omg! Who did it? Did they sneak up from behind her? Did she struggle? What did the kidnapper look like? Was there anyone on the sidewalk watching? What kind of car were they driving? What was the girl thinking as it happened? These are the kinds of things that flesh out a scene and give the reader a vivid mental picture.

    Plus, is this supposed to be the beginning of a story? The way she says "it had been a week since the coffee shop" makes it seem like this part was taken from the middle of the story. In which case, it doesn't make sense for you to describe the two guys again. We've already read about them.

    Let's say this is the beginning of the story, though. Then the first thing you should be doing is describing what your character's life is like, not talking about these random dudes we haven't met. Does she go jogging regularly? Is she an active, athletic person? Or is she out of shape, trying to force herself to get more exercise, and jogging is an ordeal for her? Right now I don't know anything about the girl, or why I should care about these guys. Why are they important enough to be the first thing the narrator thinks about when she wakes up?

    A thing that I noticed: "worried about taking a brake" should be "break."

    I hope my criticism comes across as constructive, and not snippy. It's just that extracts from stories kinda frustrate me, because I don't know what I've missed or where the heck the story is headed. A line that I think sounds pointless or random might be significant later, or relates to something significant that happened earlier on. Only you know if that's the case, though. Good luck with the rest of the story. :)

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  • 10 years ago

    Well, when it says the light "shined" through my window, it should be "shone". You should probably be more descriptive, and she probably shouldn't buy a muffin in the middle of a run. In the last paragraph, it would be better if you put "I turned a corner and admired the dainty cafes that lined the road." Also, I would write "i would have worried about taking a brake for a while, but before I could slow to a walk, a hand clamped over my mouth, and I was pulled into a black mercedes." Lol, I would kind of like to know a bit more about the car, but you're doing really well. Let's both try our best at becoming great writers! :D

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  • 10 years ago

    i really like the beginning! it reminds me of some mornings when i wake up and i just feel like going for a run! it's realistic, which is how i like my novels! : )

    answer mine please?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkNkC...

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