Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 9 years ago

The funniest joke you've ever heard?

So, what's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

14 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest

    little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep

    widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's

    on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and

    fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over

    there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

    leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

  • 9 years ago

    I can never remember jokes so I doubt this is the funniest I've ever heard, but it did make me laugh

    remember to do the italian accent in your head ;)

    An englishman goes on holiday to Italy. It's evening and he's walking through a field, he comes to a lake where he sees a guy sat on the edge of the water with his head in his hands. In the beauty of his surroundings he loses his natural reserve so he goes up to the guy and says 'hey man, what's wrong? what are you sad about?'

    the italian replies 'you see the houses up there?' he gestures to a nearby hill where there is a line of houses. '10 houses. I built every one of them myself. But do they call me Giuseppe the House Builder?'

    the englishman is a little confused, so he apologises and says 'I don't understand..'

    the italian points to the other side of the lake and says 'You see those little fishing boats? 20 boats. I built every one of them myself. but do they call me Giuseppe the Boat Maker?'

    the englishman is still puzzled and says 'well, I'm sorry, I still don't understand.'

    the Italian looks up and says 'I shag ONE sheep!'

  • 4 years ago

    A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail". ----------------------------------------... An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" ----------------------------------------... The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

  • 9 years ago

    Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a girl was sunbathing in the nude.

    As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the girl. Again, after just a few minutes,

    Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time,

    Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked girl, I would turn to stone..."

    "So...?", asked his friends.

    "Well... I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

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  • 9 years ago

    rachel o's joke was pretty good, made me laugh!

    here's one which i tell to everyone!

    There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

    A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.

    A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

  • 9 years ago

    Joke

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

    The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

    The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

    The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

    The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

    The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I've a lot of jokes to tell you but this one is classic...

    Once a man was disappointed that he wasn't wished by any one at his birth day... He burst out that every one including his wife, children, his friends had forgotten about his birth day... he then went to his office lethargically and surprised to see his hot assistant wishing him... she invited him to her home for having a party... by the evening he went to her home... there was no one there except her... now he understood her intentions to have sex with him... she went inside and ask him to wait in the couch... when she returned back with all his friends, his wife and children, they were astonished to see him sitting in the couch naked....:)

  • 9 years ago

    A boy was sitting in front of a girl in a second grade class.

    Just as the teacher asked, "who is the one and only?", the girl poked the boy in the head with a pencil.

    The boy: OMG! Teacher: Very good!

    Teacher: Who is God's son, and our lord?

    The girl pokes him again

    Boy: Jesus Christ! Teacher: Correct again!

    Teacher: What did Eve say to Adam when they were trying to have babies?

    Girl pokes boy again.

    Boy: IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING AGAIN I'M GOING TO CHOP IT OFF!

    ROFL, get the last sentence eh? (;

    MADE ME LAUGH HARD!!

  • 9 years ago

    meh, its kinda dirty, but hilarious.

    a little boy was on a bus. he told the bus driver, "if my mom was and elephant, and my dad was an elephant, i would be a baby elephant, and my mom was a cow, and my dad was a bull, then id be a little bull. " he kept doing this, until the bus driver snapped, and said, "OH YEAH? WHAT IF YOUR MOM WAS A HOOKER AND YOUR DAD WAS GAY? " the little boy replied, "then i'd be a bus driver. "

    Source(s): me:)
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