what is the funniest joke you ever heard?

name the funniest joke and Ill choose the best 1 that actually made me laugh :)

12 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Best Answer

    A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

    One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

    The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

    The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

    One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?""The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl."Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?""Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.""Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?""Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there,an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.

    The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Nownude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

    Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me!!!."

    ---

  • 9 years ago

    How do you be a cowboy? First you get your girl, do her from behind, then whisper in her ear "Your sister was better", and hold on for dear life!

    A woman was having twins but went into a coma from exhaustion. 2 months later she awakens, only to find that her retarded brother named the kids. She asks the nurse whats the girl's name.

    "Denise is her name" replied the nurse.

    "Good, what the boy's name?" asked the woman

    "Denephew!" replied the nurse

    A boy and his father went out camping. The father didnt know much about astronomy so he was constantly asking his son questions. Later the two go to sleep in a tent. Two hours later the father awakens the kid and asks "What do yo see?"

    The boy replies " I see constellations"

    "And what does tha mean?' asks his dad

    "The constellations are a collection of stars that the Ancient Greeks though were images. They really are magnificet aren't they?"

    The dad says "No retard, that means someone stole our tent!!!"

  • 9 years ago

    panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

    The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

    The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

    Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

    Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

    The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

    Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

    "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

    "Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

  • 9 years ago

    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 9 years ago

    Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

    The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take

    the day off and go relax."

    Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

    The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

    A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

    He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

    Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only

    had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my

    son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours John Smith Snr.

  • 9 years ago

    what did the egg say to the boiling water?

    it may take me a while to get hard i just got laid last night! :D

    "talk like an adult"

    the grade 2 pupils returned to class after a long weekend. their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend., but to use adult words in telling their story. pupil #1 "i visited my nana." teacher: "please use adult words, you visited your grandmother" pupil #2 "i had a ride on the choo choo" teacher "please, you had a ride on the train" third pupil "i read a whole book by myself! for the first time" teacher: "what was the book?" pupil #3 "winnie the ****!"

    sunday school

    a teacher was asking her students questions about God. little sally fell asleep in the middle of class. the first question was who created earth? johnny poked sally with a pencil and yelled out "God!!" that right said the teacher. sally fell back asleep. the second question "who died on the cross for us?" johnny poked sally with the pencil again and yelled "Jesus Christ!" right again sally! said the teacher. the third and final question was "what did eve say to adam after their last baby?" johnny once again poked sally with the pencil and she exclaimed "if you touch me with that thing one more time ill break it in half!"

    Source(s): my fav jokes
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Well hope these make you laugh :) They are story jokes hopefully they will do :D

    Prison Escape

    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

    His wife responds:

    "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him It was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

    Sick Dad

    Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

    While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'

    The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'

    Who's This Guy?

    after a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter

    Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

    "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

    He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

    Naturally, the guy began to worry.

    "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

    At The End Of The Cave

    Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.

    "I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"

    The first man runs away.

    They hear the voice again.

    "I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"

    The second man runs away.

    The voice comes once more.

    "I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"

    The last man bravely walks on.

    And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.

    Spit Ball

    Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now one hour early

    Student: Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher

    Teacher: who shot that spit ball

    Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.

    The Next Cubicle

    A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.

    "Hey, hows it going?"

    Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."

    A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.

    "What are you up to?"

    Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"

    He heard the voice again.

    "Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!

    Shelly

    Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.

    One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.

    When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.

    "Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.

    What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.

    The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.

    Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.

    "Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"

    "But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    chuck norris is really the founder of KFC because one day he walked into McDonald's at 10:15 and wanted breakfast they told him no and he said "do you know who i am" the man behind the counter said "no i don't" chuck said "im chuck norris" and round housed kicked McDonald's in to KFC 10 minutes later he went to burger king ordered a big mc and got one

  • 9 years ago

    Man wanted to get married released an ad in newspaper -- Wife wanted please contact me.

    He received a lot of responses -- of husbands writing him - you can take mine. ha ha ha

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.