Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

How's my writing one being terrible and ten being awesome...?

This is my first page of my writing. Sorry it's long. I just would like to know how it is. I'm done with my other one. Tips, advice and comments are accepted.

1 being terrible and ten being awesome.

Exhausted. Yup, that was the word I was looking for. I’ve been having to put an all nighters lately because of the new move, but, what I hate even more is when you yawn in your tenth period Social Studies class. Everyone’s like ‘Dude it’s 2:55 and your tired?’ and I want to slap them so bad but they don’t know what it is like to be up till 3 in the morning. Usually their mommy and daddy wants them in bed 10 sharp. Well that’s not mine. They didn’t care as long as I get my knowledge or whatever. I mean I’m not the person that is going to be either skipping grades or in advanced classes nor am I barely pass the class. My grades are decent mostly average. I don’t participate. I wont ever, they just look like fools waving their hands in the air and obviously you know the teacher only calls on students who are either sleeping or aren’t paying attention. Which isn’t me either? I pay close attention but I just choose not to try.

Enough with school. Whenever I got home, I booted up my HP purple laptop. It usually takes time, so I stop. I began to work on my essay about a persuasive essay. When my HP laptop (PrincessP, the laptops name) finally booted up, I went straight to IM.

Usually everyone’s on, not today. She went to check her email. Nothing, Hmm, she thought. Oh well, she grabbed her phone and began to text Vi.

Me: Vi, Hi?

Vi: Hey Hil, whts up?

Me: nm hbu??

Vi: ugh nuttin really, but who do you like.

I thought for a bit about this question. She always tries to do this to me.

Me: S.V.S!! Anyway I’ve got tonss and tons of hw to do!! Do u?

Vi: I’ll tell u who I like!! And yeah but I nvr do it n u don’t either.

Dang it. She got me good.

Me: Yea but this year, I’m going to change!!

Vi: really how?

Me; LS. G2g bye

She always did that to me. “Hilary! Hilary! Help us unpack the baby’s toys.” My father said. “Sorry dad, I can’t to much homework, and education comes first. Right mom?”

I’m guessing my mother nodded her head. I started on my essay. I was going to do a paper about obesity. I think it was going to be easy and this is when I’m starting to do my best in school. My IM was dinging with initiation from my friends.

Hilary signed on.

Jenny: HEEY HILARY!

Ashley: Stop with the caps.

Jenny: hahaha yeah my sister clicked the caps button she finds it fun when the light goes on. Haha

Ashley: Hilary waz upp

Hilary: ugh im so behind and guess what, I've decided to change!!

Ashley: Change How?

Hilary: the new baby, Kynsie’s put a real change upon me. I’m startin 2 study more n more.

JENNY: good 4 u!! I’m so sadd..

ASHLEY: Why?? Whats up Jen n Hil??

JENNY: bc I’ve got so much homework and its very sad.. also im grounded. And im just chillin hbu?

HILARY: ugh, im doing my essay.

ASHLEY: Im so bored, and jen what are u grounded from??

Jenny: my phone so don’t call or text me cuz my mom has my phone. And tv.

Hilary:….. are u allowed to hang-out with us tomorrow?

Jenny: whts 2mrrw?

Ashley: Friday

Jenny: NOO!! What are you guys doing? Tho?

Ashley: me and hil decided tht we r goin go 2 her house and watch a movie then go to the mall after tht we are going to dye my hair.

Hilary: yep

Jenny: Man I always miss out on SFF.. What color/??

Ashley: blonde wit brown highlights.. And can you hang out Saturday??

Hilary: yeah and u nvr told us y u got grounded..

Jenny: idk if u convince my mom. What r u doin Saturday? Also bc I back talked.

Ashley: Saturday we r goin do our nails, go swimming, n just idk but if u come u have 2 stay the night on Sunday so we can hang out and leave Sunday it’s all at my house.

Jenny: ohh ok so tht idk we can work on our homework (wink, wink)

Ashley: Yay haha I’ve got 2 go set dinner..

Hilary signed off.

Jenny: wht time is it

Ashley: 6:30

Ashley signed off.

Jenny signed off.

11 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Tactfully, I'd say your writing is around a 3 - 4 right now. You need to brush up on some basics and learn to integrate your story better.

    You've changed voice in the story a few times, and then went into a copy/paste of the IM conversations with no transition or purpose. Also, while you want to stay true to your voice and an actual conversation you may have, you need to broaden your appeal so anyone can read the conversation - stick with universal IM jargon, such as brb, lol, gtg, etc and stay away from excessive abbreviations. You want it to be simple to read so as not to alienate a user who might not use IM often.

    I'd also suggest proof-reading before publishing a draft for critique as a simple one could help clean this up a lot. You've got a few glaring errors - "initiation" for "invitation" is one - that really jar someone that is reading the story.

    Overall, though, you're at the beginning, and you can craft a story so you have that to your advantage. Just make sure you don't get discouraged, brush up on the grammar and research some novelist writing information so you can nail your transitions and voice. Good luck.

    Source(s): - Professional freelancer, +5 years
  • Joss
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    LOL. I answered your other question about how do you know if writing is for you. I didn't read your writing when I answered that question and I didn't know that you had asked people to rate your writing. That last bit is important, because I answered the question thinking you asked for feedback and then people said you should stop writing. That's different than asking people to rate you 1-10 and then people saying you're a bad writer, lol.

    Now, I agree. This is a very poor piece. It's boring. You have a lot to learn when it comes to writing a good novel. Make sure you do lots of reading, because that's the best way to learn. Now, your character does have a strong voice, be it annoying, but it's there. That's a good step in the right direction. You have problems with your grammar. You can't become a writer if you're not good with grammar. You're having problems with your "persons." Are you writing in first person or third person? Work on your tense, too, and try to stick to just one.

    It's boring because I don't see a plot. I don't see any conflict. I don't care about the characters. And, I certainly dont see the point of the IM conversation. Remember this bit of advice when you're writing a story: everything you write has to reveal character (show the kind of person the character is) or move the plot forward. If it does neither of those things then delete it. Ask yourself how this IM conversation reveals who Hilary is or how it plays a role in the actual plot. If you can't figure out how then delete it, because it's insignificant, boring, and a waste of space. NEVER write anything just to fill up space. There should be significance to everything you write. Also, your IM conversation is confusing. Is her screen name Me or is it Hilary? Always be consistent when you write.

    This is a one. It's terrible, but that doesn't mean that you can't improve. I suggest you read as much as you can and pay attention to how the authors write their novels. Pay attention to how the authors build their scenes. Pay attention to how the authors develop their characters. Reading also helps with your grammar. Keep writing and reading and eventually it'll get better.

  • 9 years ago

    Agreeing with the others. I'd give this about a 3 right now. You really need to work on your grammar and the writing is choppy right now. It doesn't flow. Plus, nobody's going to be interested in text messages. That information would be a lot more interesting in dialogue where the characters are actually responding to each other. Plus, she pulled an all nighter where? A gas station? 24 hour diner? Babysitting?

    This doesn't work 'what I hate even more is when you yawn in your tenth period Social Studies class.' First of all, don't say 'you.' When I read, I want to enter the writer's world and by saying 'you', it's jars me out of that world. Besides, everyone yawns in class. Nobody's going to care.

    'nor am I barley passing the class.' Grammar please. Plus all the stuff about the grades isn't interesting. Too much inner monologue will bore the reader.

    'Enough with school. Whenever I got home,' This sounds like a diary entry or like you're talking to a friend. You've got to find a way to hook the reader and make them interested in the character. Good luck with it!

  • 9 years ago

    3

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I stopped reading very quickly after reading this : "I’ve been having to put an all nighters lately"

    Did you mean to write "I've been having to put in all nighters lately"?

    Proofread your work. Be aware that little bitty mistakes will cause an editor to immediately throw a book or article to the side. They won't waste their time on anything that is not completely professional.

    Second, you changed perspectives in the second paragraph "I went straight to IM.

    Usually everyone’s on, not today. She went to check her email. " You went from "I went" to "She went" Changing perspectives like that is a real no-no in good writing. Just fyi.

    I WANT TO ADD: DO NOT get discouraged. If you like writing, then take the comments and improve. That is what any good writer does. He listens to his audience. Keep in mind that for every successfully published novel that a writer has....on average...there are at least FOUR in the bottom of a drawer that were NOT published. Writing is hard work but fun. Keep after it!

    Source(s): Writing Minor
  • Plot: You're tired and don't like school. You chat with your friends.

    That's not a story. It's a rant and a chat log. Meanwhile, out in the world, some children are afraid to step on landmines when they go out to play. Slavery still exists, only now it's underground. People all around you are discovering love for the first time, or dreaming of impossible worlds where catgirls eat silly mice boys or angels dance with demons and no one is able to say who will fall and who will rise.

    Do something worth writing about.

    Imagine something more exciting than something you could do every single waking day of your life.

    When you write, you are given a set of wings.

    Use them.

  • cinnea
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    2. I was going to say 4, but then realized I only skimmed it. You start in first person perspective ("I was..."), then shift to third ("she was...") for no discernible reason. The block of IM chat is ridiculously long and jargon laden - break it up with prose, or even better, make it a phone conversation or video chat. And at this point, I can't figure out if there is any plot to your story or if it's just pedantic complaining about your life. I mean, most teenagers are tired in tenth period social studies.

  • 9 years ago

    I'd give this a 2.

    It's very badly written, and it's just very, very dull. It's too vacuous people IMing. Those conversations are only interesting if you are one of the participants. And how do they actually tell us anything about the characters other than that they've got zero depth? What do we learn about these people or their lives or the plot from reading every detail of that conversation? Nothing. Also, your lead character, frankly, needs a sharp slap in the face. This is a very, very immature piece of writing.

  • 4 years ago

    Lol, you had me at "Nuclear Uterine". Is it possible to assign BA to a question? Your problem Jack is that you live in the tree-hugging, tofu-munching liberal paradise of California. You ought to move up here to Idaho, where (no joking) there is currently a proposition on the ballot to amend the constitution to state how important huntin' and fishin' are to the state. On an unrelated note, does anyone know the process to get one of your contacts court-ordered to write a novel?

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It's _boring_.

    Who cares about children having an IM conversation about hair and fingernails? Who cares what colour Mary Sue's laptop is? Who cares about a spoiled child who is too lazy to think?

    Try a main character who isn't a waste of space, who actually DOES something with her life, and write a story with a PLOT. Either that or have this one grow up a bit. What employer do you think will even look at little miss "I'm too special to participate"?

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