Am I wrong to feel this way about my father?
Ever since my parents got divorced four years ago, my father and I have not been very close. We've gone through periods where we've gotten along, but recently we do not at all. He has a new family and rarely calls me (though he occasionally texts me, even though I have told him I don't like it and would rather him call). I don't want to go into our whole relationship as it is a long story, but just know that he is pretty self absorbed and immature, and does not make a great effort to be involved in my life. We are like fire and ice- to me, he is a somewhat repulsive person. Put it this way: I love him because he is my father, but I do not like him as a person. I am about to leave for college in two weeks and he probably does not even know what my major is, much less what classes I am taking. He hasn't asked me once about everything my mom and I are doing to prepare (I am flying across country so it is a big move). I sometimes wonder if he even thinks about me, what with a new pseudo-wife and son in his life.
He lives with his family 15 minutes from me so it's not like distance is a separating factor here. I have told him what upsets me before, most of the time in kind watered down terms because he gets very defensive and abrasive whenever I broach it (he feels like I criticize him all the time, which I do because he is ridiculous and rude to most people). Once a few weeks ago I broke down and told him in the bluntest manner everything that has bothered me about him since the divorce. I admit I was harsh, but it was the only way to get through to him because usually he just yells back at me. You'd think after that he would try to improve on some of the things I mentioned, but alas, no.
On the flip side, he sometimes will get the urge to call me and act like everything is OK, that is he a great dad, that he wants to take me to lunch, on his boat, yada yada. This makes me feel resentful, because I do not feel that he is a good father and it angers me that he can expect me to fulfil the role of loving daughter whenever he feels like doting on me from afar. Today he called wanting to go to lunch, and I obliged, but I am not going to be able to pretend like all is well. I am leaving so soon and this is the first time he has called me in two weeks, most likely because he is leaving on Saturday for a week and won't get to see me before I go. Am I wrong to not want to play along and pretend to be the perfect adoring daughter, when he only chooses to be my father when it is convenient to him?
Thank you all for the wonderful answers. Just to clarify, my family isn't particularly well off. We are solidly middle class. In fact one of the things that bothers me so much is that my father has been unemployed for the past two years, and spends a lot of time trying to make money without having to actually get a real job. The boat I referred to belongs to his girlfriend, he just uses it all the time- which also bothers me, since he is in his 50s not a 3 year old with a new toy.
- KelLv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
Coming from someone who was treated as the convenient daughter the majority of my life, please please let this go. Feeling guilty for your feelings & punishing yourself by wondering if what you feel is right or wrong is a waste of time and energy. You feel what you feel, regardless of it being right or wrong. I learned a long time ago to just let it go, if he doesn't feel the need to be involved in your life then so be it, get on with your life, leave him in the past with his new family and make yourself happy. I wasted so much time thinking about what a bad dad he is, but that's his problem, not mine. In the end he will have to answer for his wrongs, not me. So to put it bluntly, screw him. Do you! Go to college, be happy and successful and one of these days when he's old in a nursing home needing someone to wipe his *** or feed him pudding he will wonder where you are and what you're doing. What goes around comes around honey.
- speedyLv 51 decade ago
No. You are not wrong to not want to pretend. Sometimes you got to take things as they are. I am getting the feeling your family might be, say a bit " well off " and that complicates the matter. No offense. Just kind of got that vibe. I can't say don't worry because you will any way, but you are taking the first of many steps. This is now " Your " journey. Hopefully your dad will come round. Good luck and do what you have to do to ensure " Your " future.
- 1 decade ago
I don't think you are wrong. He should give more attention and love to you, after all your his daughter who is going to go to COLLEGE! That means he won't be able to call you and fake everything is okay wanting you to do something with him. I think it's a good start you told him how you felt but maybe if you go to lunch with him you can tell him how you feel calmly. You can explain it like you did here. If he doesn't understand, it's his loss.
- 1 decade ago
Well some people they still love and take care, but they don't know how start, he might have self confidence problem,