What do you think of the beginning of my story (Pt. 1)?
Crashing my bicycle into a bush and watching my brother Chris down a bottle of whiskey while he mowed the lawn in his underwear was not how I expected my evening to go. I was supposed to come to his house with my sister, but she had to abandon the mission to take care of her daughter. I flicked the remaining blueberries out of my hair and realized that he was also singing some sort of cartoon theme song and swaying his hips. I twisted my face in disgust and had to look away for a few moments.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked as I got off of my bike.
Chris turned around and was now exposing the front side of his body that I certainly didn't want to see. I shielded my eyes from the horrific sight that was my brother's junk (at least they were covered up) and repeated, "What are you doing?" He began to walker closer to me, holding his arms out like he was a zombie about ready to eat my flesh, his eyes wide and a grin plastered on his face. I took one step back as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Hey, how's my favorite little brother doing?" he slurred into my shoulder. I shrugged off the fact that I was his only brother and fake gagged at his half-naked hug, pushing him away with both of my hands. Chris nearly toppled over, but he grabbed on to his mailbox instead. He embraced it as if it were one of his own children and started petting it like it was glass, fragile and easily broken, mumbling unidentifiable words into it. I knew that I had gotten drunk off my a** before, but that usually just ended with me urinating in my lunatic neighbor's newly trimmed bushes. I never talked to inanimate objects...or at least I never thought I had.
I shoved my hands farther into my jacket pocket, fumbling with the loose change. "Chris, are you sure you're okay? You had us worried when you stormed out of the restaurant earlier." That evening as when my brother, our sister Abby, and I all went out for our weekly dinner. It started out as it normally did: Abby cramming a whole night's worth of drinking into three minutes (I counted), Chris flirting with the waitresses and the occasional waiter to get us free desserts, and me trying to figure out why I still made myself go out with them every week. Damn, I needed a life. But when Abby brought up Chris's financial situation, he took off and never came back. Abby and I spent the rest of that delightful evening trying to figure out how to talk to him.
"Just dandy," he responded with his signature "everything's fine but you know that's not true" smile. Typical Chris, always acting like even the worst of things are good in front of his siblings.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I dunno, man. You've seemed pretty bummed out lately. Everything okay at home?" I motioned toward his house that was covered with splotches of hot pink paint, thanks to my niece, in the background. He turned around for a quick glance and then was back facing me. "Come on. Open up. Isn't this what brothers are for?" Brothers are also for bailing you out of jail and hiding the newest addition of his porn collection in your house so their wife and kids don't find it.
Chris scrubbed his hand over his face. "I'm...I'm just so sick of it, you know? Jen's been driving me nuts ever since the new baby was born, Hannah and Dylan keep complaining about how we never never play with them anymore, and, on top of the crap sundae that is my life, I'm in debt and can't afford to live in the house anymore!"
I wasn't surprised by any of those facts. I knew Chris and Jen were having problems, but what couple hadn't gone through the same thing they were a million different times before? My niece and nephew already told me about how lonely they had been feeling since Caleb was born. I was also aware of Chris's financial problems because he had been borrowing money from me ever since he lost his job last month. "Look, if you need to borrow money--" I was cut off by my brother.
-- What did you think of it? Would you continue reading on? What would you rate it on a scale of one to ten (one being awful and ten being the best)? The most detailed and thorough answer shall receive best answer and ten points!
Thanks! I really appreciate it!
- mangeunepizzaLv 410 years agoFavorite Answer
Your writing is very good. It flows very well and is descriptive and captivating. It reminds me of the kind of writing styles in many great novels. I would continue reading on. The plot isn't really the kind of stuff I prefer to read about, but it is good. I would rate it an eight. Good job and keep up the good work.
- 10 years ago
Well, I'd say it's a 7 on a scale of one to ten. My advice wold be that it just needs more detail in what the narrator feels, hears, and the other 5 senses. Also, to add reason for the characters actions. But, I would continue to read it since in deals with real life hardships.
- 10 years ago
I thought it was very good, you are a wonderful author. On a scale of 1-10 I would give it a 7. I myself would read the rest, but if other people would depends on what type of person it is. You should continue writing it and if you do please email me the rest. :)
- 10 years ago
It was definitely very interesting, and if you finished it i'd probably read it. its not exactly my type of book, seeing as im more into the horror/mystery genres but i'd probably give it a 7 1/2 or so.
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- chappaLv 43 years ago
chuffed birthday ya Sa3eeeeeeeedddddd...... Kol sana wenta tayeb ya reiko....... would you have a marvelous chuffed 12 months, would all 12 months needs and objectives come authentic. all of us ignored you around right here, yet our hopes and desires are that 12 months having a marvelous time in Lebanon.
- Anonymous10 years ago
I really like it! Will you email me what you have and I can tell you what I think?
Also will you read mine and tell me what you think of it?