What do you think of the beginning of my story?
Crashing my bicycle into a bush and watching my brother Chris down a bottle of whiskey while he mowed the lawn in his underwear was not how I expected my evening to go. I was supposed to come to his house with my sister, but she had to abandon the mission to take care of her daughter. I flicked the remaining blueberries out of my hair and realized that he was also singing some sort of cartoon theme song and swaying his hips. I twisted my face in disgust and had to look away for a few moments.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked as I got off of my bike.
Chris turned around and was now exposing the front side of his body that I certainly didn't want to see. I shielded my eyes from the horrific sight that was my brother's junk (at least they were covered up) and repeated, "What are you doing?" He began to walker closer to me, holding his arms out like he was a zombie about ready to eat my flesh, his eyes wide and a grin plastered on his face. I took one step back as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Hey, how's my favorite little brother doing?" He slurred into my shoulder. I shrugged off the fact that I was his only brother and fake gagged at his half-naked hug, pushing him away with both of my hands. Chris nearly toppled over, but he grabbed on to his mailbox instead. He embraced it as if it were one of his own children and started petting it like it was glass, fragile and easily broken, mumbling unidentifiable words into it. I knew that I had gotten drunk off my *** before, but that usually just ended with me urinating in my lunatic neighbor's newly trimmed bushes. I never talked to inanimate objects...or at least I never thought I had.
I shoved my hands farther into my jacket pocket, fumbling with the loose change. "Chris, are you sure you're okay? You had us worried when you stormed out of the restaurant earlier." That evening as when my brother, our sister Abby, and I all went out for our weekly dinner. It started out as it normally did: Abby cramming a whole night's worth of drinking into three minutes (I counted), Chris flirting with the waitresses and the occasional waiter to get us free desserts, and me trying to figure out why I still made myself go out with them every week. Damn, I needed a life. But when Abby brought up Chris's financial situation, he took off and never came back. Abby and I spent the rest of that delightful evening trying to figure out how to talk to him.
"Just dandy," he responded with his signature "everything's fine but you know that's not true" smile. Typical Chris, always acting like even the worst of things are good in front of his siblings.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I dunno, man. You've seemed pretty bummed out lately. Everything okay at home?" I motioned to his house that was covered with splotches of hot pink paint, thanks to my niece, in the background. He turned around for a quick glance and then was back facing me. "Come on. Open up. Isn't this what brothers are for?" Brothers are also for bailing you out of jail and hiding the newest addition of his porn collection in your house so his wife and kids don't find it.
Chris scrubbed his hand over his face. "I'm...I'm just so sick of it, you know? Jen's been driving me nuts ever since the new baby was born, Hannah and Dylan keep complaining about how we never never play with them anymore, and, on top of the crap sundae that is my life, I'm in dept and can't afford to live in the house anymore!"
I wasn't surprised by any of those facts. I knew Chris and Jen were having problems, but what couple hadn't gone through the same thing they are a million different times before? My niece and nephew already told me about how lonely they had been feeling since Caleb was born. I was also aware of Chris's financial problems because he had been borrowing money from me ever since he lost his job last month. "Look, if you need to borrow money..." I was cut off by my brother.
-- What did you think of it? Would you continue reading on? What would you rate it on a scale of one to ten (one being awful and ten being the best)? The most detailed and thorough answer shall receive best answer and ten points!
Thanks! I really appreciate it!
Lacy - It might be perceived as boring because the action hasn't really started yet. Two paragraphs after where I left this off at, there's some conflict and a fist fight. Right now, I'm just trying my best to introduce my characters.
- LLv 49 years agoBest Answer
I thoroughly enjoyed it. I find some of the sentences are kind of run-on, though, such as the first one. It's kind of a mouthful, although that happens a lot in the HP novels. I ignored it when I was like nine, but now that I'm older those tend to bug me. I wouldn't suggest breaking it up though; that sentence has a nice hook to keep readers reading. (Although when I read it a few more times it didn't seem as long.)
In " 'Hey, how's my favorite little brother doing?' He slurred into my shoulder", the "H" shouldn't be capitalized. Judging from the rest of your writing though, I think that was just a simple mistake. In "I'm in dept", the correct term is "debt" as in the financial word. "Dept" added with a period at the end is short for "department."
"I knew Chris and Jen were having problems, but what couple hadn't gone through the same thing they are a million different times before?" You switch tense in the middle of that one -- "are" should be "were" because it's in the past tense. I know what you're trying to say though, as they're currently going through the financial problems. Right?
"Look, if you need to borrow money..." If he gets cut off, then you should add an m-dash instead of the dot-dot-dots. " 'Look, if you need to borrow money--' I was cut off by my brother." I like how you describe, and your metaphor about the zombie.
In "I motioned to his house", I believe "toward" would be a better replacement for "to."
In "Brothers are also for bailing you out of jail and hiding the newest addition of his porn collection in your house so his wife and kids don't find it", "his wife" should be replaced with "their wife".
Well, sorry I can't be more thorough than that, but I don't really see anything else wrong with it. I would definitely read on :)
- 9 years ago
I thought that the idea is intriguing in the way that it describes the life of most people now a days but it also had me laughing. When I saw how long it was I didn't expect to be reading the whole thing but to my surprise I read it all the way through. I give it a 6.5. Keep working on it.
- BarbaraLv 44 years ago
Go with a sensory description of the funeral, a bit on Grace's father (history), and foreshadowing on the mother. Kinda like this, maybe: The day seemed inappropriately bright. The sun was shining through the clouds in beautiful streaks, much like a Michelangelo painting, while unidentified birds chirped contentedly. Mother nature was mocking the patrons of St. Bea's Catholic Church, who were all assembled to mourn the passing of John Doe. He'd had a hard fight, but everyone had expected him to pull through. In his youth, John had been a football star and well love by the community. No one had been surprised when he married his sweetheart Janice just out of high school, and the birth of their first daughter had been an event for all. He sounded so jovial speaking of his wife's bizarre food cravings during the pregnancy. He had so many stories, so much positive energy. Imagine the grief of those involved when his illness became public knowledge. It ws especially hard on his wife. In just two months, she'd lost what looked to be fifty pounds. Even here, at this somber event, gossip abounded. "I heard that, in the last week, she told John she'd commit suicide if he left her. That's what Natalie said. You remember, the hospice nurse?" "I heard that her bedroom light's been on well into the nighttime hours, like she isn't sleeping. Or she can't sleep with the lights off. Not in the bed they used to share." Grace, the celebrated first child, wished with all her heart that she could clap her hands to her ears to shut their voices out. They were saying horrible things about her mother. Couldn't they see that this was not the time? That her mother was grieving? And that she, too, had gone without sleep or solace? That had been, in part, to her mom's almost catatonic behavior. It wasn't all untrue, what they were saying, and that was the worst part. Grace had needed to take responsibility for her younger brother. She had to explain why Dad wasn't on his cot anymore. Why there were so many baskets of junk, all offering sympathies, crowding the kitchen. More than that, Grace had needed to prepare each meal since her father's death, needed to clean the house. She'd tried to shake her mother from her stupor with her own grief, but that... Grace shuddered depite herself, and her hand seemed to float to her cheek of it's own accord. When she'd tried talking to he mother, asking for peace, a hug, some comforting words, she'd been struck. ... Hope that helps?
- 9 years ago
I really like it. I like the detail you put into the characters and i would most likely keep reading on. It's very intriguing and very realistic to today. A 10 definitely. Keep it up.
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- 9 years ago
if this story was true, or fake I would have believed it true. i would continue reading the story if you had it and if i had to rate it, it would be a nine I never really rate ten but its an awesome story sorry if i correct you (i can never stop myself from correcting people) you misspelled a couple of words but aside from that, your story was great!
- 9 years ago
Wow this is amazing! very detailed! I can picture it! You show, and not tell, and you explain everything so thoroughly. Chris is hilarious in the beginning! Keep going!
- 9 years ago
no offence, but its sorta pointless and borring..... idk maybe thats just me.. i rate it like a 3 and no i would not continue reading.. sorry! (:
- Anonymous9 years ago
omg thats brilliant well done :) xxx