I can't take this. I'm going crazy. My family is bad too. I can't take this. I want to die. I AM dying..?
I bet no one will read this. I don't really care.
I break down crying every morning. EVERY morning. I hate the way i look. I want to die every morning. I am dying. I feel like i die every day.
I don't really have any friends. Nor do i really want to, i don't like people, they are always failing. I just want to run away.
I suffered bad anxiety last year, but now depression too. Now i have moderate+ depression. I can barely eat from time to time. It makes me sick. I feel sick, i feel like crying, i feel like cutting, binging... i feel sick to my stomach and my head is shooting pain.
•My dad: he is emotionally abusive, he is also an alcoholic; he screams, he yells, he fights, he embarrasses me, he is controlling, he has really bad anger issues. I am actually scared to be around him when we are at home. He knows "everything" and makes fun of me. EX: dinner time, there is steamed broccoli and old, brown salad. (i can't eat anything that is out dated or it freaks me out) i have broccoli on my plate "JESSICA here have some salad" "No thanks i have broccoli" "Well OF COURSE, SHE TAKES EVERYTHING BUT THE SALAD" and makes fun of me, screams at me when i have people over, tells me that i need to go to the gym (Keep in mind, he is 3 inches taller than me, and a 100 pounds heavier) Or he might scream my name in the house 3 times until i appear in front of him for him to say something like "U can put ur feet in the pool" just to be controlling and make me do something. My mom is trying to divorce him, or, was... but she is worried that he would loose this house. He is even worse to my mom. I can't stand him... i fear him really bad.
•My sister: She is 31, 18 years older than me. She is a half sister. I can't remember 1 time where she did something that i really appreciated just for me. Not one time has she helped me when i was crying or was lonely and needed someone to talk to. She uses me to help her around the yard, to send her gifts on stupid games like farmville. She tells me that i should never be bored and that she would be mad if i was because there is "So much to do around the house and i should come to the barn and help her, i could even pick up sticks" but never, will she ever do anything for me. She is very selfish, like her dad. (1/2 sister 31 y.o) She is never nice to me. She get's me to help her with her pony ridBusinessniss and is always pissed off. She is really skinny and pretty with green eyes and everyone in my family compares me to her. She's a b!tchh to me. If she tries to give me "advice" it's always random and it's "All teenage girls think that they're depressed and sh!tt because they're all bi polar.
•My brother-in-law: He is never really nice, he is always drunk. I don't think i have ever held a conversation with him before. He is a few years younger than my sister... i think that he thinks i'm stupid or something...(him and my sister live next door)
•My grandma: She could care less about how i am feeling, she is a drunk old woman. When my dad says something rude to me she giggles along. Nothing i do will ever be enough for her. She is always talking to me like i'm 7 and telling me to "clean up your mess!" which is usually like a water bottle, but... it's a "huge" deal. I can't stand her. She is MEAN. If i say something like "i don't like to swim" she will say "Oh well you have to actually go outside to go swimming" or "oh you will enjoy the baseball game because you won't be on your computer and will actually watch it" she just gripes at me ALL the time.
•My mom: She is the only one that i can... well, stand. I love her the most. What she does do is say stuff like "You're so expensive!" and try to tell me that i am something that isn't good like, that i'm negative, mean, dramatic... and it hurts my feelings. She also says stuff like "talk your self out of it" she is like a giant fortune cookie sometimes...
My mom has been working on a divorce for 3 years. We want to move away but if my dad pays us 2,000 a month... he will lose the house. My mom said that it isn't fair to my grandma or sister. I hate it here so much, there is no way out. We are supposed to be adding on to the house, but that just hasn't/wont happen anytime soon. My mom just wants to wait and then get the house and make my dad live in the add-on. I don't want to wait, i want to get out. I wait for everything and it never happens.
Is there anything i can do to just... feel better? I hate everyone, i have no friends, i am overweight, i'm ugly, i don't have any confidence, and my counselor is annoying as hell. She always sides with my mom, who says i'm whiny. I think i need medication, if i don't feel better than i do now i think that i will
i don't remember a day where no one told me what a ***** up i am.
jessisalewis is my IM don't message my email
- ⓜⓔ ⓡⓒ ⓔⓓ ⓔⓢ☜Lv 510 years agoFavorite Answer
I read the whole thing. I'm sorry you feel that way and that your family treats you like that. I don't think you're whiny. Your counselor also sounds like an idiot. And, going by photos I have seen of you from some of your other questions, you are not ugly at all. Even though you're overweight (not even that badly), you carry it well and have a pretty face. Losing weight isn't that difficult when you learn enough about it and find motivation. I can help you with that, if you want, as I have been working on losing weight for years and finally feel confident and motivated enough to really try. You're already pretty now, but if you gain confidence and lose a healthy amount of weight, you will look awesome.
How do you use IM?
When I was twelve, even though I hadn't become obsessed with my face and body yet, I also had somewhat severe depression, though that lasted for nearly four years, on and off. My family had turned on me and made me feel horrible. My dad blamed me for everything, including the family becoming crappy, his depression, everyone being unhappy, and whatever else. My mom and brother turned on me after around the first year. My dad eventually starved himself for three days, saying he was going to commit suicide because of my brother and me (he had also turned on my brother at the end, even though he only blamed me for the majority of the time). My mom wasn't home but my brother phoned her and she phoned the police. The police came and took him to the hospital or something. After that, his medication was sorted out and he became much better. So I kind of understand how you feel, even though it sounds like your situation has been lasting even longer, and you never knew your family as being nice. That makes me sad. Unfortunately, even though it's really difficult right now, all you can do is try to improve yourself and wait. I remember literally wanting to be dead, because I was so depressed and my life had no happiness in it anymore. I also had no real friends, and people at school made fun of me and everything. It was a really shitty time in my life. My life started to become at least a bit better, though, and seemed at least slightly hopeful, when I started to change myself. It was really slow and didn't work at first, but I'm more into it now, even though I'm still not happy with my life. But I'm not depressed and feel hopeful about my future. I started to try to change my appearance for the better, I started working on my anxiety, got a counselor I like, and that sort of thing. For you, I would say you should start learning how to safely lose weight, since it bothers you a lot, and maybe do something like join an optimistic chatroom or something, for other young people struggling with life, and going through similar things. Don't look for ones where people just complain a lot, because that will only make you feel worse. And you can definitely talk to me, if you want to. I don't know how to make or use an IM thing yet, but I can find out how. I'm sorry I probably haven't been much help, but you can contact me if you want to talk.
Also, is your counselor from your school or out of school? Because if it's possible, I wouldn't definitely look for a different one. And if you can't find a different one, at least drop the one you have. You don't need some idiot who makes you feel worse. If (s)he is a school counselor, and there are other counselors at your school besides yours, you can go talk to the other ones, even if you're not assigned to them.
Good luck with everything.
*EDIT* I wouldn't try medication. It often tends to F things up even more.
I agree with the other people; try to find a hobby. Even going for walks every day can help. And if you have the chance to make a friend, try to take it, even if you don't want to. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but everything we do affects our lives and you never know what will completely change everything.
- MauraLv 44 years ago
You got yourself a keeper lol. Just stop talking to her. Like everything, just delete her messages on the internet, phone etc. Don't answer if she calls. It's worked for me before. She doesn't know anyone that'll hurt you dude. Just stay on your toes so she doesn't run you over or something. Or move to Russia, she won't find you there ;)
- RINALv 510 years ago
Awh, I don't even know what to say. It must be terrible, but honestly. You're 12. You have your whole life ahead of you, that'll make up for having a hard childhood. You're not a f-ck up. You're a smart girl, you're not a bad person. Based on your picture, you're not ugly at all either. Happiness brings confidence.
Honestly, Jessica.. You need to make yourself happy. I know, it's going to be hard, and I know not having much support from some people will make it even harder, but the only person who can control your feelings is YOU. Do you have a goal? Like is there something you want in the future, for example, like a job. Or to go to a university, like Oxford or something. Honestly, just make a goal for yourself. And spend your time trying to reach for it. I know that I sound like I'm saying something completely different than your problem, but having something else to worry about, and to keep on your mind it will make the other problems seem smaller. And when you DO reach your goal and get what you wanted, it will make yourself feel so much better.
Also, Jessica you're 12. You're not even in high school yet. I know that like you don't want any friends, but when you go in high school, you'll meet people who will truly care for you, and will be there for you at all times. It's only about one year until you'll be going there. Honestly, just be paitent. Things will work out. It always gets worse before it gets better ♥
- Anonymous9 years ago
You are SO ******* beautiful. Why can't you accept that? Please dear. Look, I read it. I'm very sorry you're going through this. Your mom and you need to find different family members to live with. Just leave your dad for now.Get a new counselor. I'm you're friend. I feel bad for you and I'm worried about you and I care about you. Spend as much time out of that house as possible. I don't know what to say. Remember, you can always IM me to talk. Or call me? I'll listen. You'll make it out of this beautiful. :)
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- 10 years ago
1) get a new counselor (try your school?)
2) be taken under foster care for the time being...if your mom gets that divorce then move in with her later...you need better living conditions
3) dont be afraid to drop councelors...you need help from somebody who has your best intrest at heart
4) maybe find relatives (perferably on your mothers side) to move in with.....if you don't then go back to foster care option
5) legal imancipation from parents? as in divorcing yourself from your parents....i'm not sure how this works but you can talk to a lawyer about it (make sure they take you seriously)
and you are NOT a **** up (especially since you're looking for advice on how to get out of your situation) the people in your family don't seem to care about you and therefor what they say about you doesn't matter at all
don't believe them
you are beautiful, no matter what they say..words can't bring you down : D
goodluck and best wishes
i hope things change for the better
- Anonymous10 years ago
I just want to hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay. :(
How about you take up a hobby? Thats what I did, I started guitar and now whenever I'm upset, I'll pick up the guitar and write a song, it gives me something to live for, tells me that I am actually quite good at something.
Also, try and call Childline at 0800 1111, it doesn't have to be that serious, but being able to talk to someone will really help. :)
Good luck in the future, and I hope everything will get better in time.
- 10 years ago
Life is sucks terribly. I've been in a similar place so many times before. I use to live with my biological father and his wife (both alcoholics). My brothers and two step sisters also lived with me. I would avoid going home every day. I'd stay at school until they told me i had to leave. I was exhausted and felt terrible inside. I still struggle with many of those emotions. I still have days I want to die. I eat less than the average teen and go through phases where I don't get out of bed. Life is really just unfair. Even after I left my home last december, I was extremely depressed and determined no one cared. I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse or sorry for me. I just want you to know that i can relate. I live with my adopted family, now. And struggle deeply with trusting them and I often feel of lesser value to them. They have their own biological son, who's 2 and still gets everything he wants. I get jealous of all the love that surrounds him. I wish that I could be loved like that. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith. for the longest time, I refused to believe in anything but a few months ago, I finally prayed. And it has gotten me through so much. Its hard, but it strengthens me to believe there's something so wonderful and loving. I dunno if it'll help you, but I'd love to talk if you wanna email me!
- AmariLv 510 years ago
that's a lot of sh!t for a 12 yr old to go through. u shud go to an adoption place or foster home. if u dont want to do tht, u shud just stick it out at home. ur mom shud rlly divorce ur dad whether or not he will lose the house cuz he is 1 f*ckd up person. im so sorry for u. judging from ur picture u r beautiful but i can see where ur lack of self confidence comes from.
- 10 years ago
would say some supportive rubbish like they always tell you, but frankly, that would make me hypocritical. Stick the counsellor, they don't have a clue. Find someone who's been through something similar and who CARES. Seriously, there will always be someone who cares, and if you find them, you won't want to hurt them by doing something stupid. I've been there, I still am, but I'm still here, if you get what I mean. Just. But you've just got to keep fighting, I can't say it gets any better, because I don't know if it does, and two years down the line I'm still taking it day-by-day, hour-by-hour. But I've found someone who cares, and I wish that they would just tell me to get lost, and they hadn't said that they'd be "gutted" if I was gone, but they have, and they make me promise to be alright. I can't break that promise. Those promises. I hate them for it, but as soon as we're talking again... it all makes sense. It's still tough, my god it's tough, but there'll always be that shread of hope for the future, however slim it seems. And if I can keep doing this, then so can you.Source(s): I'm 14 and depressed
- ♥ Emmy ♥Lv 410 years ago
ok, well i have a couple suggestions:
-listen to music. A LOT.
-get a hobby(i reccomend guitar-my life stunk at one point but guitar made me a much better person :) )
-talk to you family-sounds like u never did
-get a better counseler
-build a better relationship with ur mom bcuz she loves u the most
-smile-itll look good on ya :)
-wear clothes that make u feel good
-figure out a hairstyle
-go for a walk every night
-get a pet(my puppy changed my life in the most amazing way)
-be confident-always look forward to the day that things will change