Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Not attracted to cheating husband...?

My husband cheated on me several times, once while we were dating, and I recently found out that he did while I was pregnant too. (He travels a lot for work and slept with some hotel concierge twice while I was 5-6 months pregnant. He is as remorseful as he could be, and swears up and down that he has changed. Since the birth of our daughter he really is a different guy- very committed, loving, would do anything for she and myself. I have no doubts that he hasn't cheated since and has been fully transparent about everything since then.

I have decided to make the relationship work, mostly for our daughter's sake, and am doing everything in my power to make our lives happy and fulfilled. I also have been taking really good care of myself, and am in even better shape than I was pre-baby. Its helped with my confidence a lot.

The problem is, I am no longer attracted to my husband. He is really attracted to me, because he knows that I have sacrificed a lot of happiness to him and I do everything for him and my daughter. I don't want to end our relationship but having sex with him leaves me cold. I have no passion for him anymore, and the thought of living the rest of my life with a man I secretly can't stand touching terrifies me...

I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone else stayed with a cheating spouse and felt the same way? Did it eventually pass? My husband is an attractive enough guy, and he really does so much for us, I feel guilty for being so repulsed by him. Thanks for any answers.

Update:

@Sheniquah Redux thanks for the grammar correction! You are right- too long since I was in school lol :)

Update 2:

@Sheniquah Redux thanks for the grammar correction! You are right- too long since I was in school lol :)

Update 3:

I'm definitely between a rock and a hard place though- financially that is. I can't find work in my field so I've been doing the SAHM thing and if I leave I've got nowhere to go and no money with which to do it.

I really do want to make this work- he's a great dad and a good partner. I just wish I didn't even know about the cheating in some ways...

Update 4:

Thanks. I actually have spoken to him about this and he knows how I feel. He's hurt by it too, but owns that this is all his fault and is willing to do what it takes to make thing right. He's willing to go to counseling etc and know how much he has screwed up. But I feel like such a whiner to just keep going on about this, and I don't know how counseling will help if I keep dwelling on the issue. What I'd like most is to figure out how to move past this...

Update 5:

Thanks for all of this. I really and truly appreciate every single answer, and for anyone taking the time out to give me advice. Yes, it is insulting for me because, yes, if I did have the financial means I would have left. And at one point in time I did have a great job, financial means etc. I feel like I live in the 1950's- I literally have no one to help and no family to turn to (my parents would hold it over my head forever if I turned to them to help, and their dynamic is so dysfunctional my daughter and I are truly better off where we are right now). Not sure how to get out of this hole I've dug for myself... and I appreciate advice from those of you who have been there. I guess divorce seems inevitable but I'm trying so hard to hold it all together.

Update 6:

@teenie -YES!! I do feel exactly that way, except that I can't stand him touching me. At first I was going out of my way to look good for him, makeup, clothing etc but now I don't care as much. I've been working out like crazy though, when my daughter sleeps, trying to keep my mind off of everything. But I guess I'm not working out for him, more for myself at this point. Did you leave teenie? Or did you stay?

Update 7:

@annmarie- thanks, it helps to know I'm not alone. Its definitely a different story when you have a child. If we didn't I wouldn't be with him, definitely,

@sue c.- thanks so much for this too. Other than the cheating our relationship works on many levels, and maybe I do need the serenity to accept that I can't change things *right now*. And the wisdom to know that that is ok. I appreciate your comment and experience, and thank you for the timeless quote- it helps me.

Update 8:

@shineon- thank you very much for your kind and thorough advice. it helps me a lot too and I appreciate it.

Update 9:

@teenie- I'm so sorry... I really am. I just don't understand how men can be so callous with our hearts when we give them everything. I'm glad you have moved past it and are still together despite what has happened. You are one tough lady and I really look up to you. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle- not sure how true that is but you are a wonder. I can only pray for a bit of the strength you have. Thank you so much for telling us your story. Many blessings to you.

25 Answers

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  • Teenie
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I've been where you are and everything your feeling is normal so stop beating yourself up you did nothing wrong. You have every right to feel as you do towards your husband after all he did cheat on you didn't he?Do you find yourself going out of your way to look good for your husband. I know I did because in my mind I wanted him to know what he could lose if he ever did it again. My problem was I couldn't get enough of him sexually that is but afterwards I hated him. When ever he said he loved me I would be saying in my head ( Sure you do that's why you went out and fu(ked another woman you loved me so much) I felt so much angry at times I couldn't control. I threw things at him and smacked him across his face twice. I to said I wish I would have never found out about his cheating. Any woman who says they would rather know obviously has never been cheated on after all who in their right mind would every want to be put through so much pain and heartache. My husband had a full blown affair with a co-worker for over 3 years. I would think about it 24/7 I read book after book on the subject of infidelity. I had so many questions running through my head as to WHY! It took 7 long hard years to stop dwelling on it everyday. I still think about it every now and again but at least when I do the pain has stopped. It's been 12 years sense all that has happened and I did get through it just like you can but only if you truly deep down love him with all your heart. Sure your angry with him right now but that will past in time. Just don't confuse the angry and contempt you have as a loss of love. Your love you have for him has been pushed so far down within yourself but it's there somewhere. It's up to you whether or not you want to dig it out. I have never forgiven my husband nor will I ever and he knows this but that doesn't mean I don't love him because I do with all my heart. I know that sounds like I'm contradicting myself but you can still love someone and not get past forgive them. In my book to forgive means you have come to terms with what they did and your ok with it. You do not have to forgive in order to move past it. Most women who say they forgive deep down really don't because they forgive to fast they don't give themselves time to heal. If you do not accept what your husband has done then do not forgive him. Some men do learn their lesson the first time around lets hope your husband is one of them. What my husband did was no mistake a mistake is something you did not mean to do and you correct it. What my husband did was cold,calculated,deliberate and well planned out.

    This is what my husband did to me we been married 16 years it was good we never fought and I thought we were both happy our son was 14 at the time. He started having drinks with some people he worked with I knew them all so I didn't have a problem with it. Some of them were girls but they all were married and all were fat and nothing to look at. About a year later he started acting mean towards me twisting all my words and starting arguments. One day I had enough and demanded to know what was going on with him. He said he had been thinking about moving out for some time. I ask if he was seeing someone and of course he said no. 6 months later he got his own apartment not far from our house our son was now15 he started having problems in school acting out and bad grades. My husband continued to pay all the bill buy the food. I was never taken off the bank account so I still had access to all his money. We still kept in constant contact and we even stayed over night with each other at my house then his apartment. We never stopped having sex so I just couldn't understand why he moved out. I would pop over his apartment without warning to see if he was up to something but he never was at least I never saw anything. He kept saying he wasn't cheating on me. This went on for 2 1/2 years and he finally moved back home after our son graurated high school. For two days we were so happy and in love all we wanted to do was stay in the bedroom it was great. I was still putting away some of his clothes when I saw a card stuffed in between his shorts on the front of the card it said "I miss you" as soon as I saw that my heart dropped. Yep it was from a female co-worker it said I can't wait until we can walk down the street hand in hand where everyone can see that we are together. I then found a pair of thongs on the inside of a shirt and a CD with nothing but love songs. Two receipts for the very same diamond heart shaped necklace one for me and one for her for valentines day. From that that point on I have never looked up to him the way I use to I lost all respect for him. He broke my heart and I did nothing to deserve that from him.

  • 1 decade ago

    Wow, 1st of all, I am very sorry. Well, do NOT feel guilty for being repulsed, because this is someone who not only cheated, but chose to do so at the worst time ever....when you were expecting HIS child. I'm repulsed by him and I don't even know him. I'm sorry...I know he is a great dad and yeah...he may have changed, but the thing about affairs is that you can't just apologize and expect to be back where you started. It takes time to rebuild trust if it can be rebuilt at all. Everyone is different. Some people are able to move past it, while others draw up the divorce papers the next day. So, the fact that you are trying to figure out how to be attracted to him again is completely understandable under the circumstances. I don't know how long it has been since the affairs, but give it plenty of time for a lot of the old feelings to start returning. By a lot of time, I mean it would probably be months...and do not feel guilty for it, because he is the one who had the affair and there are consequences for everything that happens, and so he has to live with the fact that you are repulsed at this time, and he needs to realize that is what happens when you have an affair...people are forever changed, and there is no turning back once it is done.

    I think some of the reason you feel guilty is because he is acting so wonderful right now, and you just want the feelings to return. You keep wanting to reciprocate, but you can't because you are not ready, and that's okay. It sounds like you really want this to work out, so I am hoping that the feelings do come back, just give yourself plenty of time. Good luck to you!

    EDIT: you are welcome VM! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have never seen anyone on yahoo answers go through and thank the answerers like you have. You must be a kind soul. Hold your chin up, and continue to do what you feel is right, and don't feel guilty for "feelings", especially when they are quite justified. Good luck.

  • 6 years ago

    I am going through the same thing. My husband got a promotion that put him working out of town mon-fri and home on weekends. We have been together 13 years married 8 and have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. I found out about his affair with a 23 year old waffle house waitress (my younger sister is 25). He said how sorry he was and give him another chance after our two week separation. I did. I forgave and jumped right back into our marriage. Guess what? the next month when I got my phone bill it has detailed billing....he never ended it and the texts/phone calls became more frequent. Found out they were sexting, found a pic of them together in his email. I felt so stupid. He now has really ended it with her and wants another chance. He truly feels sorry or says he does, he crys, etc. The thing is I keep catching him in little lies. I am no longer physically attracted to him anymore and have told him so. I owe a lot of money on medical bills and cannot afford to leave. I still love him. I always will. He was my first and only sexual partner, my husband and father of my child. But can I ever get over being repulsed by him wanting sex or trust him again? I don't know. I'm going through hell right now.

  • Sue C
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I agree with the one post in that unfortunately you are not going to forget about the cheating. As time goes by, it will get further back in your mind, but it will always be there nonetheless. I too had an ex who cheated on me countless times, I kept hanging in with hopes it would change but it didn't. Ours was also n alcohol problem too, so I tho't IF he got sober things would change, WRONG! Nothing changed so after hanging in for 12 long yrs. I finally accepted that fact & refused to take him back the last time he left me, So mine was a bit different from yours. IF you only was able to put the past in the past & leave it there. Unfortunate too that you would not be able to make it on your own, not even with the child support you'd be getting for one child. You ARE between one big rock& a hard place to say the least! At least he has been treating you better, so that's one plus for you. You really don't know tho as sometimes things do work when we don't feel it's possible. You stated you're still going to "make it work? Since at the moment you truly hae no choice & you don't, why don't you just let time see if just maye it will work for you. Really DO give it a good as you certainly can't do other than that rite now anyway,I feel it's strictly the cheating that's the problem. Even I was going to be able to arise above that had "other things" changed, unfortunately they didn't. As I learned in Alanon many yrs. ago, "God grant me the serenity to change the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,"...I DO wish you all the best...:)

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  • 1 decade ago

    I was with someone for two years before I decided I couldn't take it. He confessed at the last minute, I told him to or else I would leave. Still, I knew deep down I couldn't forgive him. I felt like I tried, but I just lost respect for him. This taught me that looks has zero to do with attraction when it comes to love, and getting your heart stomped on. I honestly didn't enjoy seeing him so hurt, though he hurt me so much over the two years. Wasted time I say.

    Kids make things more challenging. It becomes more of a selfless act. That's why parents choose to sleep in different rooms, the choice of staying in the same house and trying to keep the family together. Everyone knows that divorce is extremely painful for kids, that's why so many of us try and try to make it work. Last resort, divorce, when things just get to be too much and your sanity is on the line.

    I have to say that having children, you make exceptions. I may not have left if I had a child, but I'm not positive. You are in a tough position, and I hope you have lots of strength to get through it. If only we were heartless beings. Then, maybe forgetting the unforgivable would be more simple so that we may carry on a normal life for our children.

    *yes, I too tried to look my best, it always worked too. doesn't matter, cheaters cheat with women that would make you look like Miss America. Do what you can to reap all the benefits of being at home with your child. Start working on a career choice and get the experience and education you need to support yourself. Just in case one day you can't do it anymore, you have something to fall back on.

  • 1 decade ago

    If you had the financial ability to go, would you leave him? If the answer is yes, then that's why you feel so repulsed by him. Every time you have sex with him, it's just so you can still have a place to live. It's demeaning.

    Without money to live elsewhere, what can you do? If you can't leave, then take care of yourself as best as you can. Instead of focusing on this man you hate and what he wants from you, if you can put the focus back on taking care of yourself, you'll be a lot better off emotionally.

  • 5 years ago

    here are numerous reasons why a once committed relationship would degenerate to one partner asking for a divorce. how to save your marriage https://tr.im/LbHSM

    It could have been:

    - an affair

    - having been separated by a long distance for lengths of time

    - conflict

    - behavioral issues or psychological problems of one spouse

    - even unmanaged addictions.

    Whatever of these problems may be what is seen on the surface, the bottom line is that usually, barring any abuse or psychological problems that are best handled by a professional, a couple find themselves in danger of divorce when there is a loss of:

    - communication,

    - love

    - and intimacy

    in the marital relationship.

  • Well, this is a tough one. But, here is how I can break it down for you. I have never been cheated on. I am a married woman, and I love my husband. However, cheating is really low. I commend you for not wanting to kill your husband after finding out about all his indiscretions (especially while you were pregnant which is so low down grrr). You stated that you don't want your relationship to end and that is normal. You have been with him though a lot and have forgiven him. You have a bond and child. The main thing is that your child does not see the effects of his cheating on you displayed publicly. As long as this problem is hidden from her, the next main concern should be how your husband has to win your heart again. I have gone through something similar before, but the key point is that women mostly need to be romanced again to rejuvenate the love feeling again.

    You need to be honest with your husband about how you feel about him. Tell him your not attracted to him anymore because of everything and tell him how you feel about having sex with him. Then, stop having sex with him. If he really loves you, then he won't cheat again and wait for you to be ready. This should effect him a great deal. I read, that you have talked to him in the edit area, but i think you need to stress that until he can completely erase what he did from your mind, then it will never go away. It is going to be hard.

    Honey, listen..don't feel like you are dwelling too much about this. It really bothers you and that is normal. You are just going to need more time. I have a similar situation with my husband who did something with a married woman years ago (before we even met) that I still think about and it bothers me. In fact, it bothered me so much that I didn't want to even date my husband because I continued to think about him sleeping with a married woman when he was young and drunk. However, even though I didn't know my husband at the time he did his bad behavior with this woman, he still had to ask me if I would forgive him for the acts he did years ago before I would even consider marrying him. My husband was the same way completely full of the deepest regrets (and he really didn't have to be but he really loves me over some low class cheating woman). So, ask yourself..do you really forgive him if you keep thinking of what he did? I think once you realize that you do, then he may have a chance at winning your heart again and you will become attracted to him like before.

    I

    Source(s): Married Woman
  • 1 decade ago

    You can try counseling but his ability to be faithful at this moment does not ensure that he will be faithful in the future. It seems to me you are with him due to codependency and fear. My ex husband cheated on me more than once as well. I was repulsed by him too. I suspect that part of it is that you feel like you are forced to have to have sex with and please him in order for him to stick around, but you are resentful and don't want to. I bet it no longer feels like it is your choice. It is an awful way to live. Get into some counseling. You will feel better whatever choice you make if you have someone to discuss it with since clearly this is not something you want to be open with your husband about.

    Source(s): You cannot "move past it" until you find out the real issue. Did your attraction to him end right after you found out he cheated? Where you incredibly attracted to him before that? Be clear with yourself as to the reason or it cannot be fixed.
  • 6 years ago

    I AM DEALING WITH THIS AND ITS THE HARDEST THING EVER. I MET MY MAN WHEN HE WAS 18 AND I WAS 32 WE BEGAN DATING AND FELL IN LOVE AND HAD A SON AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 12 YEARS AND FOR ALMOST ALL 12 HE HAS BEEN A CHEATER AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. WE RECENTLY FOUND A WONDERFUL HOME THAT I WAS EXTREMELY HAPPY IN BEAUTIFUL YARD I HAD MY DOGS IT WAS PERFECT EXCEPT I COULD NOT GET HIM TO HELP WITH THE BILLS ALL HE DID WAS SIT IN THE GARAGE DAY AND NIGHT , I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM. WELL WE LOST THE HOUSE AND I ENDED UP IN JAIL AND WHEN I GOT OUT I WAS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A FEMALE I HATED AND SHE SAID SHE WAS PREGNANT. SHE SENT ME TEXT AFTER TEXT CLAIMING THAT THEIR LOVE AFFAIR WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND THAT I TAUGHT HIM WELL AS A LOVER AND ALL THIS JUST KEPT COMING AND MAKING ME WANT TO PUKE. HE DENIED IT OF COURSE UNTIL HE NO LONGER COULD THE WRITING WAS ON THE WALL AND ALL HIS ANTICS AT THE HOUSE STARTED TO BECOME CLEAR AND ALOT OF THINGS I WONDERED ABOUT GOT ANSWERED. HE CLAIMS TO BE VERY SORRY AND THAT HE NOW KNOWS HE LOVES ME AND REGRETS ALL OF IT, BLAMES HER MOSTLY SAYING THAT SHE TRICKED HIM INTO SITUATIONS AND THAT THEY NEVER REALLY HAD SEX BECAUSE HE HAS A PROBLEM REACHING ORGASM WHICH IS TRUE, BUT THAT REALLY ONLY MAKES ME ANGRIER. WE HAVE DECIDED TO TRY AND WORK IT OUT MOSTLY FOR OUR SON, HE LOVES HIS FATHER AND DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE APART FROM HIM AND I STILL LOVE HIM DEARLY BUT I AM ANGRY STILL AND THERE IS NO TRUST WHATSOEVER AND I DONT FEEL LIKE BEING INTIMATE WITH HIM AND AM STARTING TO WONDER IF THERE IS SOME THING WRONG WITH ME. I ALMOST FEEL GROSS WHEN HE TRIES TO TOUCH ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.ANY SUGGESTIONS?

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    He's a lousy father. He didn't think about his daughter when he was cheating on you. Nor did he think of you either. Divorce him and take him to the cleaners. He should be the one feeling guilty for screwing everything up.

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