Jessy
Lv 5
Jessy asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Is this writing okay? How can i spice it up a bit?

(I apologize that you don't really know what's going on or who the characters are...this is in the middle of my book!)

Clara giggled and continued, "Well now that that's out of the way, there are so many things I need to show you. It's not every day that teams get a new member. In fact, I dont think its ever even happened! You're more of special cercumstance. In the good way of course! Anyway, I'll start off with the basics. Where you sleep, where the water and food and stuff is, the daily schedual, and, you know, the other essentials. Oh and I'll assign you a job."

She took my arm and led me through the camp. When the rest of the team just stayed where they were, staring at us, Clara turned to them and said, "Well, dont just stand there, guys! We have so much to do! You'll all get to talk to Lena later, don't worry." A few of them said things like, "Oh okay." A few of the boys made playful faces at her but they all scattered off around the camp.

Clara and I were standing in between two huts made of logs and wood. They weren't very long, but they looked to be almost two stories. There were no roofs, just large canvas tarps nailed across the top. On top of the canvases was a thick layer of leaves. Both of the little cabins stood facing each other at the edges of the cleared part of the camp.

She pointed to the cabin on the right and explained, "This is the girl's cabin. It might be a little bit tight now, but we'll make sure there's enough room for you. I'm pretty sure we have an extra hammock for you in storage, but if we need to, making you one won't take ong at all. Especially since this year we have Sarah. She's of the best seamstresses in the village! She can have your hammock done by sundown if we need it. We'll go inside later when your bed is there. The left cabin is of course for the boys."

Thanks soo much for reading :) If you would tell me what you thought of this(if you thought it was too boring) and what you thought my writing. Any CONSTRUCTIVE comments are greatly accepted :)

Update:

I'm happy if you have any suggestions that concern spelling and punctuation, but I would really like it if you could focus on the content and writing style of my story :) Thankss!!

Update 2:

Oh btw...this is probably some of the worst writing i've done in a while haha so that's why I'm asking for helpp

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Here is my revised edition. I apologize if she's not acting as you want her to, but I hope I get my point across - you need more of 'what's happening' in your story. You seem like you're trying to skip the 'boring' parts like walking across the camp, when really you need that transition in your story. Body language is pretty big, too - it really helps characters come alive.

    ---

    Clara giggled and continued, "Well, now that that's out of the way, there are so many things I need to show you. It's not every day that teams get a new member. In fact, I don't think that's ever happened! You're more of special circumstance. In the good way, of course! Anyway, I'll start off with the basics." She started ticking off a list on her fingers. "You know, where you sleep, where the water and food and stuff is, the daily schedule, and, well the other essentials." She grinned. "Oh, and I'll assign you a job!"

    She took my arm and led me through the camp. When the rest of the team just stood there, staring at us, Clara turned to them and said, "Well, don't just stand there, guys! We have so much to do! You'll all get to talk to Lena later, don't worry." A few of them said things like, "Oh, okay," and walked off. A few of the boys stuck out their tongues and laughed, but at a sharp look from Clara, scattered like roaches.

    Clara and I were standing in between two huts made of logs and wood. They weren't very long, but they looked to be almost two stories. There were no roofs, just large canvas tarps nailed across the top. On top of the canvases was a thick layer of leaves. Both of the little cabins stood facing each other at the edges of the cleared part of the camp.

    She pointed to the cabin on the right and explained, "This is the girl's cabin. It might be a little bit tight now, but we'll make sure there's enough room for you. I'm pretty sure we have an extra hammock for you in storage, but if we need to, making you one won't take long at all." Her grin returned. "Especially since this year, we have Sarah. She's one of the best seamstresses in the village! She can have your hammock done by sundown if we need it. We'll go inside later when your bed is there." Then, almost as an afterthought: "Oh, right, the left cabin is for the boys."

    ---

    I probably missed a lot of things, but you basically just need to be careful not to fall into the typical story of 'ordinary girl in extraordinary situation is liked by almost everyone because she's special and is not really an ordinary girl but has a secret awesomeness just waiting to be unleashed', or something like that. That sort of thing is getting old.

    Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and punctuation errors need to be taken care of in the EDITING stage, so don't worry too much about it now. I'm only mentioning this because my need to fix things is practically an OCD.

    It wasn't boring, but it wasn't exactly outstanding, either. It seemed like a run-of-the-mill book (no offense meant by any means). But seeing as this is the middle of your book, I'm not really one to judge its uniqueness.

    That's all I can think of at the moment. Good luck writing!

    Edit: To continue spicing it up, give quick, vague descriptions of the boys - how old they appear to be (you wouldn't say " a group of sixteen-year-olds", but you would say "a group of older guys" or "a group of younger boys". Describe the setting more - is it sunny, cloudy, or raining? How sunny - glaringly bright, hellishly hot, or weak and dim behind a passing cloud? How does this affect the way the tarp and leaves on the cabins look - is the tarp white and blinding in the sunlight, with the golden light glowing on the leaves like melted butter? Does the air smell like spring, feel as fresh as peppermint, and push against the girls' hair as though it wanted to whisk away their silky locks?

    I love descriptions.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    There are quite a lot of spelling and punctuation errors there, and I feel you could be a little more economic with your vocabulary, as the description seemed very dry. Other than that though, you told the story well. My advice would be to make a habit of writing every day, perhaps join a few writing sites to increase your talent (my suggestion would be http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/), they have a forum on there where they address everything about your writing, and there are people there to review and give you serious crit.

    Goodluck with this by the way

  • 4 years ago

    consistent with probability i'm previous shaped yet i do no longer basically like the belief of applying what you call as ( unsuitable writing ) . one extra word to u is : it could be better in case you create a scene wherein the baby observes his father getting indignant and applying foul language incredibly of only declaring that his father has been doing that. The readers will easily end that this scene springs from a each and every day habitual of enjoyed ones violence in case you do it precise.

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm glad you want constructive criticism because I suggest you get a spell checker on your computer. Sorry, couldn't get past the fourth line because of all the mistakes. When it is re-written correctly I'll be able to understand and read your work better, and I shall look forward to it.

    Source(s): 7 books published.
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's a good story from what I've read, but you neeed to work on your spelling.

    Hope this helped!

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