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Please Read, Writing A Story?

The protagonist, Gracelynn Daniels, has just moved to LA from Scotland and meets the guy from next door called Zeph. Later on she finds out he is a fallen angel. He fell cause he loved a mortal girl, Delilah, and made him kill a Siren (Gracelynn in a past life) as if you love someone you'll do anything for them. Delilah wanted to own the most beautiful voice and looks in the world . Zeph realised he loved the Siren more when he grew closer in order to kill her, but ultamitly had to kill the Siren as Delilah would tell everyone his secret. Now in modern times, Zeph finds this is his chance to capture his and the Siren's love again, now as Gracelynn. Sadly Delilah, now a high ranking deamon is back to earth in order to repeate history, hopefully succeding!

This is going to be aimed for mainly felmale teens, does my writing match my target?

Below I'm going to leave a small passage, please constructive critisism is apriciated, nasty comments are not! I'm only 15, be nice!

Gracelynn stole her last few breaths of Scottish air which she would be swapping for the smoggy, humid atmosphere of Los Angeles.

She didn’t want to leave, in fact just the thought of losing all she ever had and knew made butterflies in her stomach turn to roaring tigers. Gracelynn walked with reluctance onto the plane that would take her to ‘the land of dreams’. Almost immediately after Gracelynn had placed her feet onto the metal bird, the perfectly primed air hostess, who had seconds earlier greeted her onto the plane, slammed shut the door.

Gracelynn swivelled to turn to look out the door, to take her last glance of her homeland, but the airhostess whose nametag read Mallory, obstructed her view out the small porthole.

‘Can I help you honey?’ Mallory questioned in a distinctive and strong southern accent.

‘Nope it’s alright...’ Gracelynn glanced again at the name tag to confirm her name. ‘Mallory, or honey, whatever you prefer.’ Mallory appeared to be baffled by Gracelynn’s reaction. She tried to be as polite as possible, but that wasn’t a likely word you would use to describe it. That was the voice she would have to hear for years to come, maybe even from herself.

Why couldn’t I just stay in Aberdeen? Gracelynn thought to herself.

Gracelynn’s mum, Diana, who was already half way down the plane, called after her to take her seat. Gracelynn was nothing like her mum. Diana had thick hair that took on the colour of honey, eyes like rich hazelnuts and killer size eight figure. In comparison, Gracelynn was a petite five-foot-five inches and looked like a fairy next to Diana, her hair was almost ebony and curled like a helter-skelter and the greenest eyes that shone like dewy moss on a spring morning

The mother and daughter duo sat down- seats three and four row twelve- bucked the seatbelts together and adjusted the straps. This was the first time that Gracelynn had the chance to really think about the situation, it was actually time. The emotions were getting closer and closer to her. She scrunched herself into a ball and in a desperate attempt to conceal her emotions from Diana, turned away to the direction of the tiny window, her only escape. Suddenly she felt trickles, drip, drip, drip, down onto her rusted red jumper.

‘Gracie, I know this is a good thing for us, a new start, it’s time to move on. Forget everything about Dad.’ Diana did her best to console Gracelynn but she truly new nothing would work.

‘My name isn’t “Gracie”, it’s Gracelynn.’ The reality was she wanted to say so much more, let the world understand. She knew completely well that it wasn’t a ‘good’ thing, running away wasn’t the answer.

She didn’t want to forget her Dad. Gracelynn and her dad were a perfect match, an unrequited bond that joined them. But he had problems. He committed suicide four months previous; he had some mental illness Gracelynn could never remember.

The plane journey seemed to last for hours on end and so did the awkward silences. For most of it Gracelynn slept, but she watched a couple of films too when her mind was to blocked with the truth.

Diana was another matter. She was eyeing up one of the cabin crew in his smart, royal blue uniform. When the seatbelt sign was switched off Diana seemed to follow him into the compact toilets, far from classy. Gracelynn was perfectly aware what she was doing. It was no secret that she was part of the ‘mile high club’. She always told Gracelynn that being with lots men was her way of coping with the loss of her dad. Constant giggling and moaning was audible from it for a good forty-five minutes.

‘Sore stomach mum?’ Gracelynn sarcasm was obvious but Diana continued obliviously.

‘You could call it that, but god it’s good to get rid of it.’ While speaking Diana gave a sultry, come to bed look to the cabin crew member.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Los Angeles, the local time is ten pm. We do hope you have had a comfortable flight.’

4 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I *love* the premise (although I'm not anywhere near your target audiance, howver I do like YA novels as light reading, so I guess I count). I only skim-read your writing. It looks like it needs a little polish (but you're 15, so that's ok!) Keep at it.

    Writers Digest has a number of great articles that you might enjoy; not all of the advice is good advice (or the right advice for every writer), but it's good to hear what others are saying about writing and how to write a better novel.

    http://writersdigest.com/GeneralMenu/

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  • 10 years ago

    An air hostess would get fired for calling a passenger honey, and five foot five is not petite. Petite means short, not slim. I do like the premise of the story, which is the main thing you're looking for.

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  • 10 years ago

    The storyline sounds like a film I watched ages ago... And I believe the main character was called Zeph too? I don't remember. I was so young.

    -- KawaiiGirl --

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  • 10 years ago

    the immortals book one.

    damen is immortal, and another immortal loves him and is obsessed with him. he falls in love with a human girl and the immortal girl kills the human which is repeated again and again through out history. finally human and immortal meet again and blah blah

    but it's a good strong and classical idea for a story. i'm only fifteen too and i'm constantly writing stories. i'm insane!

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