My Wife Hits Me and Takes Our Child Away From Me?

My wife have been married 2 years, and have been together 6 total. We have a daughter who is 17 months old, and she is currently 7 weeks pregnant.

When my wife and I get into serious arguments, she will hit me. The most recent time, our argument got very heated, she called me a "bastard" I responded by calling her the "b" word, and she proceded to hit me.

I did not hit back but took measures to protect myself by grabbing her wrists and moving her arms away from me. For hitting me I called her a very terrible name (she knows that I will not hit her back and that hitting me in the face sets me off, which is why she does this). After calling her this she proceded to hit me some more, and later took our daughter next door to her parents house (I personally have no problems with her parents, and our relationship is very good).

Now, my wife will only come home for an hour or so a day when I complain and bring my daughter. She has told me that she will not let me see my daughter without her being around. She has constantly told me that I verbally abuse her by calling her a "b" (I only do so when she starts calling me names and telling me things that she knows will upset me) and that I am a man and should be able to deal with her hitting me. She has told me that her hitting me is not a big deal because she have never left bruises (I have taken pictures of my face being slightly red and swolen, but not to a great extent), and that I would be in more trouble because in grabbing her wrists to keep her from hitting me I have left bruises on her.

I feel at a serious disadvantage because not only do her parents live next door, three of her siblings live on the same street as well. I know that the things I say are what causes her to hit me, and while I know that doesn't justify her violence, I feel that in front of a judge I will be told that I am baiting her into doing this. I would like to call the cops when she hits me, but with so much of her family living next door, I will be ganged up on once they see the police and come over to see what's going on.

My daughter is the most important thing to me. I am not afraid right now that she will hurt our daughter (she is a good mother, and doesn't believe in spanking, but that could change). I have mentioned in the past that if we were to ever split up I would like 50% custody for the two of us as I grew up without a father and don't want my daughter to be without either parent. My wife has told me that she would not allow this because she wouldn't want to miss half of our daughter's life (and so I would have to miss 80% of it).

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have a stable job that, while it does not pay well, it pays my bills and allows me to support my daughter. My wife and I are both college educated, but she currently stays at home to take care of our daughter and study for the Medical School Entrance Exams.

Update:

My wife has been like this long before we were married and she was pregnant. She doesn't simply slap, she uses closed fists and directs chest level up to the face.

I am not trying to justify my behavior, but I used to bite my tongue and let her call me names and tell me horrible things.

These days I've given up just taking it, and I'm starting to feel it is a sign that our marriage is through.

She told me recently that she will let me see my daughter as I want to when I decide that I am "ready to have a family".

To her this means that I have to make nice and beg for forgiveness so that we can go back to normal before I can start to see my daughter unsupervised again.

10 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Why battered men don't leave or remain silent.

    Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me? It's a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she'll tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public. I'm ashamed I'm not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it's men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].

    Self-Worth: I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I'll ever be able to get.

    Denial: It's not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. [That's what TV star Phil Hartman said just before his wife murdered him then killed herself.] I can weather this one, just like I did the others.

    Reluctance to Give Up the Good: If people got to know her, they'd see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She's like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I'd be lost without a relationship with her. I'd be lost without a relationship.

    Inertia: It's too hard to do anything. I'm not ready for that much change in my life. I'll do it tomorrow, or later, when I'm not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I'm used to life the way it is now.

    The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he'll never be able to come back. In today's climate, there's a good chance she'll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.

    This is a common theme in many battered men's personal stories. If you need to come up with a safety plan and plan out a way for you and the kids to leave the abusive relationship, you also need a "dose of reality" about what some of the risks and problems are. They aren't insurmountable problems, and many men have overcome them, but they can be difficult ones.

    Fear of having a 911 call turned around: If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he's been assaulted or that he needs police help.

    " Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control.

    Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault. Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with. " - Murray A. Straus - Family Violence Researcher

    Source(s): http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page4.htm A great web site that has a complete directory for battered men as well. You can also check out http://www.dadsdivorce.com/ or post your legal questions there.
  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Let her hit you and then have her *** arrested. She will never touch you again after that. She has absolutely no right to EVER put her hands on you in that manner.

    Do it while your child is still young enough to not know and the other one isn't born. There is no 'baiting' someone into hitting you. No such thing. She can't control her temper and if you let her get away with hitting YOU she may hit your children.

    Weather you believe it or NOT, hitting is abuse. Even if she is smaller and weaker than you. It doesn't make you less of a man. It makes you more of a man that you don't hit her *** back.

  • ???
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    Get her the book Love Without Hurt and ask her to go through the Bootcamp with you as a couple, as you clearly are both verbally or physically abusive, and you both need to take responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming them on the other person. She doesn't make you call her names, just like you don't make her hit you. That's the way you choose to react in the moment because it feels satisfying in that moment, but you're educated, intelligent adults with the ability to act differently.

  • 10 years ago

    I would say that the relationship doesn't sound healthy for the two of you or your children. Being apart may be the best for you two; however you should be able to see your daughter and if she denies you the rights you should take it up legally. That's not fair to you or your daughter. Some women are so retarded in that area. I mean their child's father WANTS to be apart of the child's life and they say no because of their problems with the father. I'll never understand. My sons father is deceased and I wish he was here to be apart of his life. These women just don't know how good they have it.

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  • 10 years ago

    talking about the split was a terrible thing to do, i don't know why she is still holding on to you.

    even if your wife got angry you shouldn't make it worse by swearing at your pregnant wife. pregnancy is a lot of stress and changes you a lot, imagine it if you had all those physical changes going on, it is one of the most difficult physical and emotional changes to try and deal with. it effects your health a lot.

    you should let her calm down, and also calm down your self.

    *after that you should tell her that you love her and never want to hurt her.

    and tell her about what might be difficult for you right now but things will get better because you both will work on them.

    remember, you can head for divorce like many of those numbers.

    no one is going to help you in your relationship or any relationship that you have, unless you take care of yourselves.

    you should never think about or talk about a spilt, you should be thinking about wanting to stay together forvever instead. i am right here.

    hopefully you both start to enjoy your selves in this good weather instead, be relaxed, and have some fun. hopefully you both will see a bright future instead.

    i got married and i was very afraid to love my husband and i realised i was hurting him too.

    but i can't bare to be with out him hopefully we will be happy together forever and grow old together... (: hmmmm...

  • jackz
    Lv 4
    10 years ago

    First thing is that you both need to grow up. second thing is to contact you wife's health visitor & express you concerns that she may be suffering postnatal depression. Thirdly if you want to save your marriage you both need to go for marriage counselling urgently as your children are being brought up in a volatile environment that is far from healthy mentally & physically if the marriage cant be saved then consult a solicitor & find out what your rights are especially as regards the children but for the sake of you child & your unborn child i hope you will get help soon. Also remember that anger fuels anger if you respond by being verbally abusive then you will only make things worse better to walk way from the situation.

  • 10 years ago

    Stop calling your wife ugly names. Women are conditioned, for good or ill,to slap a man who is fresh or very disrespectful. She is not being abusive in the sense of striking you because you didn't. Perform to her satisfaction or didn't do things her way; she's slap pin you because you have been horribly demeaning to her.

    Now why are you calling her abusive, demeaning names when you aren't getting your way. What is it, beside childish revenge or thrilling relase of anger, are you getting form that? How is that working out for you? You both could stand some lessons in settling conflicts in a sensible fashion.

  • 10 years ago

    Domestic violence is a crime. If you want to be generous, inform her that the next time she hits you, you won't say another word to her, you'll just call the police immediately. If you don't want to be generous, call the police now and report what she did. Criminals belong in jail.

  • 10 years ago

    it doesnt matter what you call her, she has absolutely no excuse for hitting you. call the police. dont worry about the bruises on her wrist, it was purely self-defense. You dont want your children growing up with a violent mom, so do something about it

  • 10 years ago

    better you get rid of that ghost

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