Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 10 years ago

Readers/Writers: I could really use your opinion on this?

"What the hell are you doing?" I exclaimed as I witnessed my brother, Chris, downing a bottle of whiskey while mowing the lawn in nothing but his underwear. As comfortable and relaxing as that might sound, I knew that I had to help him, no matter how badly I wanted to do the same thing. I got off my bicycle in a rush, trying to figure out why he was doing that to himself once again.

Chris turned around at the sound of me struggling with my bike. He was now exposing the front side of his body that I certainly didn't want to see. I shielded my eyes from the horrific sight that was my brother's junk and repeated, "What are you doing?" Chris began to walker closer to me, holding his arms out like he was a zombie about ready to eat my flesh, his eyes wide and a grin plastered on his face. I took one step back as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey. How's my favorite little brother doing?" He slurred into my shoulder. I shrugged off the fact that I was his only brother and fake gagged at his half-naked hug, pushing him away with both of my hands. Chris nearly toppled over, but he grabbed on to his mailbox instead. He embraced it as if it was one of his own children and started petting it like it was glass, mumbling unidentifiable words into it. I knew that I had gotten drunk off my a** before, but that usually just ended with me urinating in my lunatic neighbor's newly trimmed bushes. I never talked to inanimate objects...or at least I never thought I had.

I shoved my hands farther into my jacket pocket, fumbling with the loose change. "Chris, are you sure you're okay? You had us worried when you stormed out of the restaurant earlier." That evening was when my brother, my sister Abby, and I all went out for our weekly dinner. It started out as it normally did: Abby cramming a whole night's worth of drinking into three minutes, I counted, Chris flirting with the waitress and the occasional waiter to get us free desserts, and me trying to figure out why I still went with them every week. But when Abby brought up Chris's financial situation, he took off and never came back. Abby and I spent the rest of that delightful evening trying to figure out how to talk to him. She was going to come with me to set him straight, but she had to take care of her son.

"Just dandy," he responded with his signature everything's fine but you know that's not true smile. Typical Chris, always acting like even the worst of things are good in front of his siblings.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "I dunno, man. You've seemed pretty bummed out lately. Everything okay at home?" I motioned to his house that was covered with splotches of hot pink paint, thanks to my niece, in the background. He turned around for a quick glance and then was back facing me. "Come on. Open up. Isn't this what brothers are for?" Brothers are also for bailing you out of jail and hiding the newest addition of their porn collection in your house.

Chris scrubbed his hand over his face. "I'm...I'm just so sick of it, you know? Jen's been driving me nuts ever since the new baby was born, Hannah and Jacob keep complaining about how we never never play with them anymore, and, on top of the crap sundae that is my life, I'm in dept and can't afford to live in the house anymore!"

I wasn't surprised by any of those facts. I knew Chris and Jen were having problems, but what couple hadn't gone through the same thing they are a million different times before? My niece and nephew already told me about how lonely they had been feeling since Caleb was born. I was also aware of Chris's financial problems because he had been borrowing money from me ever since he lost his job last month. "Look, if you need to borrow money..." I was cut off by my brother.

" Zach. I don't want anymore of your money!" He threw his hands up in the air.

I crossed my arms. "You're in a real rough patch, Chris. Let me help you out." I took my wallet out of my jean pocket and pulled out a few hundred dollar bills. "I know it's not much, but it should at least pay for one or two of the bills." I held it out to him and thought he was extending his arm to take it, but that wouldn't be like him. He did indeed take the money, but he proceeded to toss it up into the air like it was confetti. "Dude! What the hell was that for?"

"I'm sick of your charity. For once, I would just like to handle a problem on my own!" He explained as I knelt down to the ground to pick up the dollar bills. I knew it was hard for him to take the money, hell, it would come close to killing me if I had to, but he needed to do whatever he could to


help his family out. Once I had gathered it up, I held it out again.

"Just take the damn money. You know as well as I do that you really need it," I told him. Chris took a step forward and I was sure that he was going to knock it out of my hand again. Instead, he threw his arm back and launched it straight into my nose. I tumbled backward and landed on my bike, wincing as I thought something, maybe the kickstand, went into my leg. Immediately, I could taste the blood and put my hand up to my nose. That time, I didn't even bother to say anything because my brother was heading inside his house. I was startled when I heard the front door slam shut and knew that the people around him must've felt the force from the blow. Too lazy to move from the position I was in, I leaned my head back and pinched my nose, hoping to stop the bleeding.

Update 2:

-- What did you think of it? Would you continue reading on? What would you rate it on a scale of one to ten (one being awful and ten being the best)? The most detailed and thorough asnwer shall receive best answer and ten points!

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

Update 3:

Carmen - Even if some low life decided to steal it, they wouldn't be able to correctly and effectively write the rest, which is why I'm not too concerned about it. Plus, they don't even know the storyline, subplots, the rest of the characters, or anything else that is important. The person who would decide to claim my work as their own probably doesn't even know how to write well, because only a person like that would take someone else's work.

2 Answers

  • Camsy
    Lv 5
    10 years ago
    Best Answer

    My biggest problem with it is that it is in first person. Reading it I felt like this was something that could be highly entertaining but not the way it is written. I would re write it in third person and let the reader see some of Chris's inner dialogue.

    Source(s): avid reader.
  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Didn't I already tell you not to put this up on the Internet when you posted the same question earlier?

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