? asked in HealthMental Health · 10 years ago

What is your diagnosis? Should I see my psychiatrist again?

I'd like to try and keep this as brief and blunt as possible, so to cut a long story short:

Around a year ago, I was referred to a professional psychiatrist by my GP, on behalf of the fact that I was severely suffering from anorexia due to feelings of intense 'diagnosed' depression and suicidal tendencies.

Reluctantly, I obliged; but in retrospect, I realize that I was not conforming to my Doctor's instructions to gain professional mental help in order to gain some level of emotional stability and sanity - in fact, I complied merely as I was feeling arrogant of my daily routine, and quite fancied the idea of having an excuse to disrupt previous engagements at the call of an 'anonymous' appointment. Basically, I wasn't obliging due to some mechanical, cognitive drive to relieve my illnesses - it was apathy.

Well, I attended my first appointment: I found no personal errs between me and my psychiatrist, instead, I found her to be 'unfitting' for my situation, and so became distinctly aloof, diverting the conversation drastically at any given opportunity in order to throw her as far off the scent as possible.

I feel so puerile to remember it now, but I spent the best part of six months performing this act, every Thursday at four o' clock - and all the while, I was still wallowing in my frustration with an empty stomach. After all, she was only trying to help.

Fatigued with the effort of apathy one evening, I decided to quit my counseling appointments. My psychiatrist was discontented by this, and decided - after much convincing! - that she would keep my case open for future opportunity.

Fast forward two months later, and my situation seems to have worsened impeccably. I won't go into the grotesque details, but let's just say that I was definitely a mess. Due to a particularly stressful period that I foreshadowed in the coming months, I made the brash decision to inquire to my Doctor about the anti-depressants that I had been offered twice before.

Fidgeting anxiously in the Doctor's chair, I imagined that it would all be so quick, succinct - that he would just simply sign a slip and whisk me off to the chemist to retrieve my medication like the faithful and needy canine that I felt. But no; he began to quiz me, and before I realized, he astounded me with the knowledge that he would be referring me back to my old clinic, only this time, I was to be in the hands of a more qualified, higher-level psychiatrist.

I knew that the prospect of medication would never have washed my problems away, but I just wanted nullification. I didn't want to begin to discuss my truest, most intense and vulnerable feelings - I wanted to pretend that I was an asexual alien, and isolate myself from any physical manifestation that should stumble across my path and attempt to extract me from my self-imposed gloom, like some nocturnal specimen.

However, I did attend the first appointment with my new psychiatrist.

Upon arrival, I was particularly irritated at the garish presence of my old psychiatrist, whom upon seeing me, allowed her untrained features to unfold a look of inquisitive discomfort at my state. Three whole hours I spent droning. I could barely answer a meager question without my rash abashment flaring up malignantly in my voice.

When I was finally allowed the luxury of leaving that humid room, the only calculated thoughts that I could bear to muster were, "I'm done." And I was. The next day, I rang my psychiatrist and quit for the second time. At this time, I was foolishly convinced that I was going to be alright - that I had cracked some kind of code to self-enlightenment or something.

And everything was alright for a while. I pushed all negative and self-depreciating thoughts to the darkest orifice of my cerebral cavity, I abstained from direct self-harm (asides from starvation) and I ignored my own intuition, numbing myself with simplicities.

At one point, I even began to watch the programs that I had enjoyed as a small child again, because I felt that that was the closest that I could get to freedom within myself.

It didn't last for long - you know what they say: after a period of still, there always must commence an explosion; and that's exactly what has happened to me.

At the moment, I am just trying to muster the strength to cope with each day as it comes to me in the first breaths of morning light. I have been depleted to the state where I almost never leave the paranoia of my own home, I find it difficult to maintain personal hygiene, I never eat asides from wild moments of bulimic frenzy, and I have managed to isolate myself from everyone whom I know.

This is no way to live - and I don't want this. It isn't good enough for me to just ignore these intense feelings that I have, because that way, I will never allow myself to move ahead.

So, I've been thinking that perhaps I should s

Update:

P.S. Apologies; this was supposed to be short, direct and to-the-point - but I am forever being carried off by my atrocious stream of thought.

8 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hi,

    You seem to be a thinker who needs to know why things are the way they are. I mean you could just live; do as others do, as you are told, play dumb, subject yourself to the will of others, ignore your own mind - it may be just a phantom ego. Psychologist will treat your mind as just another organ in your body - like your liver - they don't believe you exist as an entity unless you are holistically healthy but then your wouldn't be on their assembly line.

    I believe you are an existentialist thinker, or of that type. Eat, exercise and read. Understand that nobody will understand you - not even yourself, not yet. You are asking the big questions; where am I? what am i? how can i behave? what is freedom? what is the nature of my reality?

    You can answer these and have what you want but you must give and serve first and be discreet with your own desires - it is the way of the world. First we work to push the rock up the hill then we get to watch it roll down again. And then we start again - it is absurd - that must be accepted.

    You will make a great intellectual but don't ignore your personality; smile, joke, laugh, cry, trick, treat and don't be offended, don't take yourself so seriously or judge people by their covers.

    You have time to get to know the place and other people - look inside yourself for patience and good habits. Don't let psychiatry swallow you up - take care of your health.

    You should not bail out, not now, not ever - switch off that option - it is a pseudo choice. You write well but you can write better. Stay around join the collective. I will be happy to provide you with a book title for this time in your life - just ask or choose for yourself. There is something to be found.

    Source(s): We all live.
  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Anoushka, I sent you a reply about your 14 year old cousin and I am surprised that you must have had this problem at that time.

    You have a very difficult problem here, with so many interwoven facets and you have already left two psychiatrists who really are there to help you. What you did on both occasions was wrong and you should not have just walked away. Your appointment with the second psychiatrist, was for three hours, three hours which he could have spent with someone as equally poorly as you, but more willing to follow his advice. So that's the tell off, now what to do.

    You cannot resolve your problems yourself, even though at times you think you can, and I think you concede you need help. So, you need to go back and see your second psychiatrist either through your doctor or through the psychiatrist's secretary.

    This is conditional on the following:

    1. You apologise to the psychiatrist for deciding yourself, not to see him again.

    2. That whatever you held back from him at the first (and only) appointment, you now tell him, fully and truthfully.

    3. That you take what he says seriously and whatever he suggests you do, you accept.

    4. That you do not miss any future appointments.

    5. That you do not decide to stop seeing him again, until he feels you are sufficiently well to just see your doctor periodically.

    This is harsh and I mean it to be - you see him - you decide you can deal with it yourself - you cancel your psychiatrist - your problems get worse - you can't cope - you need to see someone - no exists because you have cancelled everything. That's it in a nutshell.

    You now have to decide the route back to your psychiatrist, I have given you the two options, and hopefully he will see you again. I hope everything goes well, please deal with it tomorrow.

  • 10 years ago

    You got cut off. First of all, you should direct the energy that you spend starving yourself into writing a book. Even that was like a story. And second, what kind of psychiatrists are you seeing? All of the psychiatrists I know say hi how are you, give you your prescription, and then you leave. None of them have asked me to bare my soul to them. I don't think they'd even listen if I tried. Therapy and psychiatry are different - find a psychiatrist that doesn't do therapy if you're not comfortable with it. Try the medication and if that doesn't work, then try therapy too. Just get over it and try something if you're really wanting to change your life.

    P.S. I find your idea of a "long story short" humorous.

  • 10 years ago

    Well, "Anoushka Räya", you've led the psychiatrists up a gum tree and you've led us all up a gum tree with your 18+ paragraph "true story". I'm not saying I don't believe you, I just want you to think about who is actually losing out here. You see yourself as the centre of a big drama, like some sort of "heroine". If anyone pulls you up on it you've got the big guilt levers to pull on them.

    I can't write as well as you can but I can see through you without trying to. I'm sure others could too, if they took the trouble. Do you really think this psychiatrist or whatever she is gives a damn about you wasting an hour of her time with your fantastical stories and cleverness? The only person losing out here is the one looking at you in the mirror. Get real asap.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Hi Anoushka,

    Firstly you write very well. And you obviously have support from your GP so you are on the right track. But if you are not comfortable with your psychiatrist woman you knw that you change. I was once referred to a psychiatrist and after my first meeting with him, I told the other professionals that I found his profoundly patronizing and intimidating. If you can't open up to someone, you just can't and mental health issues are very sensitive topics for the subject to discuss.

    I cant really give you any advise on the social isolation and depression and what not coz i suffer form that myself.

    Good luck

  • hana s
    Lv 5
    10 years ago

    You have some sort of eating disorder, and it is having negative effects on ur mental health.

    In order to function like a proper human being, u need to sleep at least 8 hours a night, and eat regular meals during the day, containing protien dairy carbs and fibre, u also need to drink enough water.

    It is important to get some excercise.

    and talk to a human being every day.

    Get in tough with ur family, it is ok to feel shy or nervous, as long as u are a genuine person who cares about the other persons feelings and u are polite to them they wont mind u.

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    that was not a long story short. I could barely even read all of that. It cut off because it was so long. I definitely think you should check in with your doctor. It sounds like you are really out of sorts

  • Lila
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    The diagnosis is that you do need to see a psychiatrist for a correct diagnosis and the help that you need.

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