How should i deal with my boyfriends need for independence?
I just turned 36, he is gonna be 35 next month. Dating for 3 years, 1st year wasnt too serious. Before we started dating and for that 1st year he was a "playboy" who was going partying to Vegas 4-5 times a year, going to Hamptons in the summer 4 wknds to a singles share house. As our relationship got serious i couldnt tolerate his trips any longer. He "compromised", which took a lot of fighting, that he is not gonna go away by himself on the holidays, but yet, he still goes to Hamptons on his own (singles share house with 50 single guys and girls). He "compromised" that out of 4 wknds im allowed to go with him twice (he is an engineer and he looks at everything in numbers, so in his mind 50/50 is a compromise in this case) He claims that he just wants to spend time by himself, that his friends dont act the same around me (again, there are girls and guys there and we r in our mid 30s). I dont mind him going there since he loves it there so much, all i ask is to take me there with him. Yes, Im jealous, cause Im not allowed to go there all 4 wknds and I have to pick the 2 wknds; jealous that im being excluded...he wants to be just with his friends, which includes girls and not just guys...Im not only his gf, but im also his friend, more than others and its hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that since other girls are there, why cant i? its not a matter of trust, cause if he wanted to cheat, he can do it without leaving town, it can happen any time any place. It hurts my ego A LOT that im being told that im not welcomed somewhere where we can both have fun and i have to choose wknds when im allowed to go. Mind u, we see each other only on the wknds. I dont mind if he goes out with his guy friends for a drink, but leaving me for a wknd to go to Hamptons to party, and telling me that i cant go, really hurts me. He tells me Im demanding, controlling and possessive. We have a lot of fights over it. he claims that it has nothing to do with me, that he just needs his alone time (and he says it, while he goes to a share house). His other argument is that he spends every wknd with me and he can get away at least for 2 wknds during the summer. Well, he offered me to live wiith him last September, i declined and this was one of the reasons. If we spend only wknds together and he still needs to get away, what would happen if we actually lived together?? He also insists that he has to go away on vacations on his own at least once or twice a year. He stopped going on multiple vacations like he did before, which took a lot of fighting. And As I mentioned we spend every wknd together, on which occasionally he tells me that i dont have to be there every wknd, cause he needs time for himself. I cant comprehand this, since he was the one who suggested for us living together last year. Am I really being too demanding? too possessive, controlling? Please advice!
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
First of all, thank you for using punctuation!
Now look, he's in his 30's! A guy his age should be ready to settle down by now, but he is obviously too immature to give up the partying and settle down with a sweet girl.
You are not being too demanding, especially for a 3 year relationship. He's going to a "singles" house... I can see why he wouldn't want to bring his girlfriend. That kind of defeats the purpose. But at the same time, he is no longer single, and therefore - going to a "singles" house is extremely disrespectful to your and his relationship.
It's completely natural that he would want time to himself. Everyone is entitled to have some alone time. But if he only gets to see you on the weekend, doesn't that mean that the entire week is all his? So not only does he need ALL week to be away from you, but he wants to give up 50% of the time you should be able to spend together?
You need to just go ahead and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need to be able to spend time with him and if he is not willing to give up the "single" lifestyle and commit to you, then you should leave him. You're not being controlling, you are being a normal 30 something woman. You're expectations for him are way too high, he just can't cope with reality. He feels the need to act like a college kid, and that is not the man you should spend your life with. Would he make a good husband? Father? Probably not. So it's best to nip it in the bud now before you go too far and are left wondering what went wrong.
- AM THAT GIRLLv 41 decade ago
UMM I DONT THINK THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TO GO NOWHERE =]
BEST OF LUCKS