What do you think of this so far? criticism is welcomed!?

Ok I cam up with this when I was looking at a piece of art work and I know I haven't gotten far, but I know what's going to happen and I want your opinion.


The night sky was turning dark and the town’s folks were starting to go to bed. All but one. A young girl with long flowing brown hair was sitting in a garden waiting for her loved one. She had been waiting for him for some time now, and he has yet to show. She didn’t understand why he hadn’t shown. He loved her, and she thought he was going to propose to her, but her she was waiting for him as the day grew shorter.

Frustrated she finally stood up and walked out of the garden with her cloak following behind her. No man had ever stood her up before. Never. Why would a guy want to stand her up anyways? She was a young beautiful girl of nineteen, and every guy wanted to court her, so why didn’t her loved one show?

Slamming open the doors to his gorgeous house she stormed up the stairs looking for his study. She knew that’s where he would be. That’s where he always was, but then again that’s what most men of his age did. They where always to caught up in there work to bother with there loved ones, but she knew that wasn’t true. She had been with one other man before, and he always made time for her.

Opening the doors to his study she wrapped her long black cloak securely around her. The window was open and blowing in the cold night breeze that had threatened to make her day worse. Looking around the study she saw him. Her loved one sitting in a chair by the fire.

“Where have thy been?” She asked walking over to him. She stood at the back of his chair with her arms across her chest as she waited for him to answer, but he didn’t. He just continued to stare at the fire.

“I’ve been waiting for thy for a fort night it seems. Thy said thy would meet me in the garden, but her thy are sitting in thy study,” She said raising her voice. Still, though, there was no answer.

“Lord, please, answer thy loved one,” She pleaded. All she wanted to do was listen to his voice. Even if he yelled at her at least she could hear his voice, but still there was no answer. Getting more frustrated at the minute she walked around his chair and stood in front of him.

Lord Christens dark brown eyes seemed liked they looked right through her. His hands were stiffly at his side and his right leg was across his left. He didn’t meet the eyes of his loved one, and still he didn’t speak.

His loved walked up to him and touched his arm, but he didn’t make any acknowledgement that she was there. She started to shake his arms harder as she yelled out his name over and over again. She began beating on his chest and tears started to leave her eyes, but still no noise was made from him. With one final slap to the chest she stepped back and looked at her lover. She was about to yell again when she felt something warm and wet on her hands. Looking down she saw a red sticky substance.

Shaking she looked back over at Christen. “Christen,” She whispered walking back over to him. She touched his shoulder and let out a blood curtailing scream as his head fell to the side to reveal a deep, bloody cut wound.

5 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hmm, alright it sounds really good :) I like your overall idea but there are a few things you need to watch out for. For example, your dialogue is awful. What you're trying to say is good but the way you say it...needs some work...if you do intend on keeping it so 1500s I suggest you read up on your shakespeare :) But otherwise changing it to the 1600s would make it much easier to write.

    Instead of “I’ve been waiting for thy for a fort night it seems. Thy said thy would meet me in the garden, but her thy are sitting in thy study,” I think this would be more correct "I have been waiting for thee a fort night so it appears. Thy claimed to meet me in the garden, but here thee art lounging in thy study"...or something like that xP

    Remember, you can't shorten words if you're writing shakespearean style

    Source(s): I wisheth thee best of luck! ;D
  • 1 decade ago

    oooo this is very exciting so far i would expand a little more on everything... what do either of there houses look like what are they wearing, what does it smell like what is going through their minds etc. and when u say loved one at the start it sounds like any family member i would add more to the touching and shaking and yelling part make it more intense. But the general intro and plot is very good

  • carol
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Thats rather well! Especially on the grounds that the reality you're simplest 12! The bits I could difference (if I HAD to) could be as a substitute of claiming what the shadows say, simply let us know that they have been whispering into your ear. The sword bit must come while right here... "It's been hours for the reason that it stole THE SWORD. I puzzled if THE SHADOWS have been ever coming for me...blah blah blah..." Capitals represents what I transformed. Very well tale incidentally :)

  • 1 decade ago

    It is okay. Just watch your spelling. Keep going with this, it is a good idea. Good luck(:

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  • 1 decade ago

    idk how to explain how really amazing and nice and beautiful and sad this storry is its actually really amazing wow you HAVE to write more wow im in shock...( thats a very good thing)

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