I am dating a married man who just informed me that his is going to counseling with his wife?
We have worked together for about 4 years. Over this time we became best friends. I had a crush on him and he flirted back with me. I was dating someone and I started sharing my problems with him. His wife ended up confessing to him that she had an emotional affair with his close friend and he had a hard time forgiving her. A few months after the disclosure he left her. She did not want the serration but he was done with her. He told me he would never go back to that and that she hurt him very badly. We started seeing each other immediately. He started staying at my house the weekend that they separated. We became intimate about a month later. It was the best time of my life. He said he never had feelings like that before, even with his wife. He introduced his kids to mine, we had playdates during his days with the kids. He never told his wife about us since he said she was crazy and would take the kids from him. What he had was real and nothing Like I've ever experienced. he was my best friend and my boyfriend. Then one day out of the blue he tells me that he is going to counseling with his wife. I have not slept, eaten in a week. What should I do. He also never filed for divorce and I kept telling him that he should but he kept giving me lame excuses.
I have never been on this side of the fence and I should have know better. My kids and I fell in love with him. they keep asking about him. What should l I do? everyone at work saw the attraction yet my family advised me against it. I am torn and heart broken. I want to tell his wife but then he will never talk to me. I love this man so much.
Has anyone been in this situation before? I know how this all sounds but this is the sweetest man. I feel like I am loosing my best friend. I want to hear from people who have been in my shoes. I know it was wrong for us to fall in love but we did not intend to. How can he even go back to his cheating wife? I gave him my all, I feel like a fool but I love him and he loves me.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I have not been in the situation but I was involved in a triangle like you will be if you inform his wife.
Listen I am not going to tell you what you did was wrong because you sound like you already know or if you don't read all the comments. What bothers me is that you are still looking at him as a saint & like he his yours. I will agree with many previous comments but the main one that stick out is that even though you may want sympathy, you went into this with your eyes wide open. As a friend you knew he was vulnerable due to his wife's deceit, yet instead of being a "best friend" like you claimed, you thought you won & jumped on the opportunity. Let me tell you what I do with my male friends, if they ever start talking about their problems with their significant others, I set a clear boundary & we don't go there. Most know better now since I was very clear that I don't want to get too personal with them, as a result they know not to talk to me about their wife problems & I don't talk about my marriage issues with them (I save those covos for my hubby, if I have a problem with him he needs to be informed & not my friends) Once you start opening up to a guy like you did with your problems, you will bond on a deeper level, but remember it's a problem bond. This PROBLEM bond will always be a base for most affairs or any problem bond based relationship. Most affairs begin with co-workers problem bonding as just friends, in the workplace, they didn't mean 2...etc. I hope that you see that your "love-story" is a classic type "affair"...read up on it & I bet you will find that this is very common. You are not the 1st or the last that this has happened to. Just be aware now of how close you get to your male friends.
Aside the fact that my husband had an affair long time ago and this the thought of the other women really strikes a nerve, I don't despise you or your kind to put it nicely. I hope that you see that while you were fulfilling your OWN needs, you were creating a serious devastation for another human being (THE WIFE). YES, the husband is to blame & I don't think any husband goes home after the affair & jumps back like nothing has ever happened. It's a long recovery process for him & the wife. The fact that he is going to counseling is a strong indicator that he realized what he did, sounds like maybe used you as some type of revenge on his wife & feels guilty & now want to make it work. Maybe he lost respect for you after you slept with him and did not see you as a potential life long partner. He may have mean those things he felt & said, if you read the book I put a link to they typically are stronger since the relationship is forbidden it creates a heightened level of excitement so people think it's some sign of long lasting/ true love /soul-mate mambo jumbo crap but it's just your brain chemicals tricking you...really, read up on it!
The strangest thing about your story is that you introduced your kids to your married partner, well maybe they were young and you thought it was OK. I don't know how you will explain this to them & I hope none of them learn from your behavior & act like that once they grow up. As a parent you should teach your kids right from wrong. You are teaching your kids that it's OK for a man to stay the night at your house, and now what? Will you say he went back to his wife. Again I hope that your kids are young & I pray that they don't understand what you exposed them to. You never expose kids to anything toxic. You should be their best teacher. I hope going forward you are strong enough to cut ties with this married man & work on you. Also as a rule, I would never be intimate with a guy after a month and let him stay at my house. I waited a year before I slept with my husband. Most guys don't respect you that much after they hit it that quick. If you chose to engage in this behavior at least don't expose your kids to it. They are innocent & should not see this or they may grow up. They are looking up to you & it does not look good if a man they just met is staying the night.
So since you went into this with a clear head since we established he had issues now you got your head all messed up. At this point stop being selfish & let him go. Worry about your kids. Your babies are the most important thing, not you and not him, YOUR KIDS.
The book below may help you, there is a chapter about the other woman & in the healing part there is also a section for the OW.
I hope that you learn from this & ask God for forgiveness.Source(s): http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm
- Anonymous5 years ago
What part of this really surprises you? Here are the facts: Face 1: He was married. Meaning, married. Not divorced. Not even in the process of getting a divorce. Fact 2: He never made future plans to be with you. You were a fling who grew attached - like a parasite. Unfortunately for you, you had hopes that he would eventually be just yours. He never was. Fact 3: You aren't deserved any answers. I'm sorry, but you're not going to get any answers. You were just a nice way to get sex and power without ruining his marriage directly. You're nothing more than a random annoyance at this point. My advice? Move on. Don't get revenge, don't get even .... simply move on and learn never to get involved with a married man.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
You made a major mistake when he was a married man & the friendship grew into more.It doesn't matter what you both feel but he's going to counseling which tells the WHOLE STORY...Walk away & eventually you will recover. He is not YOUR husband,so hands off & you can at least lessen your guilt.As far as your children....they never should have had a relationship with your married lover. I know this sounds harsh,but someone needs to remind you of your inappropriate relationship.
- 1 decade ago
Dating a married man is a no-win situation. His wife will ALWAYS take precedence over you. After all, if he truly loved you like you say he does, then he wouldn't bother going into counseling with his wife. Move on and pick a single man instead. Save yourself the heartbreak.
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- 4 years ago
here are numerous reasons why a once committed relationship would degenerate to one partner asking for a divorce. how to save your marriage https://tr.im/oQQRX
It could have been:
- an affair
- having been separated by a long distance for lengths of time
- behavioral issues or psychological problems of one spouse
- even unmanaged addictions.
Whatever of these problems may be what is seen on the surface, the bottom line is that usually, barring any abuse or psychological problems that are best handled by a professional, a couple find themselves in danger of divorce when there is a loss of:
- and intimacy
in the marital relationship.
- 1 decade ago
He's not the sweetest man. He's a cheater. You were just an amusem ent for awhile. And all married men tell their "girlfriend" that they've "never had feelings like this before". And I'm guessing 95% of what he told you about his wife was a lie to play on your sympathies. He had probably had some sort of affair and she caught him. He doesn't love you. If he did he would have divorced his wife and married you.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
He's starting an emotional affair with you while his wife has one ongoing with his friend.
Cut him loose and send him home to her and wish them luck, they need it.
If you love him, you wish him well and happiness.
You are lamenting on your loss. That's not love.
And look at all these people saying he used you...
If anything you used him!
You knew he was married and you knew he was having problems but you didn't enforce any boundaries!
You "comforted" him and took advantage of his emotional state!
When you love someone you act in >their< best interest.
You're best off not looking at it like that at all.
Accept it for what it was, a fling.
That does not mean he doesn't care about you.
That does not mean you don't care about him.
It just means it's not going to work out long-term.
It wasn't meant to be.
You do not have to hate each other for now on.
If you choose to, you can choose to love each other for forever and even remain friends.
And loving each other means enforcing boundaries not using each other for comfort.
Book in the source for you if you want to read about the dynamics of affairs.
You could even buy for him as a gift.Source(s): His Needs; Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
- 1 decade ago
How can he even go back to his cheating wife? you have a lot of nerve to ask a question like that...How could you demoralize yourself with a married man? All married couples have issues. Women like u should have a special place in HELL!!! Would you did was doom any marriage that you may or may not ever have. And because of things that you have done with another woman's husband, you will always think that your husband(if you ever get one)is up to something. And as far as your children go....i hope you don't have daughters. No matter how you sugarcoat it YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE AND HOPE HIS WIFE DOESN'T CATCH YOU IN A DARK ALLEY. HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED AND NOW YOU WANT SYMPATHY....YOU GET NONE HERE SWEETIE! HOPEFULLY HE REALIZED THAT HE WAS GOING TO HELL AND DECIDED TO DETOUR. ALWAYS REMEMBER KARMA IS REAL. WHAT DOES YOUR KARMA HOLD IN STORE FOR YOU?
- .Lv 71 decade ago
You were the rebound woman, unfortunately...had you two waited before getting involved, you may not be in the situation you are in now...he went straight from being hurt by his wife, to being comforted by his female friend, right when he was the most vulnerable...
What you did wasn't wrong, but just unwise because he hadn't had time to emotionally get over his marriage before he started seeing you...it was wrong of him also, but you were in a position to think with a more clear head...
Learn the lesson...how he can go back to his cheating wife is something only he can explain...sorry you are hurting but you see where his heart is (or his emotional dependency)...perhaps he's concerned about the kids, perhaps he's concerned about what his financial situation will be if they divorce...perhaps he truly does want to see if they can work things out...