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Can You Read This and Tell Me What You Think?

Can You Please Read This and Tell Me What You Think?

I could hear something, I’m pretty sure I could. It was like thumping at the back of my head, a dull, deep thumping that was vibrating down my spine. My eyes were moving around slowly under my eyelids, searching for anything, but my eyelids seemed almost glued shut.

I couldn't’t open my mouth and take a sweet breath because there was something cold shoved down my throat, I could feel the air pumping in and out of my lungs, but not naturally… I tried to breathe and started to gag, my chest felt like it was being pulled apart from the inside, the pressure building up. I tried to breathe again, but I couldn’t, my lungs were freezing up, my lips were chapping, and my eyes spinning around in their sockets.

Then, something snapped and everything got better. My eyes snapped open, only to clamp shut again against the bright light. My ears opened up with a pop when I swallowed and I could hear the wailing sirens all around me. My lungs took in a deep breath; the antiseptic smell filling my nose. I coughed, a thick liquid bubbling up my throat.

Voices swirled around me, deep, raspy ones and shrill, loud ones lingered in my mind.

“B-B-B-” I could hear vague gibberish floating by my head, which eventually chained together with some other recognizable words to form letters that I could understand… “Brianna-Brianna-Brianna-,” The voices mixed and merged together, becoming more and more thick, their voices slurring… that’s when I fell asleep again, this time peacefully…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I rolled my eyes around in my head carefully, and then batted them open, expecting another intense light; and yet: I saw nothing. Everything was dark. My heart froze in place. Was I blind?

I reached my frail arms up to touch my face, but they were strapped down by thick blankets, layer after layer of cottony throw… the cottony fluff could have been steel bars just as well because my arms were trembling and weak.

I looked around, still seeing blackness. Finally, my eyes came across something bright and shiny in the middle of the room, just floating. I peeked at it carefully and reached for it, but it seemed so distant and unreachable…

I breathed a sigh in relief as my hand swooped past it and covered it; I was not blind… was I dead? Was I seeing the very light that would walk me up to Heaven?

No. I wasn’t.

Not.

Even.

Close.

OKAY. That can either be:

a.) the Prologue

OR

b.) the 1st Chapter

What do u think? Comment for me! ty! also leave me some suggestions, like better synonyms to use or something, I mean, I use the online thesaurus and stuff... but anyways... thank youu!

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I would edit it like so:

    I could hear something. At least, I thought I could. It was a kind of thumping at the back of my head, deep and visceral, vibrating down my spine, banging on my eardrums. I tried to open my eyes, to look around, but my eyelids seemed glued shut.

    I couldn't open my mouth. I wanted to breathe, but there was something cold shoved down my throat. I could feel my lungs filling and emptying, but not of their own accord. I tried to inhale and started to gag instead. My chest felt like it was being pulled apart from the inside. I tried to breathe again, but I couldn’t.

    Something snapped. My eyes flicked open, only to clamp shut against the bright light. My ears opened up with a pop when I swallowed. I could hear wailing sirens. I took a deep breath and an antiseptic smell filled my nose. I coughed, a thick liquid bubbling up my throat.

    Voices swirled around me, deep, raspy ones and shrill, loud ones lingered in my mind.

    “B-B-B-” They were only gibberish floating by my head, but they eventually chained together to form words that I could understand… “Brianna-Brianna-Brianna-,” The voices mixed and merged together, becoming thicker and thicker, blurring and slurring...

    I closed my eyes again.

    *

    This time when I opened my eyes, I saw nothing. It was dark.

    Was I blind?

    I tried to reach my arms up to touch my face, but they were trapped by thick blankets, layer after layer of cotton.

    I looked around, slowly, carefully. Still dark. Finally, my eyes came across something bright and shiny in the middle of the room. It was floating. I peered at it, reached for it, but it seemed so distant.

    I breathed a sigh in relief as my hand swooped past it and covered it. I wasn't blind… was I dead? Was this light that would walk me up to Heaven?

    It wasn’t.

    Not even close.

    Here's why.

    #1 Redundancy. Gibberish is always vague. If she can't lift blankets she must be weak. A good way to check for redundancy is to switch one of the words to its antonym. Ever heard of a small giant? How about white darkness? Redundancy also goes for things like 'cottony' twice in the same sentence, and saying 'their voices' when you've already identified the voices.

    #2 Character's state of mind. She probably won't recognise some things straight away. In her state, she can probably only sense things very simply. Maybe someone else would notice her eyes spinning around, but she probably wouldn't. Shorter sentences work better with her confusion, and our confusion as readers.

    #3 Weird punctuation, ie 'Not. Even. Close.' People do speak like that, but it looks odd in your writing.

    #4 Watch your tense. If you're writing in past tense, keep it that way. Don't lapse into present.

    #5 Consistency. If her arms are trapped, how's she reaching for the light?

    Now for the positive stuff! You've got a fairly good grasp of grammar and spelling. That's somewhat rare on this site. You've got a good strong sense of intrigue that makes me want to keep reading. You've got just the right amount of information that we're not completely lost: we know what's going on, but you're not shoving it down our throats. There's a nice pace to your writing.

    I like it, I'd definitely keep reading it. I think you need to proofread a little more carefully at times though - most of your mistakes would be rooted out this way. The best way to proofread is to read it aloud to someone. And I think if the rest of your story is in this style, and this time sequence, make it the first chapter. If you change POV, tenses, hop back in time or it's shorter than your other chapters, make it the prologue.

    Source(s): I'm a writer too.
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  • 4 years ago

    Which is easier to believe: This person is really psychic and all of science is wrong or that your mother gave this person some information beforehand? She may have been told by your mother that you were coming and she may have done some research. She may be very good a cold reading. You would be amazed at how much information you gave her by your expressions when she said certain things. As a fun trick I memorized a list of ten things that fortune tellers and palm readers say when they do a reading. EVERY time I have done a ‘reading’ I have gotten at least 4 hits. When asked about how well I did almost everyone tells me I got half or more right. How could this be? These ten things are true for nearly everyone and nearly everyone has no clue that what is true about them is true for about 99.44% of everyone else! Google “cold reading” and be amazed at how easy it is to convince people, even hard core skeptical people like you that the impossible is actually being done! But, as you already know, science can be relied upon and people who tell the future are not really doing so and most of them know it!

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  • 1 decade ago

    ok so he or she is in a hospital? really great :) i think its really suspenseful and a good cliffhanger got me interested right away :)

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