Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Getting numb in marriage?

I had a blowout with husband because he's so critical. Whenever I talk about how critical he is, he just explains away why he criticized whatever he criticized and wants me to tell him what else he criticized but the thing is I didn't write it down every time he did, or I would have a list of 10 items a day...he doesn't seem to see what I do. As soon as he walks in the door, he'll see a problem...I'm getting so tired of fighting it and so tired of hearing it that I'm getting numb and I feel like I'm giving up with trying to please him because I can't seem to make him happy...he just admitted to me he's not as happy as he used to be and I don't know how I could have tried any harder to make him happy. I didn't want kids and he did so we had two kids, who I love, but that just wasn't a life goal for me. I gave up my job to be a stay at home mom. I'm not a cook or a housekeeper but spend my life doing those things anyway...I have my own dreams and it seems like I never get close to achieving it so when I feel like he doesn't appreciate my efforts, it's just like I can't win...when we fight, he tries to tell me he appreciates me but it feels like he doesn't show it...and he picks on me for my time on the internet and phone but maybe I want to stay connected the outside world so I don't get cabin fever...ugh! Anyone ever been here before and would should I do? I feel like divorce is not an option. That wouldn't make any of us any happier...

Update:

I WISH! I recently had my second baby and when I was pregnant I pretty much stopped cooking. I feel like a horrible person but with two babies and with him never being happy, it just sucks all the motivation out of me...so we've been having the type of meals that are pre-packaged...not super healthy stuff...just super easy stuff...I wish I could hire a cook and a maid...

Update 2:

Bball as far as our walks with the Lord...I feel like he doesn't turn to the Word or the Lord first in problems...he tries to solve everything by working more. He's a workaholic...I feel like I'm more spiritually mature and I know it doesn't sound like it today cuz sometimes I lose it like any human with emotions, you know? I have to push him to put the Lord and church first, to tithe, to give, and if the home is too much to afford, why not sell it and downgrade? I guess the core of the problem is we are both overwhelmed...

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well, you are on the right track when you thought of divorce and it wouldn't make you happier...

    First, you can't make him happy. You can't keep him happy.You can't control him. You can't make him be a certain way. You can't make him less critical. You can't make him appreciate you more. You can't, can't, can't do anything that changes him in any way. { Do you get the hint? ;-) }

    This is how you deal with someone: You control your thoughts and actions to USE the best qualities of someone. You focus on those qualities. You line yourself up so that they give you those best qualities. Those qualities you love. How great is that?

    Now back to my first statement:

    When you think about divorce, how does that make you feel? Bad right. You feel sad when you just THINK about it. (Notice that you are feeling "bad" without DOING anything). So, all you have to do is THINK about what would make you happy. THINK, THINK, THINK. Pay attention to your emotions while you are thinking thoughts. The thoughts that feel good are the ones you focus on. The ones that feel bad, ignore. By doing this, you'll be happy.

    If you continue to focus on the thoughts that feel good, eventually, you'll have an INSPIRED ACTION to do. Do this action and you'll get great results.

    So stop thinking that you'll change your husband (and I bet you feel "bad" anyway when you think about the traits of his you don't like anyway). So ignore these thoughts. Ignore the thought of divorce. It didn't feel good so banish that thought. Find the good thoughts.

    Perhaps, "I'm doing quite well as a wife and mother even when I'm not doing the things that I truly enjoy". "What are some of my dreams that I could take a step towards". "Maybe just talking to one of my friends about my dreams would be fun". "It's pretty cool that even though I've been a stay-at-home mom, I still have the ambition to do things outside the home - that part has not died".

    Your job is to think good feeling thoughts and do inspired actions to make you happy. Only you can do this, no one can do this for you. Just like you can't do this for your husband. Only he can make him happy.

    I hope this helps.

    ADD: Just like pushing him to the Lord, you feel that's hard work, right? That's because once again you are trying to change him. You are also focusing on something you don't like (feels bad). Until you start following your own good feeling thoughts, everything will be hard. Work on yourself.

  • 1 decade ago

    An obvious answer would be to try some counseling, if divorce is not an option. First off it sounds like you should do something to get out of the house. If not a job, get involved with something, volunteer at the school or something in the neighborhood. You need to take care of yourself as well as the children and marriage. If not, everything tends to just fall apart. Maybe take a class. If it's possible spend some time apart. Make him appreciate what he has in you when your not there. Do you have parents, family, or friends close by but not too close that you could stay with for a short time? Heck, you might find yourself better off one way or the other.

  • mouser
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Constant criticism and isolating you from the outside world are emotionally abusive traits.

    Also, YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness. Of course couples should care about and promote each other's happiness but it is not your job. Looks like you have given up many things that would make YOU happy to make HIM happy.

    So if divorce is not an option, what ARE the consequences for his selfishness?

    Yes, I have been there, but mine is a full blown, narcissistic emotional abuser. I talked to him for YEARS, I got couples counseling for us twice, but it was ALWAYS all about him getting HIS needs met me getting fixed because everything was my fault. He started mind f-ing and sucking his narcissistic supply out of our young son. So that was it. I filed for divorce after 22 years of HOPING he'd get it.

    You can't change other people, and you can hope til the cows come home.

    See if he will go to counseling. And if he will, see if he works on himself and doesn't use it to only fix you.

    I hope for you and your children's sake that he is just being a bit selfish and is perhaps a bit depressed.

  • 1 decade ago

    Why are you getting frustrated if you are doing what you are to be doing as unto the Lord? Find peace in doing what you do for the Lord. Remember, honor God as you honor your husband.

    Now, I would also advise counseling, but not from some psychiatrist or therapist. You need to talk to your pastor. Both of you need to consider that passage in Ephesians 5. Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands. Husbands love your wives and wash them with the water of the Word.

    How is your walk with Jesus today? How is his? I only go in this direction because I know you (more or less).

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  • Murzy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    if he doesn't like your housekeeping, hire a housekeeper, same for cooking or eat out, etc

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