What should I do with my life? I've been depressed for the past 12 years, suicidal thoughts for past 10 years?
I'm 24 years old now. I have over 100,000$ in the bank from playing against idiots in poker. I've exercised to the point where I told myself, either you go to the gym or you kill yourself, no compromise. And obviously I ended up swallowing 72 sleeping pills and being committed to a mental hospital. I was getting pretty good and girls were looking at me differently but it was hell, I preferred death. Why does LIFE SUCK SO BAD. Nothing ever seems worth it. Anyway, I want to try power hallucinogenic drugs like DMT, LSD. Because maybe i'll find answers there because I haven't been able to find them in the real world. Maybe someone has a brighter idea than suicide for me? Should I do DMT or not? Is it immoral, is it immoral to kill myself? I want to debate a lot of these issues, and maybe find an answer for myself. Thank you for your time.
- 10 years agoFavorite Answer
Okay, this sounds like you missed something. Not a big surprise. Most people miss it. And at the risk of sounding like an asshole, I actually FOUND that something.
You have the possibility of living in four states of consciousness. In fact, that's why YOU are here. Specifically. Every person is an experiment in a self-evolving being. Not ALL people. All people have a different fate than individuals.
Because you use only the two lowest states (sleep and ordinary "consciousness"), you have an idea of the world that is COMPLETELY, 100 PERCENT INCORRECT. I'm not kidding. You wouldn't BELIEVE what all this stuff actually is. And I'm not going to tell you. Because I just said you wouldn't believe it. But if you were to try to REMEMBER YOURSELF with the specific aim of WAKING UP (because make no mistake...you are even now ASLEEP...a genuine hypnotized state that makes you think you're already awake because you compare ordinary consciousness to that state you call "sleep". Ordinary consciousness is really just "waking sleep") you would begin to see glimpses of the real world.
And I mean very brief glimpses. It takes a LONG time. This isn't a question of a month or two. This is a very long study.
When I was 23, I happened to be reading a book by Alan Watts. And he advised the reader to do something which I figured I'd try it...and in an instant, my life COMPLETELY, UTTERLY, IRREVERSIBLY CHANGED.
I woke up.
I can't even describe the feelings that went through me for the next few minutes. And as I became more accustomed to realizing what was happening to me, it segued into a feeling of liberation and joy that I had never before experience.
It was later that I found out that my satori experience was really the first step in ENTERING THE WAY. The Way is a process (you can call it a process) where one moves towards penetrating the third state of consciousness. With the coming of the third state, a new function is added to our psychic life. Instead of having just the four lower centers at our disposal (intellectual center, emotional center, instinctive center and moving center) there is a new center called higher emotional center. The properties of the higher emotional center appear MAGICAL to ordinary consciousness. They reveal a world ABOVE this world. It's the same world, actually, but there's something very different about it. There is nothing life offers, not even true love, that can compare to mystical states.
I should also point out that I had read Alan Watts five years earlier and it had no effect on me. Somehow, in those five years, I became psychologically prepared to hear what he was saying. He himself had experienced satori. And his words just tipped me into a state I was ready for.
The third state of consciousness is OUR BIRTHRIGHT. We SHOULD be conscious but we are not. Nature only develops us up to a certain point and any further levels of consciousness we might attain are ENTIRELY dependent on our own conscious efforts and voluntary suffering.
So go to bookstore and find either The Fourth Way, or In Search Of The Miraculous, both by Peter Ouspensky (aka P.D. Ouspensky). What you are looking for is in there.
- vicki bLv 510 years ago
I am so sorry to hear that you have been depressed for l2 years and that you tried to end your life. I too have experienced severe depression and can assure you that it gets worse IF you do LSD.
Please do NOT do LSD as it makes things much worse and will not give you any answers, but will put you in a worse place.
Suicide is not the answer either. Try to connect to something in life that makes you feel like you belong, are loved, are adequate and can change. What do you like to do, besides poker? Do you like any physical activity that connects with nature, like hiking, biking, yoga, meditation? Killing yourself at the gym may get you in shape but you are not happy doing it. Sometimes a walk to a park or a hike, seeing a waterfall, going to the mountains, getting away, can help.
I can assure you, without a doubt, that LSD will make it worse.
Please promise me you will not try that road; it's worse than a dead end.
Suicide is not the answer for someone as young as you are. You have so many things ahead of you that can be good and rewarding. What are you passionate about? Follow your passions and bliss will follow.
Why did you prefer death to pretty girls? Why was that hell for you? Have you ever been in therapy? I wish you the best and I hope you reconsider. Never give up. There are people who love and care about you in this world.
- VeliaLv 44 years ago
Suicide is never the answer. As long as your still alive it is never ever to late to start fresh. Just think of how your family, friends or the people closest to you would suffer knowing you chose to end you life so young. Your not just taking your life away but you are robbing those closest to you as well. As painful and as difficult as your life is, you and only you truly needs to decide to face your problems no matter how agonizing it may seem or give in and take the easy way out. No matter how grueling your life may seem at times someone always has it worse then you. Try and look at the positive aspects in your life because even though you think there may not be any I'm sure there is at least one no matter how small. I suffered as a child from depression which carried out into my adult life until I finally dealt face to face with what happened in my childhood. Although I never contemplated suicide, I did hit rock bottom after I almost flunked out of college. Through the good days and bad days my family was there for me and I finally overcame my feelings of depression. It was bitter, anger filled, and very painful but I chose not to let it hold me back in my life. You need to really sit down and ask yourself do I want to find the root of all my problems and work through them or do I want to end my life so I won't have to deal with them ever again? No one can make this decision but you. No one said that feelings were easy to deal with but if you really want to change your outlook on life and start living in a more positive and fulfilling way, you need to confide in the ones closest to you and accept their help. Remember you are important and irreplaceable. I wish you the best of luck!
- 10 years ago
ok. no you shouldnt do any type of drugs. they will only increase your suicidal thoughts. it will make your life worse and you will live with soo many regrets and nothing will make your life worth it anymore. dont go to any psychiatrist/psychologist cuz they will only tell you that you have mental issues and put you in the asylum. just try different things that arent drug/alcohol related. things like sky diving and bungee jumping and mountain climbing and hiking. explore the world. go somewhere. BE somebody. somebody thats worth being. get married. have some kids. do anything that will give your life meaning. if youre into music, take some guitar lessons or singing lessons or w/e instrument u want to play. the only person that can make your life better is you. you have to make the choice. not anyone else. you have to find yourself. best of luck to you.Source(s): my personal experience
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- 10 years ago
This may sound stupid but in order to answer your question I will need more info, what are your religious veiws, I.E. do you believe in God, or reincarnation? In the way of ethics that makes all the difference, personally I'm a Christian Counselor, and I know people say "Christian Counselor? How could you possibly help me?" all the time, but we do have all the same skills as your average psyches. On suicide or any type of self harm we all hold the same veiws, suicide is never the answer, for Christians its because God says do not kill, and if you ask for forgivness for killing yourself then do it anyway you've still commited one of the deadly sins and weren't actually forgiven for it. In the way of reincarnation you'll go to a lower plain of exsistence like a peice of grass...which would suck. On hallucinogics, dude your dealing with a beast there, I'm not even going to touch it. Your best bet is to find a good psychiatrist and be correctly diagnosed with most likely MDD. I hope I helped.
- the good guyLv 410 years ago
and how is that supposed to make us feel? to talk about the only things that can keep you alive over some blog where we can't even see you? How are you supposed to believe us wen we tell you that you're more valuable than the whole universe, and hurting yourself is a great tragedy. You don't even know me. But its true. If I knew you I would feel the biggest loss.
How will you believe when I tell you that the pain you will feel with just increase with those drugs... will you just shrug your shoulders when I tell you that it will be the last blow to evil snatching you away from this earth? Will you believe that you are fighting for your very existence at this moment?
You know in the old days people were defenseless against a pack of wolves, and even their howl would send shivers down the spines of a lost soul in the wilderness. Would you believe that I am talking of you, right now? The wolves are everywhere, friend, urging you to harm yourself, and you go along with these urges as though there was no place of refuge for you. But there is, and you have to make your way towards it, yes friend, you have to pick up the pace and head towards it until you can.
How many mouths you could feed with that much money? Children, boys and girls, who would smile back at you... mothers who would send their prayers for you from the other side of the world.
No, this money is not going to make you happy. Get rid of it. Happiness is knowing you did your duty for another person in despair, loneliness, hunger, bringing relief for a person in fear.... I am in fear right now, I fear for your safety. Brother, wouldn't you like to reassure me?
I will pray for you that you survive this ordeal, that you find God. If not I will still pray for you, only if you wished for a moment to see yourself as somebody wit great potential, as a worthy person that you are. But wouldn't you like to do something for me, Tomas? Would yo read this for my sake?
- Anonymous10 years ago
Clearly any 24 yo with over $100,000 in the bank is in need of help.
It is certain that you will be able to find a mass of psychologists who
are drooling to reduce that "ill gotten" $100,000 from you by listening to
you in 50 minute session. Telling you "can you go on with that".. 'Have you thought of doing something useful?" and "Our time is up."
Don't kill yourself --- you still have the potential of getting more money from idiot poker player.
You could use your math skills to actually publish how to beat the MMPI or any
other "psychological test", earning even more funds from Universities who will not want their departments of pseudo-science being shut down so they will pay you not to publish. But you will have to have written it first.
Science needs you to expose the fraud.
- LiviaLv 510 years ago
God has this to say to you:
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Have you checked in with Him yet?
The definition of insanity, or so I'm told, is to keep doing the things you are doing and expecting different results. I'd add that thinking the same thoughts qualifies. God says that His thoughts are different from ours. Hmmmm. Have you checked in with Him yet?
Jesus said: "I came that they (i.e. all people) may have life, and have it abundantly."
There was once a man named Andrew who dreamed of, lived for, adventure. He didn't have much time for God. Only his adventures and self indulgence led to boredom and emptiness, which he filled with one thrill after another. Inside, he was hurting, like you. Then he encountered God. He gave up everything, and God, in return, gave him amazing, exciting, international adventures as well as amazing intimacy. If you can find a copy of a book called "God's Smuggler" by Brother Andrew, you will see what I mean.
And open a Bible, dive in, asking God to show you if there is anything in what I've said - and be willing to hear the truth.
- BlueMntCoffeeLv 410 years ago
get some genuine friends dude, you sound like you are seriously lonely and you need some real friends who you can confide in, and be true to each other, ( not just the weekend drinking buddies) .you honestly seem like a guy who's got everything going,except some real friends.
that's my two cents.
- 10 years ago
You sound intense! My oh my, I think you should see a psychologist to help resolve some issues and go from there. Go to uni, go traveling, get a gf(easier said than done I know), see where life takes you, your bound to learn something new and perhaps the healing can start. Oh and that 100,100 will easily go become -100,100 if you decide to become a crackhead.