Do you like the beginning of my story? (It's short)?

Chapter 1

Longing for you, I found my self under the moonless night sky. The walk to the lagoon didn’t take long. My mud stained New Balance’s covered the once familiar terrain easily. Feet sinking into the mud, and slipping on the moss. The trees rose to the night sky disappeared and opened into a sandy clearing. Squinting, I could make out the lagoon.

I took my shirt off; the perspiration had already dampened it. One by one my garments hit the sand until there was nothing left. Just skin. I waded in. One foot in front of the other I made my way out. The water was so calm against my racing heart. You should be here I thought, I paused and then continued on. When the water reached my neck, I floated onto my back and stared at the sky. There was no moon tonight. Just stars, each one held a promise, promises I intended to fill.

Chapter 2

Walking up the wooden steps, I was heaving my back pack, which was bulging at every opening and slipping off my shoulders. One hand on the strap the other the railing, the last few steps were less of a chore. My door in sight, my pace quickened and upon turning over the floor mat was relieved to see my key still in place. My door swung open slowly revealing my dark loft. I turned on a light revealing my high ceilings. I dropped my back, now unzipping at the seams on the brown leather couch on my couch at the other end of the room and made my way over to the kitchen counter.

The flight wasn’t long yet I was still glad to be home. Tomorrow would be busy and I needed all of tonight to prepare. Green tea in hand I made my way to the bed room. Trading my worn blue jeans and red v neck for low cut black sweat pants and my favorites top-an organic cotton, faded yellow. I made my way back to the couch.

I sat Indian style and the wooden floor began to chill my feet as relieved the bulging backpack of its belongings.

Thanks!

7 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's good. I think you should put more information. What did she think about while she was in the water? why was she there? Put a better change in between the chapters. Other than that, I like it. You have good description, just enough, and not too much. I would like to read more. You could lengthen the chapters, but that's up to you. You are the writer, after all. Even though your good, you should take a writing class to develop your talent. You know, like creative writing. I thought that I was good, and then I took a class and it made me much better. Better than i thought I could be. Well, I wish you good luck!

    Source(s): Me
  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Any of these are a good start. Short stories are usually about the story, not really much depth in the characters and their main attention is with the conflict. Most likely you're going to want to get into the conflict real fast, so dialog is a good way. Or a quick description, whatever works for you.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i lovveeed the first chapter. it was beautifully composed, but i wish i could have learned more about. you left it with a mystery and just randomly jumped to chapter 2 which was a different scenario, but still didn't get to a point. They weren't connected at all and i think that in chap 2 since its a completely different thing you should go back and explain a little. In ch. 1 i dont like having New Balance in there it kinda throws off the whole serene, nature, reminiscing feel to it. Also in ch. 2 first paragraph you use my to much. but thats easily fixed and not a biggy

    you seem like a great writer good luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It was really good. You just need to make it longer. Like explain a lot more. For example... (im just assuming the character is a girl, you might want to give the reader a few hints)

    The water shimmers before me like a temptress, I feel a pull towards it. My fingers fumble to undo the buttons of my blouse, there are to many. The suspense burns within me as I give up and rip the buttons through the holes. My own eagerness scares me, he will come I assure myself. My body aches as the rest of my attire falls to the ground. With each step I make a hope fills me, warmth envelopes me starting at my toes and making its way to my cheeks. I know I should be more elusive but I cannot hold myself back as I walk into the glittering water... blah blah blah..

    That was just an example (a pretty bad one LOL), but do you see what you need to do know?

    Hope I helped :)

    Source(s): I love writing
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's good...

    Try www.storyjoin.com It allows members to collaborate with other members and write stories together. You start a story by writing 1 paragraph to as many as you want and any uncompleted paragraphs will be completed by other members.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Chapters are kinda short. I suggest using a really large font.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I love this style and genre of reading. You know, the addictive love type thing (what you show in Chapter 1.) Please send me your other chapters when and if they've been created!

    Email:

    yummykat48@yahoo.com

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