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I've started a book....?

I am 13 and started a book, not sure of the title yet, but I was wondering of your opinion on it. If fantasy's not something you enjoy you probably won't like it, It also has many similarities between it and the Renaissance. Ssorry for the spelling, i suck at that. Enjoy :)

CHAPTER ONE~EMMA

“Oh Mary! What shall I do?” I asked, tears streaming down my face. I sat in my window, second story up from my fathers fiefdom castle manor. Mary, my maid, took her time responding.

“I suppose you should accept your future with open arms. It will make everything easier.” She mumbled, brushing my hair gently.

“Leave me. I wish to be alone.” I ordered her, taking the brush from her hands and setting it on the window sill.

“Do you wish for help with your corset?” She asked me kindly.

“No, Leave me now.” I ordered again. Mary walked out of my chamber, leaving me to think alone. I refuse to marry him. I am 15 and do not wish to marry someone older than my own father! Father and Mother are in money troubles now. They wish to marry me off to the highest bidder, who happens to be a horrible man. We have fought many times, Mother and me, she says I have to. It’s my duty and my rights. My brother says that because I’m beautiful, men are willing to overlook my personality flaws. I do not see what is wrong with saying my mind, or refusing something I do not like. Since they give me no choice, I am leaving. I got up from my seat in the window, briskly walking over to my dresser. I pulled out my thickest dress, since it is raining outside. I took off my red ruffled, frilly dress mother makes me wear for company and put on my favorite light blue one. It has sleeves made of tight fabric to from my shoulders to my wrists. I did not put and under wire on since I plan to ride my horse. No my Brothers horse, it go’s faster. I will ride until I can no longer move, or breath. I will get as far away from here as possible. Never mind the forest has many creatures. I do not care for dragon riders, those thieves. I will not be afraid. I laced my boots and let out my hair, something I’m never aloud to do. I shook my head letting the brown locks fall over my shoulders. I ran down the long hallway decorated with painting’s of relatives and past family. I tripped over my own feet jogging down the stairs. And as soon as I got to the gate I shoved it open, despite the yells behind me. Warning me to shut it.

I ran to the stables in the heavy downpour, already soaked. I opened the closest stall which is my brothers and didn’t bother with a saddle, I can ride bare back. I jumped on the horse, kicking its side to make it run from the stables into the open field, to the forest. I did not stop when I got to the forest, I kept riding, fast, quickly. The moon shining bright over head. I laughed, free and lighthearted. I could hear my pocket pouch jingle inside my dress. I thought that if I am leaving forever I may as well take some coins with me. Emma Doyle is free at last.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

LEO

I lied back in my tent, listening to the other men outside roughhouse and get drunk. I closed my eyes thinking of the girl I last saw in a village. She was blind, and she was crazy but she was only 10. They put her on witch trials and burned her-after throwing stones at her. How can the world be so cruel? If a little girl is crazy and wrong in the head it does not mean she is a witch. I can not sleep, it is simply too depressing. I climbed out of my tent, planning to take care of my dragon or at least talk to her. I got out of my tent just as a girl flew past the camp on a horse, right next to the rest of the boys. It was only a matter of time before they were on their dragons and flying above the tree’s to get her. I suppose they suspect something but since their drunk, or at least tipsy they are half stupid. So I just sit on a log close to the fire and wait for them to come back. It was no more than five minutes later did Raphael come back with the rest in tow, a girl’s hands tied behind her back, hanging over the back of the blue and horse sized dragon. They were laughing while they parked themselves and I rushed over to the girl. She was beautiful. In a blue gown that made her look like an angel. She had long brown hair, set loose and windblown. Blue eyes, with a pale face lit up by the fire. She was close to my height, but that might just be her boots, at least the rain’s stopped. Robert grabbed her carrying her in his arms to the fire.

“Come now miss, What’s a nice lady like you doing out here in the middle of the forest, alone?” He smiled, laughing again. The angel did not say a word. She only stared at the ground, “Don’t ignore me.”

Raphael took her into his arms holding her face close to his, “What’s your name girl?” He asked, ”Don’t make me check your dress for records.”

“I have nothing in my dress for you, nor any man

4 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    If you don't take criticism well, don't read this.

    #1- You may want to change the name of your main character. Because there is a semi-famous (amongst teen fantasy readers anyway) series called the Gemma Doyle trilogy. It is also fantasy, and it is also set in a non-modern setting. Weirdly, one of the characters in GD also is nearly forced into a marriage to much older man from which she tries to escape (though it isn't Gemma, it's a different character, Pippa). So yeah, if you ever want to get this published OR post it on some fiction share site, a name change might be in order. You don't have to of course, but the first thing I thought of when I read her name was "Oh, hey, Gemma Doyle fanfiction! Oh no wait... it isn't... my bad..."

    #2: You need to vary your sentence structure. Every time you have somebody speak you write:

    "blahdy blah blah blah" he said

    OR

    "Bloo dee bloo bloo bloo dee" exclaimed the girl.

    This gets boring. You can also write it like:

    He looked her over, smirking at her torn dress. "fa la la la la la."

    OR EVEN

    "Da da doom dee dum"

    Switch it up. You don't (and shouldn't) always put "what the person is speaking in quotes and then" he said (or some other past tense verb) after that.

    #3: You really do need to edit before you post stuff. I get that spelling is evil (I hate it too), but make your work as pretty (and easy as read) as possible before you try and get reviews. We'll take you much more seriously if all (or most) of your spelling and grammar is in order. Now yours isn't as bad as some, but a simple spell check on most word documents would have caught quite a few of these errors. It's easy, makes you look better, and makes your reviewer feel like you're trying hard to present them with a good product.

    #4: The characters... oh the characters. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a feisty, beautiful girl who lives in a time when women were expected to marry for the good of the family but has a personality that means she always speaks her mind is nothing new. In fact, it is a bit of a cliche. Now, that doesn't mean it can't work (some of my favorite authors have used this character type once or twice), but it means you have to work at least twice as hard at everything else to make the story fresh and original. You have to keep a close eye on that. Or it will become one giant cliche. Which nobody wants. Likewise, a kind and noble boy who is much more similar to a modern way of thinking (such as understanding that a girl is crazy and not actually a witch) instead of thinking like a normal boy in his time period, is a cliche. Yes, even one who trains dragons. Maybe especially one who trains dragons.

    #5: So, I'm guessing this Leo is going to fall in love with Emma? Judging by the fact that he's already referring to her as an "angel"? So basically, he loves her... for her looks... just like every other guy... who she DOESN'T want to marry... huh. Well that... doesn't work so well. Now if I'm wrong about that, I apologize, but if that is indeed the direction you're going please, just don't. When a guy first sees a girl and immediately starts calling her "the angel" or saying she looks like said creature, and then ends up falling in love with her, it has unfortunate implications for most. And it's cheesy factor is through the roof. Also, if he saves her from his brutish comrades... same deal. Cheesy. Be careful as a 13 year old writing romance. Unless you are incredibly mature for your age, I'm guessing most of your knowledge of such comes from TV/movies/books, or possible one or two boyfriends (which, at 13, do not carry the same impact as boy or girlfriends later on). Write what you know. If you don't know romance, don't try and force yourself to write it. It will come off poorly.

    #6: So, for a first attempt at writing a novel, this actually isn't too bad. especially at 13. And if you want to continue writing (either as a career or just for fun), then it's good to start now and get in the practice. Just make sure you understand that the possiblity of you getting your first novel published at 13 (or even 14, 15, 16, etc) is very slim. Because yes, for a long time, your writing just won't be that awesome. Like everything else, it takes practice to get good at it. So as long as you approach this as "for fun" or "for practice", you should be fine. Don't worry about getting a big book published until you're a bit older and can do some of the fine tuning.

    Source(s): You clearly have some ideas, you've got a few pretty dang good bits of writing in there as well. As you keep writing, you'll begin to get an idea of what works and what doesn't and start self editing a bit. But for now, it's good for your age, a very good place to start, and certainly good enough to show friends and family (if you so choose), so don't in any way think I'm saying it's terrible and you should never ever sow it to anybody, it just isn't publishable right now. Which is perfectly normal and fine for your first try at novel writing at the age of 13 (or even your third or fourth try at novel writing at any age. It takes practice, more for some then others).
  • 5 years ago

    I might pick to be a creator. Just on account that a million) Im too unpleasant to be an actress and a pair of) I might love to paintings from my possess dwelling, in my possess atmosphere. But if you're optimistic at performing, and love writing, why no longer do each, it's flawlessly viable :D Either means, well success along with your profession xxx

  • ?
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Haha, it sounds exactly like the story I wrote when I was thirteen.

    That being said, its a little cliche. Its predictable, overdone. Its so typical for a fantasy princess to run away from a forced marriage, even though its so common in that period. Let me guess, she falls in love with Leo? Perhaps they want to get married but he's too common so its forbidden? Or they join a rebellion down the line??? One of those other fantasies cliches, perhaps?

    I think its good, but I think its cliche.

    Good luck :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Oh I loved it!! Keep writing, but the title will come at last. Thats what my teacher always told us.

    Make her fall in love with Robert and him with her! If you want! but i liked it and it makes sense and everything :D

    Good Luck!!! :D

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