Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Society & CultureReligion & Spirituality · 10 years ago

Best horoscope message ever?

(From the Onion newspaper, May 25th, 2010)

"LIBRA

Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week."

Update:

Check out their other horoscopes too. They're funny.

Update 3:

@JTS@ If I really believed in astrology, do you think I'd be getting horoscopes from the Onion?

14 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    cross out week and type in "always."

    Horoscopes need to be no-scoped.

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  • 10 years ago

    I hope you don't really believe in these things. They are all so vague and could pertain to anyone. Some people will insist they are accurate. That's because they want them to be accurate. It makes them feel good to think they can know what the future holds. In psychology class, our teacher gave us all a horoscope supposedly meant for just us. We couldn't share our papers. He asked how many thought it was accurate, and just about everyone raised their hand. He then let us know that all of our papers had the same exact horoscope prediction on them.

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  • 10 years ago

    Wow, they were so accurate!

    June 1 - Aries

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.

    June 8 Aries

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.

    Creepy!

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    In 1985, I was sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper one evening.

    My husband;'s horoscope said that he would be getting money from a relative that day.

    We laughed about it, since none of our relatives have any real money, and if they did, they wouldn't be giving it to us.

    Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang.

    It was my husband's brother.

    He came to repay $300 that he had borrowed several months before.

    We had forgotten that we had loaned it to him.

    Cool.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Astrology Forbidden to Christians Fortune telling and astrology are lumped together with other forbidden practices as sorcery and are abominable to God. Christians must not participate in these practices. The Bible is clear. Those who continue doing these things, will find themselves left out of God’s kingdom. “Outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.” See also Revelation 21:8 and Galatians 5: 19 – 21.

    Source(s): Camille horrorscopes are demonic
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  • KitKat
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    I love The Onion!

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  • brb
    Lv 4
    10 years ago

    today's aquarius: Don’t assume that other people have your best interests at heart because they may not. Be diligent about giving them clear and concise instructions and check that they follow them.\

    doesn't that thought run through everyone's mind 10x's a day?

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  • 10 years ago

    o yes i like the onion's horoscopes they're funny. ug so annoying that it's summer, i dont' get to go down to campus to pick it up!

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Listen to this song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIVeyTG9KB0

    Youtube thumbnail

    The lyrics pertain to humorous horoscopes.

    Source(s): WWHMJD? HE WOULD ROCK!!! Thou shalt turn thy music UP!
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  • 10 years ago

    Do something about your life, the stars are just that, stars, they don't even talk or communicate in any way.

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