Is this a good preface?

I was thinking of using this as a preface for a novel I would like to write. Does anyone have any constructive criticism or tips? does it make sense? Would you like to read on?

“Okay, now fold those over, and ta-da you have a paper crane.” I smiled and looked at Aurora, hoping she had finally picked up the instructions and folded a crane.

No, I looked and her amber eyes just seemed to flood with confusion.

“Bane how do you know how to do everything?” She scrunched her eyebrows together, crumpling a metallic purple piece of origami paper.

“Don’t be stupid, I can’t do everything.” I handed her the metallic green crane I just folded, she took it.

I looked at her she set the crane down on my kitchen table, sunk down in the high backed black chair, and sighed. I examined her facial expression, and could tell right away she was feeling inadequate. I hated to make her feel that way she was after all my best friend. Nothing I could do could stop her from feeling that way though it seemed she was always too hard on herself I knew she always felt bad about being a normal human. I looked at her head of hot chocolate colored perfect curls, by looking you could never tell she wasn’t a werewolf, she looked like the rest of her pack. She was upon physical examination a member of the Ash pack, just not a werewolf she’s a human girl born to a werewolf dad and a psychic mom. Her siblings are all werewolves as well. So am I, along with pretty much everyone else in this restricted living forest. (By restricted living I mean it’s set by the government for people like me… well “mythical” creatures I mean).

“Aurora, what do you wanna do now?” I asked wishing nothing more than to stop her bad feelings.

“I don’t know just go home I guess.”

“Alright then,” I stood up holding out my hand, “ready to take a ride on the Bane train?” I smiled crookedly.

She took my hand, “Can you please stop saying that it’s just weird.”

“I thought it was pretty catchy.” I positioned her on my back piggyback style.

“You ready Rory?”

“Yeah.” Her grip tightened around my neck, I felt kind of like melting… I was after all totally in love with her.

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Too many run-on sentences. They never stopped and it was really difficult to read. Eliminate the parenthetical explanation. Find another way to explain it or don't explain at all.

    As a general rule, prefaces, prologues etc. are completely unnecessary. This is also the case here. It's probably best to start with some kind of action or conflict. There's none of that here, so there's no reason for me to continue reading.

    All the exposition here would be better presented gradually. For example, instead of telling us she has a werewolf dad and a psychic mom, show it to us by taking us to her house and letting us see her parents and how they act.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's kinda boring.I don't really wanna read on.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    ....

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