Sapphire R asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 10 years ago

How is my renga so far?

I am trying to write a Japanese renga poem (20 verses). It is meant to be a collab poem but I am writing it by myself. Have I got the syllables ok - I'm not sure if the site I used for syllable counters was right or not

:)

Tepid pond water

Reflecting the smile on your face

Water ripples swirl.

Little birds dance in circles

Chirping songs pierce the silence.

Lots of laughing people

Run through the woods through this summer

A magic season.

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  • 10 years ago
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    Hi Sapphire! ;-)

    I presume you are writing a Nijuin Renku? Renku took over from renga once Basho started writing them. I still tend to use the term "renga" as it's better known as the term for linked verse, but the correct term is renku.

    Renku verses are very short, and as the Japanese language systems (plural) are very different and don't contain an alphabet like the West, it's a mistake to get caught up into syllable counting.

    Also it's best if you don't capitalise everything, and do away with periods as each verse has a subtle link with the next verse.

    Also because you are concentrating on a syllable count you will tend to miss things like the fact you have stated water twice in your first verse.

    It's better if it's something simpler and shorter e.g.

    pond water

    the smile on your face

    as ripples swirl

    In the second verse if you could name the type of birds it would be a stronger verse e.g.

    Pied-billed Grebe Grèbe

    dance their song in circles

    You will notice that your third verse has extra syllables i.e. 6/8/5

    and the verse carries too much personal comment, plus you have commented on a season twice i.e. summer and "magic season".

    Lots of laughing people

    Run through the woods through this summer

    A magic season.

    Better to keep it simple and non-commentary, plus the third verse is traditionally a moon verse which automatically indicates the Fall/Autumn e.g.

    a group of people

    with their laughter

    chasing the moon

    I would go for a non-seasonal general verse and then follow with two non-seasonal love verses, and just have fun! ;-)

    All the verses except for the first verse are run on sentences, and very simple.

    Source(s): The Poetry School nijuin renku that I led: http://www.poetryschool.com/ppoems/poems/21.pdf With Words: http://www.withwords.org.uk RENGA: splicing spontaneity into your writing: http://area17.blogspot.com/2010/04/renga-splicing-...
  • 3 years ago

    Reflecting the smile in your face (will have to be 7 syllables; you will have eight) "Reflecting your smiling face" (You would positioned a few connection with the moon and vegetation as an alternative of it handling human sexuality, so: "Roses explode in moonlight") Lots of giggling folks (has simplest 6 syllables, so: "Very many folks snigger") Run by way of the woods by way of this summer season (has eight syllables, so: "Lightening moves lift summer season woods")

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