? asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 10 years ago

Dad informed late regarding wedding?

On May 15th, my daughter and her boyfriend whom she has been living with for 6 months with a 1 year distant dating relationship arrive at my home. We have casual conversation. Then they ask "What is your true opinion about us getting married?" Being a dad, I suggest premarital counseling etc to insure that these two 23 year old are truly ready for a life long commitment and really know each other. The conversation continues and we ask, if her divorced mom knew about the engagement. She explains she knew for a while. Keep in mind that my daughter lived with me primarily during her youth. My current wife left the room because she has processed that our future young couple knew they were engaged along time ago. I hug my daughter to tell her great, happy for you etc. Deep down I'm hurt because I know there is more to the story. No she is not pregnant. My youngest daughter phones me angry because the future wedded daughter didn't like what I had to say. The youngest daughter proceeds to tell me that there is a date, time, place, and location of this marriage that I'm suppose to be at in two months. Meaning, Everyone knew the proposal was on February 2nd and the wedding is August 15th. I'm truly hurt, betrayed, and really don't feel like going because these two 23 year old knew the date, time, place, before they asked for my true opinion. My daughter to have the marriage explains that she was not to single me out or preventing me from coming however wants me to be there. She tells me she has been trying to drop in to tell me face to face. No phone call or level of importance that any of this took place by these two soon to be married so called adults. I had no idea that they were visiting for that as they have visited in the past by just dropping in with nothing real important to discuss. No communication that this was a very "important" meeting. What do I do? Go or Not go? I feel like a third wheel vs. someone of importance and I don't like to fake the smile to show support for something that needs some premarital guidance way before the walk down the aisle. Am I wrong not to go? I mean, I am truly hurt by the turn of events and will be even more hurt that this so called marriage will truly end in divorce as they both come from divorce backgrounds. I just can't do this by the sequence of events. I've tried negotiating that they attend premarital counsel for 6 to 9 months with someone that is going to dig deep into the logical issues. Then I would more apt to support this marriage when the licensed counselor gives their approval. My daughter, 23, asks me what does logical mean? Then I knew, she was not ready. I can't be fake, I can't act like I support this wedding, any bright ideas on what to say or do? I'm loosing some sleep over this.

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Yes she should have informed you shortly after being engaged and made you aware of the plans all along. Perhaps part of her thought you would disapprove and this is why its taken her this long.

    But, its petty to not go to the wedding, this is your daughter after all, and whether or not you approve just based on their age and that they wont go to couples counseling first you should still support this choice she is making and be there for her. If you don't go, this is going to cause a great strain on the relationship you have with her and ultimately be something you likely would regret not doing.

    Yes you are hurt but two wrongs don't make a right. Not going to the wedding isn't just about disapproval to some extent its also an act of revenge (which it seems this isn't the case but to others it could come off that way)

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  • 10 years ago

    I dont understand why she was so hesitant to tell you about the marriage? Did she think you would no support them, and thats why they waited so long and then even then did it in a half-hearted way? Prior to this, did you have a good relationship with them?

    Either your support means something to them or it doesnt. I have a feeling that they dont really care what you think. If they are adults they surely dont need their parents approval, however, their half-hearted treatment shows they are quite immature.

    Although I can see your point of view, I think 6 months of premarital counseling is a bit much. Usually it is just a few a sessions, like 1 or 5 sessions.

    Of course you should still go to the wedding but I think you should also try to make this right with them. Just ask your daughter why they didnt tell you about the wedding time and location on that day? Ask her if there is some reason she doesnt want you to come. Regardless of what happens, you may regret it later if you dont attend the wedding. So do your best to attend, and keep in mind they are adults and ultimately... dont need your approval. So the ball is in your court. The wedding is happening whether you are there or not.

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  • Blunt
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    What's done is done. They are going to get married whether you like it or not, she is an adult and can do as she pleases. Perhaps she was scared of you reaction (and rightfully so) as you seem not happy for her and want to embarrass her by trowing a fit and sabotaging the day by not attending.

    You role is to be supportive of your children. She is happy and getting married and you need to get over yourself and put your ego aside. You did what you could to raise her and she is an adult now. You cannot control her actions anymore. You cannot force them into counseling or expect them to postpone their nuptials just because you said so. You do not live with her, nor have any right to impose orders on your adult, grown daughter.

    My advice is to wish her best and support her. Attend with a smile on your face and be helpful, charming and selfless. It is not fair to her to reflect your own issues on her and to tag her with YOUR baggage, she is a different human being than you.

    Sure, counseling seems to be a great idea, but there is no time for that, leave alone 6 months worth. Most couples go to just one session, maybe two. They have made up their minds and they are getting married. Making it about you and your issues and sabotaging her day is not going to make her happier or more successful. If you want to be part of your daughter's life, I suggest you attend and leave your comments to yourself.

    Good luck

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  • 4 years ago

    It's interesting that he made the effort to ask to see you now, when he didn't even talk to you hardly, in September. Is it possible that he is trying to develop a relationship now? You know him and I don't, so I can't answer that. Basically I'd say that if he isn't rude or destructive, let the kids see him, if it's convenient. If it's not convenient, it doesn't seem to me that it's essential.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    thats kinda jerky of her, i agree. i would try to talk to her more, tell her about the marriage counseling. tell her how to truthfully feel because if in the end she does end up getting divorced (i hope it doesnt happen but just for insurance) you dont want her to not come to you. i know it sounds backwards but she isnt gonna want to show up on your doorstep for you to say to her 'told you so'. if that were me, i wouldnt even come around you becasue i knew you never were happy with my decisions.

    now maybe everything works out and it ends up fine.

    but i would talk to her and her fiance and try to ask them to go to counseling. if they dont want to hear it, just be as supportive as you can.

    im sorry it went like this.

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  • 10 years ago

    Grow up Dad. She's the kid, you are the Dad. Kids do dumb things. Dad's love and support them anyway. Go to the wedding and wear your BIG BOY SUIT.

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