A good first paragraph for a teen novel?

I'm 15 and hoping to write a series of fantasy/thriller novels...I was wondering if the first paragraph was any good?

Ada hated London. After three painful weeks living with her uncle in the concrete jungle of Islington, she was finally making her way home to the Kentish town of Ashford. The train journey would be over in under an hour, and Ada and her Uncle (as well as her Aunt Hema, their three daughters and two grandsons) would arrive at Ashford International station at ten o'clock at night. To pass the time, Ada plugged in her headphones and studied the passengers of the train. Her uncle snored gently with his hands resting on the pot belly that rose and fell every time he breathed. Her aunt and cousins were trying to coax the wide-awake children to fall asleep. A young woman with pale blonde hair flicked through a magazine. A group of teenagers in tracksuits shared crude comments and burst into laughter every twenty seconds. All in all, a rather boring lot.

Then Ada saw her.

Her mouth fell open, a mixture of envy and wonder at the vision of perfection that sat opposite her. As Ada's black eyes met the girl's clear green ones a strange feeling stirred in the pit of her stomach. The feeling shot up through her spine and into the back of her head, the pain slowly squeezing her forehead. Ada tore her eyes away from the girl's face, and the non-existant hands that pulled at her brain ceased to exist.

Of course it's not gramatically perfect or anything, but it's a start (:

What do you think?

Thanks in advance :D

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    maybe in a crumby mood today...dont feel defensive.

    if ada is traveling with aunt , uncle and cousins, then why dont you tell the reader about them...if they are not important to the story....then why mention them at all?

    you say ada "studied" the passengers but you barely describe them and casually label them as boring...why . why should i take ada's word as true....may be she's got issues and only looks down on others......

    why is the girl a vision of perfection?........get that you are building the suspence....but so far i dont have much to go on as far as why i should beleive or care about ada....

    a good begining though, i do want to know why ada has such a strong reaction to the girl.....

    think you should tell more about ada though..........why does she hate london? you dont tell the reader.....if it doesn't matter, then dont tell the reader......

    only an opinion......

  • 1 decade ago

    I really like your writing - the story is just flowing. It's easy to read and catches readers attention immediately! I thing it'll end up as a great story! (if you publish it,tell me so i could read the rest ;))

    Good luck! ^ ^

  • 1 decade ago

    WOW! It seems amazing, will you post the rest of it somewhere too? I'd really love to read it :) wow, great job! Keep it up, good luck! :)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    WOW SOUNDS GREAT i REALLY LIKE IT ALOT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. I'M A WRITER TOO.

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