How is my book so far?
Its the first chapter. All constrctive critism would be appriciated.
A black bird soared past my window, contrasting against the orange and purple sky. I think it was a crow, but it was too swift to be a crow. Its voice wasn’t much of a caw either, more of a masculine chirp. He bird sang me a song off in the distance as he flew away. For the brief glance I saw of it, I assumed it was a mighty bird, big and royal and broad, with wings gliding with the wind like a parasail.
I sighed. Boxes outlined my small room; I was all packed to leave Los Angeles tomorrow. The only thing that lay in my room was my mattress, a sheet, and my laptop. I was on the third story of our apartment building, the tallest of the floors. I stared out my window sternly, taking in one of my last looks of the city.
Bright lights and tall busy buildings ran through the city. Noisy cars zoomed their way through the streets. The street lights were just turning on, faintly lighting up the dim highways.
California was a truly beautiful place. Some people might call L.A ghetto, but their wrong. Sure, there is the Slater-slum part of the county, but for the most part it is suburban houses and apartments. I went to a wealthy school, belonging to a wealthy school district. There were no drug deals or loss of virginity at Spring View Middle School; it’s just a bunch of intelligent kids. Innocent, not ghetto, kids.
There sat my laptop in front of me, balancing on the thick, flat, windowsill. I was typing in my Microsoft locked journal, locked meaning secured with a password so no one could read the content. Today, I was expressing my hatred towards my ignorant father for making me move to Colorado.
My Diary Entry:
I cannot believe my dad right now. I hate the stupidity of his wanting to move to Colorado. What was wrong with California? Oh yea, nothing. Moving is for his own pleasure, his own needs. I don’t think he even thought of the effects it would have on my life. New home means new school, and new school means new friends. He KNOWS how hard it is for me to make friends, especially for a typical shy 13 year old like me. I just—I’m so confused. I have a perfect life here, and it’s SUMMER! Who would want to spend summer moving, and unpacking?! My goodness, is my life going downhill or what? Goodbye California.
I exited out of Word and shut my computer down. The sky faded from orange to navy, though it was far from dark outside. Streetlights and car lights and lights from building windows flooded the outdoors.
Slowly, I pulled the blinds closed and pulled open my sheet so I could slip into my mattress. I lay down and got comfy, well, as comfy as I could get on a lumpy and scratchy six-year-old mattress. A yawn took over me and suddenly sleepiness fell upon me. Stretching, I fell limp on my pillow, my eyes fluttering shut for the night.
Its not real. Its just, my creativity. So far this is all i got, and i want all the help i could get so.. keep answering people, i really REALLY really appriciate it.
- dinoguy535Lv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
Just a couple of things:
- "A black bird soared past my window, contrasting against the orange and purple sky". Instead of saying "contrasting against", say "cutting against". You don't need to say contrasting, the audience can understand that black contrasts essentially against any color.
- "I think it was a crow, but it was too swift to be a crow." If you don't think it was a crow, don't say it was a crow. Just call it a bird. Say something like "I wasn't sure if the black bird was a crow or not".
- "For the brief glance I saw of it, I assumed it was a mighty bird, big and royal and broad, with wings gliding with the wind like a parasail." Don't tell us you assume the bird's shape, because while you achieve objectivity in your narrator, you also distance the reader and lose connection. Furthermore, as a narrator, everything in their narrative is subject to (and sometimes often is) their own opinion. So you could just say "it was a mighty bird..." so on and so forth. If the narrator THINKS that's what the bird looks like, then that's what it looks life. If you say "i assume its a mighty bird..." then you begin to hint there's a third party moderating that person's speech, almost correcting them so they're not "wrong". Remember, fiction isn't about what's right and wrong; it's your world, do with it what you want.
- "I was typing in my Microsoft locked journal, locked meaning secured with a password so no one could read the content." Don't come off as condescending to the reader- you'll lose them. And this passage screams condescending. Readers aren't stupid; they can get what you're saying it without having to explain it to them as if they were children. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to be real with you. Reword this so you don't come off that way, or just say it's a locked journal; I think people will get the point either way.
- Take out the part where you say "My Diary Entry:". If you just put in the diary journal, readers will get it.
Overall, it's not too bad. It's mostly description, and therefore you've got to be a little more flowery with it. Here are my overall notes:
First of all, your timing and paragraph spacing are good; don't change those.
Secondly, watch your grammar. "Some people might call L.A ghetto, but their wrong" utilizes the wrong "their" word. use "they're", as in "They are". Otherwise, this sentence says something like "some people might call LA ghetto, but it is their wrongness." which sounds awful.
Thirdly, try not to write your sentences so they contradict themselves or repeat. "I went to a wealthy school, belonging to a wealthy school district. " Honestly, if you tell me separately that you go to either a wealthy school or live in a wealthy district, I can assume everything else. I don't need ya to tell me everything ;)
Overall, not too bad. Just keep working on it. Always keep writing!
- Anonymous4 years ago
Favorite so far: Order of the Phoenix, because of Dumbledore's Army and the underground resistance to Umbridge's attempts to micromanage Hogwarts into the ground. Least favorite: Chamber of Secrets. I don't like this one as much because Ginny comes off as a ditz with a schoolgirl crush on Harry and a complete patsy for being possessed by Voldemort. And as we learn in the later books, she's got a lot more common sense and skill than she's given credit for here.
- 1 decade ago
There is some truly subliminal mind damage that you are trying to push on the community. I am not that smart and I still get it
If its real then get away and get help
if its fake then you are the sublime muse of Dan Brown and should continue on to booker prize glory