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? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Please tell me if you like my story or not?

Im writing, well trying to write a book about a girl named Maya who is in a vampire-killing group its a secret group. The only people who know about it is her, her roommate Wen and the people in the group. The twist i want to put in the story is when she meets and secretly falls in love with a vampire named Phillip and in a moment of romance he accidentally changes her when they do the whole exchanging blood thing. so tell me what you think so far, its before they meet.

I ran through the forest as fast as I could. My bare feet blasting with pain from sharp rocks and broken tree branches. I held the stake hard enough for the rough wood to splinter my fingers. I had cuts and rips in my white night gown. I kept running trying to keep quiet from the killers. I stopped flat in the middle of the woods and layed my hand against the biggest tree in the forest. The tree was beautiful, the leafs full and lush, the trunk had a burnt spiral going around the trunk which I always found intriging. I pulled my hand with a stake up to my chest, sharp end out and turned my body fast. I heard a slight crunch as it sliced through the heart of the vampire. I let go. The vampire fell to its death on the damp ground. I went down on one knee to retreive my stake. I stood up straight and wiped off my gown. "What a night." I whispered and headed back to my home.

Wen was sitting on the backporch reading her JR Hepp mystery novels and her cat Minki was in her lap purring happly. I stretched my legs out and walked up the steps. "How was it?" Wen asked, her green eyes coming up from the book. I shrugged and stalked inside sleepily. I switched off the kitchen light and headed up to my room. I've been living with Wen since my family died in an attack. We have been best friends since elementary school when she moved here from Japan nearly 7 years ago. We are both 19 and struggling to find a job to pay the house. The salary im making from terminating bloodsuckers is not enough.

I turned the knob to my room and turned on the light. I forgot what a mess it was. Notebooks and files covered my bed and clothes were spread all across my floor. I picked up the stuff on my bed and put them on my computer desk. Just as I layed on my bed my computer beeped. New e-mail. I sat up and slid over to my computer and opened the e-mail.

Date: June 8, 2009

Sender: Jonah Hawke <jhawke21002@rydermail.nic>

Reciever Maya Nowell <ladybugmay3323@rydermail.nic>

Subject: Case files

Maya,

Meet at the old development tomorrow night at 10. New case information on the murders in Rodelle. Dont be late.

Jonah

I closed the e-mail and layed back in bed. I was too tired to deal with any of this. I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I woke up at 7:00 a.m. to silence. I usually woke up to Wen screaming at Minki for scratching the carpet, couch and going to the bathroom in the wrong places. But no sound was made. I sat up and pulled out tangles in my hair with my fingers. I pulled the covers off me and stood up. The floor squeaked so i tip toed to my closet and pulled out some jeans and a slipknot t-shirt I stole from my brother before he died.

please tell me if you think its good and what it needs to be better thank you(:

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's a very interesting story and I really would like to read more. My only complaint would be you using the word "I" so much. It sounds a little robotic, if that makes any sense. I'm going to knit pick on the last paragraph. For example, when you write "I usually woke up to Wen screaming at Minki for scratching the carpet, couch and going to the bathroom in the wrong place." You might think about writing, " My normal wake-up call would be hearing Wen screaming at Minki for scratching the carpet, couch and going to the bathroom in the wrong place. But no sound was made." and instead of "I sat up and pulled out tangles in my hair with my fingers." Maybe write "As I sat up I began pulling tangles from my hair with my fingers. Pulling the covers off I stood up."~~ I really am not an expert at all, but I have read quite afew books. I'm really interested in your story. I really hope I'm not offending you. Best of luck! Very interested in hearing when she meets Phillip...and the whole changing her thing.lol~

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  • 4 years ago

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  • 1 decade ago

    I love the story line/plot idea, the only thing i would change is your sentences seem a little short and choppy, makes it hard to just let it flow and read. But other than that, really good :)

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You need to practice being descriptive and rewrite this later.

    You need to give more information on the setting.

    You need to give more meaning to your words. Metaphors help a lot.

    You need to slow this down and explain more.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Google.com =P

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