Is it cheating if it's online, and can I be forgiven?

I had an 'emotional affair', and only when we've been broken up. Whenever we are together I ignore the online person. However, I have never told my partner about the online person... the online person is threatening to send our messages to my BF, whom I love more than the world. The reason I've broken up with my BF is because he lied to me about drugs 3 times, so I felt it was.. reasonable for me to do what I did. Now I see that it was not.. help? I don't want to lose my forever partner over something so stupid. The emails we exchanged were pretty bad, but I thought nothing of it since to me online = same as porn. No see/touch, no cheat. People are telling me otherwise now and it's eating me alive.. opinions on how to resolve situation without losing my baby?

Update:

Oh.. when I say "my baby" Im referring to my boyfriend. I don't actually have a baby. And no, I was not emotionally involved with Mr. Online, but he seemed to be with me ( even though he talks to MANY other girls online), so I don't know if he was just using me as his emotional outlet as well. I think I did it because I was trying to break away from Mr. Druggie, but didn't have the heart to do it.. I've dropped my pride and decided to stay with him no matter what a little too late. He deserves better than a girl who would talk to someone else online anyway.. thanks for your answers. They helped a lot .

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Deja Vu all over again. I've seen this question about 100 times over the years.

    Quick and dirty answer. If you're talking to or seeing someone while you're broken up, and ignore that other person when you're back together; that's not cheating. Its not anything.

    Frankly you're not married to your boyfriend at all and so if you broke up, where is there written anywhere that you have to be faithful to someone you're no longer seeing. Nowhere.

    Second and more importantly, have you ever considered the hurt and pain you put on this other guy? I mean the reason why he's threatening to tell your boyfriend about your online flirting is because you led the other guy on. That's just plain unfair! So now he feels used and kicked to the curb. So he wants to hurt you to make you feel his pain.

    If you want to date someone new, then don't lead them on and use them, only to throw them away when you're love of your life comes back. That's rude and immature. Its also hurtful and misleading.

    You were dealing with another human being, not a computer. And when you use people for emotional support and then throw them away when you think you don't need them anymore; then you're being selfish and hurtful to the other person, and you're showing a complete lack of respect for their feelings as a human being.

    Frankly, you're feeling "guilty" and so you want to get rid of this other guy so you can relieve the pain of YOUR guilt, not the pain you inflicted on your druggie boyfriend. He deserves the pain for being a druggie and forgetting about his girlfriend's and child's needs and thinking of his own selfish wants (not needs) that is drugs.

    I would suggest that you think about this other guy and start apologizing to him for hurting him. Then ask him kindly to not hurt your boyfriend by threatening to contact him as you've told your boyfriend about your online affair.

    And maybe, try being good to that guy, the one you hurt. He didn't do anything but support you when you needed him. What did you do? Dump him.

    Finally, might I make a suggestion. If your boyfriend keeps lying about drug use, maybe that's a sign to let him go finally and tell him to hit the bricks.

    I hate to say this, but your boyfriend uses you, and you use someone else. Then its a vicious cycle and the other guy is the first you run to when trouble comes up, and the first one to be dumped when the trouble disappears.

    People who use drugs are immature and selfish. You probably see that in your boyfriend; and your boyfriend has a lot to do with your philandering on line with other guys.

    Obviously this other guy got hurt because your boyfriend couldn't control his drug habit, was selfish, and used you. And now the other guy's been hurt a third time. Have you ever thought about what you did to that guy?

    Think about it. Next time you break up with your boyfriend, I would suggest that you make it permanent and not ask anyone else to invest in you emotionally for their sake. Be fair to the people you flirt with. Don't sell false hope. Its cruel especially if that guy was lonely and needed companionship.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    If you were broken up, how's it cheating? Was there any discussion about continuing to be exclusive each time you 'broke up'? Sounds to me like you feel guilty because you carried these emotional feelings even during times that you were together. If that's really the case, then you need to tell him and ask for forgiveness. It sounds like you've forgiven him for some of his actions. No one is perfect and we can't change the past.

    I'm not saying "two wrongs, make a right", but maybe it's a chance for both of you to talk about why there has been deception on both sides and make a clean start. If you can work through these problems together, your relationship will be even stronger. However, either way you cannot carry this burden around as it is eating you up inside.

    Good Luck

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    You weren't with your partner so really whatever you did when you were not with him is not cheating. I don't think that it's right when people are together if one person has an emotional affair but you were not with anyone. When alone we need people and that is very normal. I don't know how your partner would react to it but really you have done nothing wrong and you didn't even have sex with anyone else. If you could, telling your partner would be better then you would not feel as bad if the other person told.

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  • .
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    .He repeatedly lied to you about drugs but he's your "baby" that you don't want to lose? You chose to retaliate by cheating online, but you love him? Perhaps you should more closely evaluate why you feel you love someone who would lie to you, possibly has a drug problem, and whom you thought so little of that you cheated on (and thus hurt your online "friends" feelings why leading him on then going back to your boyfriend).

    That you are feeling guilt and have a conscience is a good thing. Perhaps it will help you make better decisions in the future, now that you know what it feels like to betray someone you care about. The bigger issue you need to consider is why you think this is the right relationship for you...is it because it's what you are used to and you fear being single or is THIS person really someone you want to share your life with for the foreseeable future?

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  • 10 years ago

    I go with softouch's answer. U hurt that man online. Its takin 4ever to get my boyfriend to trust me 'cause his ex treated him like Ur doin to that online guy. Ur boyfriend sounds like a real loser. Id throw a doper out without askin any questions.

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  • 10 years ago

    I understand women cheat for emotional reasons. Yes, I think even though it was online it is still cheating. Just talk to your BF and explain to him what you were going through. It's better you tell him then he find out through this other guy. If things don't workout it wasn't meant to be. So just come clean so you don't stress. Stress isn't healthy. Best of Luck!!

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Yes, cheating online is still cheating. However, if you two were broken up when this happened, then no, it is NOT cheating. You can not cheat on a bf you do not have.

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  • 10 years ago

    I am with DantheMan.... the three drug lies are worth much more consideration. Yes, you were in a tough spot, and yes onlineman helped you out, but replacing one problem with another has only given you two problems... He needs to hear it from you, no lies, otherwise you are treating your BF the same way he treated you - and that caused it's own problems...

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  • Jackie
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    What stupid thing? What your husband did, the drugs, or what you did, the cheating? If your bf keeps doing drugs, you will loose him forever anyway. If you were so in love with your bf, then why did you cheat on line?

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  • 10 years ago

    He lied 3 times about drugs? You've got a baby? Not a good mix.

    To answer your question, yeah it's a kind of cheating. And porn is a kind of cheating. Sure, there was no actual contact, but you replaced your BF with this other dude to fill your needs. That's cheating.

    But seriously... rethink your position here with 3x drug liar.

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