How to deal with a transgender friend?
Now I must get into some detail as to clear up why I am asking this question. I’ve been good friends with this person for about six years now. I came out to him about me being bisexual and he in turn told me he felt he was in the wrong body. So we talked about it over the course of a few years. I supported him in all of his choices and tried to help him make the best choices on his road of becoming a woman. Now that we’re roughly two years into the process there has been a dramatic change in personality. This was expected, I knew there would be highs and lows because the process takes a huge toll. However now she just treats everyone like garbage. The whole world absolutely has to revolve around her. No one can be right unless it happens to be from her prospective. She exemplifies all of the negative stereotypes of both transgender people and women. The personality change went from laid back punk rocker to being what I can only sum up as a stuck up diva. If any of you are familiar to a person by the name of Jeffery Star and know his stage personality, that’s more or less the type of persona my friend has taken on. I just don’t know how to go about telling her that she’s driving everyone around her away by treating everyone horribly. Do I try to mind her feelings and put it gently or do I just lay it all out on the table and be blunt about it? I know this is more of a rant than an actual question but it’s something that’s been bothering me. Also while I’m at it has anyone ever been through this with someone they know, if so how did you handle it? Thanks for reading I look forward to reading your responses ^_^
- StretfordEnderLv 710 years ago
I know two similar people who became women and they do exactly the same.
One is on the defensive all the time and stares at people - who are not staring at her - as if she expects them to have "read" her and disapprove of what they see when they have actually done nothing of the sort. She is an absolute pain and is always on the phone whinging about things that are merely in her head.
The other sues people on a regular basis if she thinks they have discriminated against her because she was transgendered. She has spent over £30,000 on additional treatments to look more feminine but she certainly doesn't act like it.
Both of them think that the world revolves around them and that people have nothing else to do but make them victims. They really do give people who were transgendered a bad name. If only they would realise how they come across but no amount of advice changes their behaviour.
By all means try and have a talk with this person to see if it will do any good. She needs to slow down and lighten up. She also needs to realise that using the fact that she is is transgendered as a subsitute for other issues she has not addressed. Try a gentle approach first but go on to be blunt if you have to. Do it for your friends sake.
The vast majority of pre or post-op TS women are not like this but there is always the exception which proves the rule.
- Anonymous10 years ago
Yes but not with the whole transgender thing.
When I first met my friend Clarissa, she was a very mild mannered, meek person who was very sensible and nice. However one day all of that changed, she became abrupt, selfish, miserable and half-arsed. She turned into a fashion diva and started squandering money needlessly on dresses and shoes. It was so weird. We remained friends because she was still Clarissa and she was still the same person inside to me, but outside she turned into a barbie and a Princess.
You can't change them though, once they've changed that's it. There's just no point!
- polargirl360Lv 410 years ago
You sound like another obnoxious queer that conflates their sexual orientation struggles with transsexual women's medical condition or at the very least treats it as an identical struggle. This kind of arrogance is what has alienated and inflamed African-Americans against white gays when they so obnoxiously try to compare there struggles as equally harsh. Complaining about civil inequality from a rich neighborhood like Greenwich Village or the Castro District to African Americans in poor neighborhoods like East New York and East Oakland than having the gall to compare struggles as equal for bonding and unity's sake will definitely do that!
As a bi-sexual guy, you get to conceal your sexual orientation when it is convenient, even to gays never mind heterosexuals. Your friend on the other hand does not have that luxury. She has to deal with depravity and cruelty beyond imagination for most people. Giving a list of examples would be beyond the scope of my answer.
There also is the factor that bisexuals, with their fetishistic 3rd gender attractions to transsexual women are relationally disrespecting them to the point of debasement. Even if your not doing that, I am sure some of the people in your new circle of friends are.
The defensiveness that you and some other posters describe as a stereotype of transgender women is a consequence of being badly outnumbered (transsexuals make up less than 1 in 1000 people) in a cruel human rights struggle compared to the relatively mere civil equality struggle that queers are fighting. Of course some transsexuals have access to more money than others. There is a strong correlation between pre-transition masculinity and financial resources. This goes along way towards protecting themselves against human rights abuse that others who don't have the means cannot do.
Of course her behavior will alienate people but it is what she will often have to do to protect herself and survive even if she does badly over do it at times due to fear. The catch-22 she is in is somewhat comparable to men in tough prisons. They need to constantly act hyper-masculine and anti-social to survive prison, but unfortunately, such behaviors become a barrier to friendships, employment and making it outside of prison. Even when either example is fully aware of the consequences, it is usually not possible to turn it off at will due to the psychological damage of repetition.
Until hostility is removed from her environment, which won't happen until either the culture war is over or she comes across enough money to insulate herself from the harshest of hostility, she won't begin to heal. Healing takes years after trauma has ceased.
- Asa Fox :3Lv 510 years ago
It's really hard to say. Guys usually like it straight-forward. But lets think we're dealing with a woman here.It couldn't hurt to just be gentle.
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- 10 years ago
Sometimes the best way to deal with someone who's changed into a person you don't like is to end the relationship.
People who don't grow together, grow apart. It happens a lot. That's just life.
- Sasha WhitefurLv 710 years ago
Sudden changes in personality, can be a sign of depression. Be a friend and talk to her about it.
- bunny's sineadLv 710 years ago
Hi Adam, if you have to say anything it will have to be lain on the table,otherwise she will not listen,
unfortunately that migh end your friendship with her