Amelia
Lv 6
Amelia asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 1 decade ago

how to let things go...?

A couple months ago my ex started a lot of drama with me. Through out the relationship he was ridiculously jealous of me and a guy friend that i didn't hang out with that much to begin with. After we broke up I started hanging out with the friend more.

We would go to the bar and since i lived close to the bar I offered to let him sleep over (in my bed because i'm poor and I don't have any guest space). It was completely not sexual and he did stay over a few times but nothing happened except mid-sleep spooning. My ex found out and decided this was grounds for calling me a liar and saying that I liked the friend all along.

I was infuriated and he didn't believe me when i told the truth. The story got so twisted that i couldn't set it straight. None of my friends would back me up either. My best friend started hanging out with my ex and when i told her she was being shitty - she told me she didn't want to be in the middle of it. She told me that she thought that i liked my friend too because i normally don't let guys sleep over as just friends. Our friendship was already on the rocks as it was. I finally moved out of the apartment my friend and i had together and I stopped talking to her. Since I moved all my friends that were friends with my ex/bff stopped talking to me - which is most of them.

My real best friend lives out of town. Ihave a new boyfriend who is a sweetheart and i told him about this stuff and he supports me.

I feel like i can't let this stuff go though, it still makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that my friend(s) threw me away like that and that my ex was irrational, manipulative, and mean. I'm tired of complaining/thinking/living this. I don't even interact with these people but it's something i think about everyday.

I am tired subjecting my bf to listening to me complain about it. I'm tired of hanging out alone too. I've made minimal effort to branch out but I feel like I'm having a hard time trusting people or finding people that I really want to be close with.

I want to know how to let go all of this anger and sadness from being betrayed and how to make new friends.

Update:

@amanda - don't worry. I tell him all the time that i like him and i'm so happy he's has a huge caring heart and is respects me and helps me stay positive.

I thank god that i found someone who makes me feel so happy after going through such turmoil. He is a huge blessing in my life and even before we started dating one of the few bright spots I had to look forward to.

I'm really not the type of person who lets other people take advantage of me. Otherwise i wouldn't have left the original situation. So i hope that i'm not blind to any of the current boys short comings.

6 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
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    "my ex started a lot of drama with me. Through out the relationship he was ridiculously jealous of me"

    You found yourself a domineering controller. If he had stuck around in your life, he would have separated you from all your friends and you would have been at his mercy. He would have been battering you and telling you that you made him do it. Learn from this.

    Proof of post-traumatic stress: "I feel like i can't let this stuff go though, it still makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that my friend(s) threw me away like that and that my ex was irrational, manipulative, and mean. I'm tired of complaining/thinking/living this. I don't even interact with these people but it's something i think about everyday."

    You are a victim of emotional manipulation. You allowed a couple of people to push your buttons and control you. It's unfortunate that there are so many manipulators out there, but it took the right set of circumstances to bring them out of the bushes. Your girl friend was really not a true friend, just a convenient acquaintance, plus she may have been jealous. Either way, she didn't truly view you as a friend or she would not have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

    To get them out of your mind, mentally visualize a large Red X and superimpose it over the face of the person (people) who you feel offended you. Do this first thing in the morning, all day long, and just before you go to sleep. Be sure to make the X so big that you are obliterating the facial features of the person. Focus on the X. Say, "I banish you from my life."

    Learn to be a little more discerning as to whom you choose to associate with. Learn to differentiate between types of friends. There are true friends who will be with you for years, but they come along only every so often. When you are in your 60s, 70s and 80s, you will find that you have a handful of true friends, if you are lucky.

    There are associates, casual acquaintances who you can be friendly with and forget about when they are not there. Then, there are fillers. Weed the fillers out of your life. What is a filler? It is someone who contributes nothing to your life. People in bars are fillers and even some people who manage to make it into your home. Usually, you can spot a filler, because they are the negative people who show up, ***** and complain until you have a headache and then they split. This person is not your friend. Lose 'em.

    Friends are those people who accept you for yourself, (who you are.) Even if you are gay, a true friend would support you and not talk about you behind your back. A true friend would call to see how you are, if you are sick, if you need anything, if you want to go out for coffee, or bring you soup when you are ill and offer to walk your dog.

    However, and there is an 'however' here, were you to do the same things for people you like, don't automatically jump to the conclusion that he or she is your 'friend' because they express gratitude. Some people are takers so you need to evaluate what is happening.

    It's not easy distinguishing who is and who is not a true friend. Just don't make it a habit of wearing your feelings on your sleeve. By that, I mean, you can appear to be as friendly as you want, just be sure to hold your true feelings in reserve as most people will not know the difference.

    It takes a long time to make friends, true friends. There are a lot of people out there. Many approach you from your blind side, so you have to be on your toes.

    Stop beating yourself up over what happened. You can't please all the people, ever. Youre lucky if you can please one person half the time. So, don't take yourself so seriously. Don't hang yourself out there like a pinata. Reserve your true feelings for those people who have, over a period of time, proven themselves...by this, I mean over years.

    Chin up. Forget them as soon as possible and move on.

    Tell yourself:

    I am a good person

    I am a happy person

    I am a confident person

    I am a likable person

    I am a discerning person

    I am an intelligent person

    I like myself

    I like who I am

    I am happy being me

    I am worthy of my respect

    I am worthy of my appreciation

    There is no one like me

    I am unique

    I am special

    OFTEN!!!!

    "I'm really not the type of person who lets other people take advantage of me. Otherwise i wouldn't have left the original situation." Even the best of us have our blind spots with other people. Do not put anyone's opinion of yourself ahead of your own. Always remain the captain of your own ship. Do not put your life decisions in someone else's hands. That's what happened with your original "ex" which put you in this vulnerable position. Talk everything out ahead of time with your "special person" such as does he want kids? Know ahead of time how many and when. And, share household chores or later you will be doing everything including raising children. You will be constantly exhausted and he will be rearing to go.

    Good luck to you and I hope this helps.

  • 1 decade ago

    u can't start a future until u let go of the past. ur emotions will ALWYS b valid but u have to move on. Im not telling u to close the book, merely change the page. In life u need bad in order for u to appreciate good. U have to get through the rain to see the rainbow. u'll never make new friends if ur holding on to old ones. those ppl were never ur friends to begin with. true friends don't abandon u. & ur ex was just a poor excuse of a man & had so many issues that he reflected his insecurities out on u. He used ur love & abused all u had to offer. learn from this lesson so that u wont allow ur current bf or any man to treat u less then wat ur worth.. instead of complaining to ur bf THANK HIM for being different & proving to u that u two deserve each other. Each time u wanna nag look at him & realize how much u'v improved & how much u KNOW u deserve (=

  • 1 decade ago

    Well it's important not to blame yourself for what happened. It's also important to try to see what your friends were seeing too.

    All too often relationships end because of infidelity. Mostly, when in a committed relationship, you don't have opposite sex friends who are single. I've witnessed similar drama several times and even been in your shoes once. The point is something awful happened but that doesn't mean it has to happen again. Just don't make friends with single guys that you meet at the bar and don't let your boyfriend do the same and you won't have these problems.

  • You need to get away, maybe find faith. True Christians will love you and help you out no matter what. Maybe start a hobby. W/e the case you need a change of pace

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  • 1 decade ago

    When feelings come up, write them down...then find someone to give them to...I am a Christian and I give these notes to my Lord (have thumbtacked them to a cross) When thoughts come up, I reach to my forehead and pretend that I am pulling the thought out of my head...kinda like a motion of pulling out a klenex out of a box. Sometimes I have pulled thousands of thoughts out of my head in a day...but this really works for me. (One day you wake up with a clear mind.)

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    Was here on Yahoo for something or other, then this question was displayed on the sidebar...

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