I just found out that my husband has been having a year long affair with a friend.?

My husband and I, and she and her husband, have been friends for a number of years. Our children are best friends and practically live at one anothers houses. In the past 4-5 years, we've all gotten close and have spent time on various activities, dinners and vacations. She and I were supposedly good friends and we did many things together without the husbands.

In the past 8 months or so, I've been having a great many suspicions. I've confronted him a few times but he always denied the affair. Finally, I got him. Found all of the e-mails to and from her on his work e-mail account. Hundreds of them.

When I confronted him then, he had no choice but to admit it. Of course, he says he doesn't want a divorce. At this point, I don't know what I want and I have a lot of thinking to do.

One of the issues is that even if I try to work things out with my husband, who I've been with for nearly 20 years, I will have to see this woman all the time. Our children are both involved in sports and we see these people every weekend. We also live in a very small community. How can I possibly see her all the time. It will be a constant reminder. I feel like I've been stabbed in he heart by the husband and stabbed in the back by a friend. Double whammy! I just don't know how to possibly salvage this marriage knowing she will always be in both of our lives. I just want to shout out to all of our other friends to hold on to their husband, because she's on the loose.

Furthermore, do I tell her husband? He absolutely adores her and would do anything for her. I don't think he has any suspicions at all. And if I tell him, then our children know everything and it could affect their friendship.

This is a total mess!!

16 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First of all, let me say I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation. I can't imagine the feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal you must have.

    My suggestion to you is to seek immediate help from a professional counselor who specializes in relationships and infidelity. Having the objective insight from a trained professional will help you sort out your feelings and decide what the next best step is.

    Perhaps for the time being, to avoid any contact with this woman it would be best to see if another person can bring your children to their activities. Although it would be sad to have to miss out on a few games, but worth it in the long run. It might be very hard for you to control your emotions - I know I'd never be able to - and the children involved don't need to see that. As far as telling her husband - don't. It is very tempting and he deserves to know, but right now, you need to focus on yourself and your children.

    Best of luck to you!

  • 4 years ago

    I believe that Anne Bercht, author and co-founder of Beyond Affairs Network with her errant now repentant husband, said it took her about three years to "let go" of the other woman (who wasn't her friend but her husband's work colleague). No one can put a time limit on someone else's feelings -- although I think there's quite a bit of truth in the saying "time heals all wounds" (and it's more recent addition..."and wounds all heels."). Three months is still very early days. Couples counseling certainly can help move this process along. You might want to consider some individual counseling if you're having any problems with self-esteem or self-confidence. In any case you are to be commended for giving your husband a "second chance" (and I hope he profoundly realizes that!). There IS light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train. Good luck!

    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Yes, tell her husband. It's the right thing to do. If they are going to work it out they need to work it out, but why should he be left in the dark, esp. when something like this will get out. What you need to do is take some time to seperate and think alone. Do you want to put the pieces back together, you have spent 20 years and the past 8 months have been a lie. Do you want to throw away 19 years because of the past 8? Is he trully remorseful? If you decide to stay you should be able to keep him on a short leash, and be paronid. But could it be that he doesn't want to lose everything he built for 20 years. You get half his pension, 401 k, house, etc. Now, you need to tell that back stabber that you know and your husband needs to tell her to leave him alone. If he means what he says he should have already told her to leave him alone, if not then his just talk. I would tell her husband because his your friend, and that's what friends would do. To bad you two couldn't get together since you were the faithful ones, and kick the lieing and cheating spouses together.

  • 1 decade ago

    First of all, I don't think it is a good idea to tell the other husband. Let him find out by some one else and not you. You should concentrate on your husband and your children. As for your husband, make sure of what he wants to do next. If he had an affair with this lady, he can and might have another affair with another one and your problem hasn't been solved. Try to know what was the reason behind this affair, is it something to do with him, is it something to do with you, or is it just a mistake and can be fixed?

    As for your friend, try to minimize your contact with her. Make excuses without making her feel that there's anything wrong. Make yourself busy with other things and over time she will just give up.

    Most important, when you and your husband are together try to provide what might have been missing in your relationship and don't try to blaim him for what happened.

    Good luck.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Yes you do tell the husband, he has a right to know. She may have been sleeping around with others as well so both of you (you and her husband) should go get checked for STDs. I had this happen to me after 19 years of marriage and it was extremely hard to deal with. If your husband was sorry and had come to you to ask for forgiveness then maybe you could salvage the marriage. Since you caught him it completely depends on his attitude to you and to her. I called the guy and spoke with him about the entire thing, I spent about 30- min on the phone with him. We went to counseling and when I found out that it had being going on for so long I realized that she was not going to change for me, sure there is blame on both sides all the time and I was not a perfect husband but I never cheated on her. Strange thing was, our sex life was good, we had sex about 3 times a week and after 2 kids and 19 years of marriage I thought that was great. She however was looking for more money and was not just looking in one place. The story is complicated but my adult son told me not to go back with her and personally it was very hard after so many years to let all of that go. I did end up getting a divorce and she ended up getting the money she wanted in the first place so it worked out well since later I married a wonderful woman. I know your going to do allot of crying and if your religious I would suggest prayer but you need to Gage his attitude and the woman's attitude. They took something that was sacred and ignored the promises you make at marriage and what is to say it won't happen again. Trust takes along time to repair, We had been through issues in our marriage years before and each time she had said she was sorry and it would not happen again. The last time was one too many for me and in my religion "The D word" is not used often but I considered it my best option.

    Source(s): 19 years of marriage at first and another 4 now.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You have to tell her husband. Wouldn't you want him to do the same for you if the situation was reversed? Your husband had plenty of chances to come clean and he continued to lie and carry on a LONG GOING relationship which cannot just be chalked up to a 'one time' mistake. Unless the both of you are willing to do long term therapy and work through this, it's time to get an attorney. Kids are resilient and will adjust. It's best they find out from you, rather than some other source.

  • 1 decade ago

    While it will be hard to keep that secret, destroying their marriage and the lives of the kids will not benefit you in any way so don't say a word. Focus on where you want you marriage to go at this point. She will always be around and she will be a constant reminder, but you will have to establish that trust again with your husband. Will you be able to trust them together? Understand that an affair that lasts years has emotions involved, but it doesn't mean that he wanted to leave you for her or that she wants to leave her husband for yours. It may have been a purely FWB thing.

    Source(s): I am "her" in my own situation that mirrors yours..
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This is a terrible double betrayal & I would ABSOLUTELY tell her husband (hang onto the emails if he requires proof). I don't know if I could personally get past such devastation, but I think the other husband definitely deserves to know what is going on in his marriage also. Good luck to you, I hope it works out for the best for you & your kids!

  • 1 decade ago

    you have the right to tell her hubby, she wrecked your life.. what's the point keeping it in the dark..

    tsk tsk tsk.. this is a shame.. better yet, if your hubby wants to have your marriage make him prove it by spilling it out to the unsuspecting husband.. love is blind

    of course i'd say jump to divorce but like you said.. you all are so involved in each others lives..

    if you separate they'll get together, if you don't the fact of it will eat at you everyday and every time you see her..

    whatever you choose just make it the best choice for both you and your kids..

  • 1 decade ago

    My gosh, this brings me to sadness, because this could happen to anyone.

    Of course you tell her husband, unless you make her tell him.

    You really need to sit down and decide if this is worth suffering through, what happens when others find out, what about the kids. Is there somewhere you could take the kids away for a while?? To figure things out on your own.

    You see its hard because we dont know if you have family or others you can rely on, but you really need to focus on your marriage and see if its worth saving, you say its a close knit community, whats stopping him from continuing to see her??

    I can't believe they would do that, what a bunch of self righteous jerks.

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