How can I improve my first chapter?

This one I'm actually just writing as a practice piece, and it isn't practice if you don't know how to improve it, so opinions please? Here's the link:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic62172.html

Update:

I actually posted a...prototype of this story on here already. I changed her name to Nex.

Update 2:

Actually Nex *has* been human before. I will get into that later in the story. Tasha, however, has not been. Once again, I will get into that later. Thanks so much for your input! :)

Update 3:

I *will* email you the link to the next chapter, okay? Once again, thanks. I may only be 13, but I write down every idea that comes to mind in my head. I also write every night in my journal, so I sure *hope* all that doesn't go to waste! Other than that, it wasn't the realization that she was human that made her so happy, but the realization that she realized something. Does that make sense?

Update 4:

I'm adding too many details...I meant I write down every idea that comes to mind in my notebook, not my head.

1 Answer

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  • Josie
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    "Conscious thoughts swirl into my head and I peel my eyelids away from each other." It sounds weird because i don't consider your bottom "eyelid" an eyelid, but that is just me..because you top eyelids are the only "eyelids" that actually move.

    "...is to give up - both because thinking..." You should have two lines....like this, --. Your word processing program should turn it into one solid line though.

    "Pretty soon it's not just spots - everything goes black." Same thing here,

    "this time I'm not in the same place as before,..." You need to capitalize "this".

    "...and I can remember something - that I am a human girl." Same thing with the two lines. However, I don't think you are using the lines correctly. Or, to me, it doesn't flow as well. I think you should just do small sentences. Like, ", and I can remember something. I am a human girl." Or something like that.

    "Not much, but it's enough to make me want to get up and dance." What is "not much"? Is it because she just realized that she is human?

    Okay, before i forget, I would just like to suggest to you to split up the Dialogue from the paragraphs. What i mean is like taking what Nex is saying from the same paragraph as what Tasha is saying. Does that make sense. It keeps what they are saying separated, and the reader doesn't get as confused.

    So, i really, really liked it. It was very interesting, especially for your age. You can write very well. (Actually, this is probably one of, if not the best, written and interesting stories i have read coming from Yahoo! Answers. That is a huge compliment as i have read lots of stories and such. Could you email me with a link when you get the next chapter finished or any future chapters? My email is joir134@yahoo.com. It would be much appreciated.

    Okay, i do have a few suggestions. First off, i would suggest to you to not have your character wake up three times. I would suggest that you just have her be "awake", but not have her eyes open yet. Because it just seems a little odd that the character is awake and then just falls asleep like she passed out, but she does this three times.

    Also, I think that you should add some more detail about the room. I see that you did, in a way. You added the room color, color of the draperies, and the bed sheet material and color. Is that all that here is in the room? There has to be a door, because Tasha came into the room through one. Is the room big or small? What is the flooring like if you the character can see the floor. What does the ceiling look like. it would seem that she would see the ceiling before anything else if she is laying on her back....besides all the whiteness. I guess what I mean that after she gains complete consciousness, what does she take in about the room she is in, her surroundings. Especially when she gets up and walks around.

    Also, from what i gather, Nex has never been a human before. If you were to be changed into another creature, wouldn't the first think you would do is check out your own body. Not in a sexual way, but like her hands for instance, and her legs,arms, and feet.

    Of course those are only my suggestions that i feel will make what you already have great. Again, I would be very grateful if you would possibly email me the link to the rest of your story. Thanks.

    You are an amazing writer, especially for your age. I find the story intriging, and i want to read more of it.

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