These just crack me up a long read , tell me if you enjoyed any of them ?
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
* Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
* She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
* Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
* War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
* 98.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
* I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
* He’s not dead — he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Pardon my driving; I am reloading.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* Chastity is curable if detected early.
* It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
* Everybody repeat after me, “We are all individuals.”
* Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
* It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
* Always try to be modest…and proud of it!
* You can’t have everything — where would you put it?
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
* Money can’t buy love but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
* Don’t sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
* Shin: A device for finding furniture.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
* It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
* Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
* The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
* There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.