New Moms Only - do you ever feel guilty because you regret having your baby?
I am 27 y/o and my baby boy is 5 months old. My live-in boyfriend and I were going through some very difficult times and were breaking up when I found out I was pregnant (not unprotected sex... just happened somehow despite protection). I even left the house and stayed at my best friend's house and kept my stuff in the trunk of my car for a week because I was determined never to go back because he was borderline emotionally abusive towards me. He moved out, I had zero contact for about 2 months, I then left to El Salvador to visit my father. Fast forward - I came back and was 4 1/2 months pregnant. He had alot of time to think about his act, I had a lot of time to think about myself and my unborn child, we met and decided we'd give it one last chance for our son's sake. He became a completely different person, we connected on a different level and things were absolutely wonderful. Fast forward some more, right before our son was born we got married with the idea that we'd provide security for our son (since both my husband or I come from broken families and suffered tremendously as a result). Our son is now 5 months old. I had to go back to work to make ends meet. I am sleep deprived, and tired, sick for the past 3 months. I get depressed some times and feel guilty about not bonding with him as much as I would like, I am jealous of my sister in law that cares for him, even at my husband for getting his attention when I am holding him. Then, when I am with my son, I sometimes feel so detached and overwhelmed. I recently asked my employer to modify my schedule so I 'd be able to get off at 3 p.m. so that I could spend more time with my son. Lately, I've been dying for some time to myself.... and I feel guilty for it. After I put my boy down to sleep at night (around 8 - 8:30) my husband wants to spend quality time... and I don't want to even be near him. He is concerned that I am no longer attracted to him, and honestly, right now, I'm not.
I regret having my son, and I feel overwhelmed and guilty. Will this go away with time? I always wanted to be a mom and now that I am, it's just so difficult (partly because having my son has made me realize how alone I really am and how little support I have since I have no family here and my so called friends don't even come over.) I plan to make an apppointment with my therapist (I have sufferent from depression in the past) as I feel I need to talk to someone about this, but feel like it can' t be my husband because I'll feel he'll judge me or see me as an unfit mother and wife.
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
i'd say all that you're feeling and all that you're going through is pretty normal and i give you props for having the guts to admit it. don't listen to the others on here who will make u feel guilty, you already feel enough of that, what you need is support. going to the therapist is a great idea and you are a good person for taking the steps to do it. also, its a great thing that you've asked your job to modify your schedule and i bet that will help out a lot.
my baby girl is also five months old. she was an accident and i didn't think i was ready at all (sometimes i still don't). i'm also the same age as you. there are times when i HATE my fiance, when i want to pack up and leave him and then i get over it. i wouldn't say you "regret" having your baby, because its obvious you love him, its just that you are overwhelmed by this new life and thats completely understandable.
i think what you need is to find a happy medium between some time for yourself and some time to bond and spend mommy time with your son. also, it seems like you might be over-thinking things too much. your hormones and instincts are stronger than anything else and you have to just trust them and go with them. for me, new mommy-hood has led to some bizarre and irrational thoughts that most of the time i just push away but usually when i look closer, i realize they are fear-based.
i take it one day at a time, one feeding at a time, one nap at a time. you are not a bad mom and you WILL get through this. you need to realize that you and your husband are on the same mission... to give the best life to your son. if you ever need a friend, you can email me anytime you want. believe me, i can relate to what you're going through.
otherwise, definately make an appt with your therapist. If nothing else, it will allow you to talk to an adult or isn't there to judge and give you some much needed alone time. Also, i adopted bathtime wednesdays. Every wednesday night, i take a candle-lit bath ALL ALONE. I put the headphones on so i can't hear anything and i relax for at least an hour.
Good Luck to you! Don't beat yourself up too much! You're doing great!
- 1 decade ago
I agree 100% with Buxy. I too felt overwhelmed. My son is now 6 months old and everyday gets a little easier. I think that I was suffering from PPD and did not get it treated, but wish that I had. It's amazing how many women are going through the same emotions as you, but are afraid to talk about it because they are afraid that it will make them look bad. Know this, you are not alone! People tell you that having a little one will change your life, but they never tell you in what ways. My relationship with my husband prior to having my son was wonderful. Things were great while I was pregnant too, once I had him though things changed completely. It was like I was married to a complete stranger and there was a lot of resentment between us. I am happy to say that things have gotten better. Perhaps it's because my hormones have stabilized or because we have gotten into a rhythm I don't know for sure. But don't sit and wait for things to get better on their own. Go see your therapist and seek the help that I wish that I would've. You are a good mom, you have already taken the biggest step in realizing that there is a problem and you are willing to work on it. I firmly believe that with the help of a professional things will get a lot better before you know it.
- 1 decade ago
My son is now 15weeks old and i have felt alot like you have. Its wierd because i have just had the worst day with him than i have ever had. I have quite a few stressful days wen i spend all day indoor looking at the same 4 walls. I also have no family around me at the moment, ever since my dad died 21/2yrs ago i have nt gotten on with them really... but i am now moving back to where i came from to have some more support.
I always think that my partner resents me because it was me that mentioned having a baby (altho didnt expect him so early). I dont want people to think that i cant cope because i know that they will say that it was my own fault.
Today i have experienced screaming for atleast 5hrs and i couldnt do anything for him.
You have acknowledged you are stressed and that is the biggest step.. go ahead and tlk with your GP and your therapist and this will all pass with time.
Ali xSource(s): Mummy of 15week old..
- ClaudiaLv 44 years ago
Welcome to Motherhood. Guilt is your #1 enemy and it will NEVER go away. You just remembe this: Your job is to protect, love, nurture and provide for your child. Make him/her the best person they can be and teach them to be kind and courteous to others. Both of my kids had colic so I would leave them in their beds crying for 15 mins at a time while I "smoked outside while crying myself". Yeah, I felt bad but it also made me understand how people shake babies and harm them. (ALTHOUGH I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!!) As parents, you do what you have to do to keep you healthy and safe and your kids healthy and safe and sometimes, it doesn't always make sense or seem logical. But if it works and it's not hurting anyone, then so be it. I think you did good and don't worry about being a bad mom. You learn as you go; the kids won't remember at that age, and when they get older, you'll see how much they worship you! :) It's very much worth all the heartache and pain that comes with motherhood!
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- ?Lv 51 decade ago
I experienced some of the feelings you were having right after my son was born. It wasn't that I couldn't take care of him, it was more like I just didn't want to. I was very emotional and overstressed and just didn't want to do anything. You need to to call your doctor right away because I think you are experiencing post partum depression. Your doctor can diagnose you for sure and prescribe either medication, therapy or both. Please go as soon as you can, because the longer you wait, the worse it's going to get. I waited for way too long and it took my body a long time to even back out. I am on medication now, and am feeling a thousand times better. You do not have and should not feel this way. This should be a time of joy for you, and there is help out there, you just have to ask for it. Please go call now.
- 1 decade ago
It sounds like you are suffering more from post pardum depression still. I suffered for over 8 months because I felt like I couldn't tell anyone for the same reasons, and more than likely they wouldn't understand even if you tried. Don't be so hard on yourself, it happens sometimes and you OBVIOUSLY love your son since you're jealous of the people that get to spend more time with him. This will go away, you just need to get yourself help before it eats away at you more than it already has. Feel free to message me if you'd like, I know how hard it is to keep something like this to yourself.
- KikiLv 51 decade ago
I have a 2 week old and sometimes get overwhelmed and pissed off but I do not regret having him. He made me a better person
- N and A's MommaLv 71 decade ago
I think most mothers have periods of stress and being overwhelmed but to regret having their baby? No. I have never felt that way, even with all the months of sleepless nights and crying.
You really should bring this all up with your doctor. It could possibly be PPD which there is help for.
- DoonhamerLv 61 decade ago
I'm not an expert but I think you may have post natal depression. You should go to your doc asap. Do not be embarrassed, get the help you need for you and your baby. Good luck.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
talk with your hubby i am also mom 2 kids 5 and 3 year old i an divorced no love anymore if you think you cannot live with him leave him but you both must be a good parents and love this baby he need i love good luck